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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to ‘live’

53 replies

Spider4456 · 27/09/2021 07:27

All I do is go to work, come home and my life is passing by.

I’m single with no children and feel I have nothing to say. There is very little love and connection in my life, I’m an introvert and feel like I’m turning (or turned!) into someone who is a bit odd and awkward

Last week I visited clients for the first time since COVID, I had zero conversation as nothing is happening - it was embarrassing.

I’ve joined clubs/hobby groups before but find it hard to move on from the polite ‘hellos’

How do I actually start living rather than just existing?

OP posts:
Guacamole001 · 27/09/2021 07:39

I would recommend working on a hobby or two to start with. For example of late I have been reading books by T M Logan. Mystery thrillers. They really are good. It gives you something to get your teeth into.

What about an exercise class? I also joined aqua aerobics.

Like you I feel I have no conversation at the moment other than TV news or what I read on mumsnet!!

CastleCrasher · 27/09/2021 07:41

It sounds like you are both bored and lonely. For boredom, what do you enjoy doing? What are you (or once were) passionate about? Can you take up q hobby or learn a new skill? It doesn't have to be something massive, it could be as simple as following a free yoga video, or taking up reading.

For loneliness, do you have friends and family you'd prefer to be closer to? Can you take steps to reconnect, even if that's only sending a text or meeting for coffee to start with? If WFH, would going back to the workplace help? Can you volunteer (easier than you think, and doesn't have to take much time)
For loneliness, do

JoanOgden · 27/09/2021 07:42

Do you have family and friends? What do you do at the weekend?

I think lots of people are feeling a bit socially incompetent post Covid, so try not to worry too much about that. You can make a bit of a joke about it.

Original poster
Spider4456 · 27/09/2021 07:44

Thank you - I am lonely and probably scared of actually living if I am honest, as mad as that might sound.

OP posts:
WindBlowAutumnDays · 27/09/2021 07:44

I can't be bothered with many people any more. I spent years being bored by them gossiping about nonsense. They never would let me talk about what I wanted to. I always felt frustrated. I would rather not talk at all than be bored like that again.

I am quite content to spend my time doing what I enjoy and just passing comment to the odd random person I see whilst going about life comments on the weather is enough fo me. So much better than listening to a load of rubbish that is uninteresting like about what someone ate or what their MIL was doing with a new sofa or these people waste your life taking nonsense.

Beachbabe1 · 27/09/2021 07:49

Join a 'find a friend' or dating site? Join Facebook and reconnect with old school friends? Join a running club? Get a dog for companionship?

Teacupsandtoast · 27/09/2021 07:50

Do you have a pet? That might be worth considering. Join a book club - in person, or online even. What about a walking group or taking up cycling? Does your local area have a 'gossip girls' fb group? We have one and it's great for connecting. What activity would you really like to try - stand up paddleboarding seems really popular at the moment, or horse riding perhaps?

WindBlowAutumnDays · 27/09/2021 07:51

Thank you - I am lonely and probably scared of actually living if I am honest, as mad as that might sound.

What do people mean by lonely?

I knew a married man very active who used to mention "lonely" a lot, I thought he was talking about himself, he was a raging narc and his wife a right weirdo. I remember Sidiq Khan moaning about hims being depressed and lonely in lockdown, is it something that personality disordered people suffer with more strongly? I think they are just takers in life and drain others, they dominate conversation and take everything they can from others for themselves, your information, time, whatever. I am going to yawn at bores anymore they bored me and made out I was the bore. Lockdown changed me I don't need these people they need me.

Thewaythroughthewoods · 27/09/2021 08:04

Are there any evening classes starting up that you could attend. Art, history of art, languages, crafts? Preferably in person, not on-line?

Volunteering in a charity shop, hospice café, or food bank? Even if you don't meet new friends there, it will give you something to talk about when you do?

Start your own local walking or running group, or interest group?

Animals have the knack of attracting people in to your life so either rescue one or volunteer for the Cinnamon Trust and walk an elderly person's dog?

Good luck Flowers

stevalnamechanger · 27/09/2021 08:07

Check out Official Travel Squad Facebook group , they organize walking trips & group weekends .

Read

Volunteer

Get a dog

Start a new hobby , take lessons - for something

Original poster
Spider4456 · 27/09/2021 08:08

@WindBlowAutumnDays - by loneliness I mean I have few true connections with people, no one I feel really likes me, no one I feel truly safe with. No siblings, not much contact with family, few friends, no partner. Most things are superficial and conditional.

I am not into gossip at work and I stand up for inclusivity etc which can be seen as boring by some people I work with.

