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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work must be annoyed you're pregnant !

33 replies

flameyone · 27/09/2021 10:31

A few relatives have made this comment to me, regarding my pregnancy and how my work place must feel about that.

Am I unreasonable for that to be annoying to me ?

They said stuff like, yeah most employers don't hire women your age for this exact reason. It must be so annoying for them that you'll need to go on maternity leave. It's just inconvenient for them.

I know that's probably true, but shouldn't be in 2021.

And by mentioning that, you're just perpetuating it. Maybe it's my hormones or something, but it didn't leave me feeling very nice.

OP posts:
DressBitch · 27/09/2021 10:37

It's genuinely disgusting that people feel like this, but they do.

There was a thread recently by a woman who had been offered a job but hadn't told them she was 7 months pregnant. The attitudes, from mostly women, were shocking.

Original poster
flameyone · 27/09/2021 10:38

I'm probably being sensitive, but it's not what I would say to a pregnant woman. I can't help but it having left me feeling ashamed and useless that people keep saying that to me.

OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 10:40

Jesus what is wrong with people.
Yes you are hugely inconveniencing your work by taking time off for something trivial like continuing the human race!
I suppose your relatives think you should just stop working and get back in the kitchen so you don’t cause such an inconvenience 🙄
I’m very annoyed on your behalf, so you are definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed.

Hopefully someone will come along with the perfect response for you to say if they say it again.

Original poster
flameyone · 27/09/2021 10:42

@GemmaRuby

Jesus what is wrong with people. Yes you are hugely inconveniencing your work by taking time off for something trivial like continuing the human race! I suppose your relatives think you should just stop working and get back in the kitchen so you don’t cause such an inconvenience 🙄 I’m very annoyed on your behalf, so you are definitely not unreasonable to be annoyed.

Hopefully someone will come along with the perfect response for you to say if they say it again.

I really don't think they mean it in a bad way and are just doing ' real talk '. They also don't agree with it, but just the mere fact of talking about it has really made me feel ashamed and like a nuisance. I know it's most likely how work places feel, but there's no point in people perpetuating it by pointing it out.
OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 27/09/2021 10:47

I don’t think all work places do feel like that thankfully. If you’re the right person for the job, you’ll still be the right person when you return.

And you’re right, they are just perpetuating the attitude by saying it. And it’s just not nice… why would you say anything other than positive things about someone’s pregnancy.

Goldbar · 27/09/2021 10:50

I think I'd just say to them, "Well, I'm sure work will cope, they're all adults there, aren't they? In any case, it's a problem workplaces are facing less and less as women vote with their feet and decide not to have babies. I wonder if attitudes like yours are having anything to do with this?"

ftw163532 · 27/09/2021 10:52

but shouldn't be in 2021

Because? I assume if this had occurred a year ago you would have bestowed the same magical powers on 2020?

The complacency of "but it's 2021 why isn't everything equitable?" Is precisely why stuff is still like this.

WomanStanleyWoman · 27/09/2021 10:59

@DressBitch

It's genuinely disgusting that people feel like this, but they do.

There was a thread recently by a woman who had been offered a job but hadn't told them she was 7 months pregnant. The attitudes, from mostly women, were shocking.

Is it even legal to accept a job when you’re that far into a pregnancy without telling your new employer? You’re legally obliged to tell an existing employer by 20 weeks.

I can’t believe anyone would think it’s okay to take on a permanent job knowing you can do it for a maximum of five to six weeks.

Spyro1234 · 27/09/2021 11:06

What is wrong with people. Not your fault you were born a women and were blessed with a pregnancy. Your work will cope!

HarebrightCedarmoon · 27/09/2021 11:18

Is it even legal to accept a job when you’re that far into a pregnancy without telling your new employer? You’re legally obliged to tell an existing employer by 20 weeks

If it was illegal, how would women pay the bills when they are pregnant?

Xiaoxiong · 27/09/2021 11:22

My response to your relatives would be "my manager will sort it - that's why they get paid the big bucks!"

I've been on both sides of this. Yes it is annoying as a manager when someone gets pregnant - it's so unpredictable because pregnancies are by definition unpredictable. How will she feel? How much am I allowed to ask? How much will she be able to do, and how long will she be off? How can I reassign work in a way that doesn't make her feel sidelined, and ease her back in without making her feel like she's no longer part of the team? etc etc etc. It's not easy!

But... it's annoying when one of your team gets sick, or their kid gets sick, or they need to go on a training course, or they are obviously looking for another job, or they're getting divorced, or they live rurally and can't get to work because they live on a steep hill that is iced over, or they can't get petrol, or their elderly parent falls down the stairs 300 miles away and they are trying to sort carers or whatever.... and you have to get cover, figure it out, get the work done somehow and to the same standard.

In some ways pregnancy is less annoying than other issues because at least a pregnancy is a relatively circumscribed time frame, and has various legal protections and frameworks around it so you know what you can discuss. I find illness much more difficult to manage, especially long-term sickness because the balance is so hard to strike between being supportive but needing clarity as to capacity.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 27/09/2021 11:23

Plus you know, each time my employer got at least six months notice that I was going to have a baby and go on mat leave. Ample time to be able to organise interim cover. Much more notice than when a man leaves a job or goes on a sabbatical.

WomanStanleyWoman · 27/09/2021 11:24

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Is it even legal to accept a job when you’re that far into a pregnancy without telling your new employer? You’re legally obliged to tell an existing employer by 20 weeks

If it was illegal, how would women pay the bills when they are pregnant?

I didn’t suggest it was illegal to take a job full stop. My point was regarding telling the prospective employer.
HarebrightCedarmoon · 27/09/2021 11:25

You have to tell them asap when you start the job if you are later in pregnancy.

CityMumma78 · 27/09/2021 11:30

I think their assessment is correct, I’m not saying it’s fair but…
pregnancy + maternity leave (6-12 months) + hiring or organising cover with associated contracts and onboarding + return to work and refresher training + potential request for part time or flexible hours
This is a logistical nightmare for businesses big and small irrespective of what their official position is. Some companies are loathed to employ women of a certain age for this reason!! Like I say I’m not saying this is right!! I am a FT working mum of two teenagers who only took 6 months maternity leave and returned to work part time, I have been full time now for 10 years. I have seen men overtake me professionally for years and I believe it to be for this very reason and I have had to work really hard to get to a senior position.

PattyPan · 27/09/2021 11:30

Yanbu unless this is going to be your 4th back to back maternity leave or something like that, in which case I would be able to see that it would be annoying for an employer. A normal amount of maternity leave is just par for the course and any employer should plan for it.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 27/09/2021 11:33

This is ridiculous. Anyone who thinks it’s inconvenient needs to remember it’s how we are all created and if the people around their mother had made it inconvenient enough then they wouldn’t even exist.

Viviennemary · 27/09/2021 11:37

Depends. If you are on your 3rd maternity leave in a short time its no use to a workplace. Or if you take a job while pregnant its all z bit of a waste of everyone's time if they are recruiting because they need to fill a vacancy. What use are you. Thats fact. If you aren't there you aren't an asset to the firm.

Original poster
flameyone · 27/09/2021 11:39

It's my first pregnancy at this company

OP posts:
Dontjumptoconclusions · 27/09/2021 11:44

It might be slightly inconvenient, but realistically the business carries on, the job carries on. I'm on mat leave now and it took my employer the age of 2 weeks to find a replacement for me. To think I was worried about leaving them in the lurch. Hah!

No one would say anything if you left work (permanently) for another job and progression of your career. So why is it such a big deal for someone to leave temporarily to have a family.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 27/09/2021 11:47

By the same argument, my work must be annoyed that a male colleague is off on long term sick with no idea when he’ll be back as he’s waiting on an operation that is subject to covid backlog. They must have also been annoyed when another male colleague’s wife was terminally ill with cancer and he had to work around caring for her and then take an extended period of absence when his son died shortly after his wife. Life happens and it can be annoying for your employer. A good employer will understand that and work around it, regardless of the sex of the employee and the situation they find themselves in. Men and women can take long periods of absence from work without warning and for any number of reasons. It’s only women taking maternity leave that get this attitude though. It really pisses me off especially because with pregnancy you give a lot of notice that you’re going to be away, most other absences you don’t get this level of notice.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 27/09/2021 11:51

@CityMumma78

I think their assessment is correct, I’m not saying it’s fair but… pregnancy + maternity leave (6-12 months) + hiring or organising cover with associated contracts and onboarding + return to work and refresher training + potential request for part time or flexible hours This is a logistical nightmare for businesses big and small irrespective of what their official position is. Some companies are loathed to employ women of a certain age for this reason!! Like I say I’m not saying this is right!! I am a FT working mum of two teenagers who only took 6 months maternity leave and returned to work part time, I have been full time now for 10 years. I have seen men overtake me professionally for years and I believe it to be for this very reason and I have had to work really hard to get to a senior position.
It can be difficult I'm sure, but then lots of other employee issues are. People aren't robots, and maternity leave and pay is very clear cut in terms of what applies. Lots of other things are more nuanced, like someone being long term ill.

My DM always used to say (when employers were allowed to ask question about what if she went off to have children) that ambitious men might not stay at a company long. So you'd go through all the rigmarole and cost of hiring and they are off in a year's time.

Narwhalsh · 27/09/2021 11:52

Men take parental leave too…

PoshWatchShitShoes · 27/09/2021 11:57

I oversee a lot of roles. I think "annoyed" seems like a harsh word for them to use.

When someone I manage announces they're pregnancy, I'm happy for them as a person, but my immediate thought is "oh crap, how do I cover xyz, wonder how long they'll be off for, will they come back, do I get a long term temp" etc.

I'm never going to be happy about creating a resourcing issue, but the individual would never know that. It's a massive inconvenience when it's someone who is newly hired or newly promoted though, as it causes uncertainty across team/clients. Again, I'd never share that with anyone though, I'd just be privately disgruntled.

Congrats OP!

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 12:04

@InTheNightWeWillWish

By the same argument, my work must be annoyed that a male colleague is off on long term sick with no idea when he’ll be back as he’s waiting on an operation that is subject to covid backlog. They must have also been annoyed when another male colleague’s wife was terminally ill with cancer and he had to work around caring for her and then take an extended period of absence when his son died shortly after his wife. Life happens and it can be annoying for your employer. A good employer will understand that and work around it, regardless of the sex of the employee and the situation they find themselves in. Men and women can take long periods of absence from work without warning and for any number of reasons. It’s only women taking maternity leave that get this attitude though. It really pisses me off especially because with pregnancy you give a lot of notice that you’re going to be away, most other absences you don’t get this level of notice.
Good post, @InTheNightWeWillWish. It would clearly be far easier for companies if we were robots who didn’t reproduce, get ill, die suddenly, have nervous breakdowns etc, but until the day there’s a robot workforce, human employers will have to deal with ordinary human issues like maternity and sick leaves.