OP posts:
Thewaythroughthewoods · 27/09/2021 08:08

@Spider4456

Thank you - I am lonely and probably scared of actually living if I am honest, as mad as that might sound.
Do you suffer from anxiety op?
EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 27/09/2021 08:09

What is your work? Do you love it - are you driven to progress in your career? If yes, there’s no harm in throwing yourself wholeheartedly into that for a while.

If not, then yes, you probably do need to find something that makes life worthwhile for you.

What would that be?

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 08:11

@WindBlowAutumnDays

Thank you - I am lonely and probably scared of actually living if I am honest, as mad as that might sound.

What do people mean by lonely?

I knew a married man very active who used to mention "lonely" a lot, I thought he was talking about himself, he was a raging narc and his wife a right weirdo. I remember Sidiq Khan moaning about hims being depressed and lonely in lockdown, is it something that personality disordered people suffer with more strongly? I think they are just takers in life and drain others, they dominate conversation and take everything they can from others for themselves, your information, time, whatever. I am going to yawn at bores anymore they bored me and made out I was the bore. Lockdown changed me I don't need these people they need me.

What a strange post. Why are you assuming that ‘personality disordered’ people are more likely to be lonely on the basis of one person you know and dislike, or that they are ‘takers in life’? And especially if you then ask what people mean by ‘lonely’?

You sound angry and misanthropic yourself. Relating to other people really isn’t a choice between being drained by gossipy bores or keeping solitary apart from remarks about the weather.

JoanOgden · 27/09/2021 08:12

I can see that it is hard and scary to know where to start. Can you try some small things - exercise, evening class, art gallery, night away somewhere you've always wanted to go?

BrendaBubbles · 27/09/2021 08:14

You need to take on a responsibility, a load. Otherwise you can feel aimless. For some it’s a pet, a family, or even the next great novel, but it needs to be something.

EdmontinaDonsAutumnalHues · 27/09/2021 08:17

One might re-phrase ‘a responsibility’ as ‘a challenge’ …

WindBlowAutumnDays · 27/09/2021 08:17

Spider4456

We are born alone and die alone.

Many friends and family are an illusion, most people will tell you nobody really has more than a handful of people who really care about them.

WindBlowAutumnDays · 27/09/2021 08:19

Spindrifting

Strange person with strange thoughts so what? I am my own person.

Do have a nice day.

Shurl · 27/09/2021 08:22

@windblowautumndays we might be born and die alone (sort of, I don't really believe that is true, most people have plenty of support to do both), but there are far too many years in between (if you are lucky) to not forge connections with people.

Good friends and family make life worth living

WindBlowAutumnDays · 27/09/2021 08:30

I remember many years ago being told the following brought life contentment

Human connection
A supernatural diety
A purpose in life

You may need lots of human interaction some may not
Your purpose may or may not be paid employment
You may get a lot out of intersectionality

Family and friends may not always be food for everyone we are all different.

I have things to do, best wishes OP

WindBlowAutumnDays · 27/09/2021 08:30

good not food

Ted27 · 27/09/2021 08:35

@Spider4456

I was single and childless for a very long time, and I recognise what you are saying. I have a small family but they are not local. I had s small group of long term friends, some not local but all with young families.

I went to work and to the gym. That was pretty much it.
I started going back out to the theatre, cinema, gigs - on my own. Always had a film or show to talk about.

I went on a short adventure holiday as a test for a big trip I wanted to do but was too scared. I remember feeling sick with worry on the coach to the airport. I had a fabulous time.

Looking back this was the start of a chain of events which changed my life, I did the big trip, and more. At 40 I took redundancy and went travelling and back to university. I had a complete change of direction, Eventually I adopted my son, he has ASD, I now have dozens of friends and s very full life.
Now thats all a bit drastic, I’m not suggesting you up sticks and leave your job, or adopt a child.
What I do sugegest is you find something you are passionate about and do it. Take a few risks, challenge yourself. See where it takes you

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 08:37

@WindBlowAutumnDays

Spindrifting

Strange person with strange thoughts so what? I am my own person.

Do have a nice day.

Of course you are your own person, but do you really think that pushing your deeply mistrustful, misanthropic life philosophy on someone who is lonely and wants to find the courage to engage with other people is helpful?
Original poster
Spider4456 · 27/09/2021 08:40

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate you taking time to reply.

I don’t know ‘how’ to actually make friends…I can join a group and have done before, but I don’t know how to get past the hello, how are you bit. People are often there to escape busy lives and want to concentrate on what they are doing rather than chat to people - does that make sense? I never make it to the next level (partly because I am awkward and nervous and weird!)

OP posts: