To ask how to ‘live’

[Spider4456]

All I do is go to work, come home and my life is passing by.

I’m single with no children and feel I have nothing to say. There is very little love and connection in my life, I’m an introvert and feel like I’m turning (or turned!) into someone who is a bit odd and awkward

Last week I visited clients for the first time since COVID, I had zero conversation as nothing is happening - it was embarrassing.

I’ve joined clubs/hobby groups before but find it hard to move on from the polite ‘hellos’

How do I actually start living rather than just existing?

So others think the way they spoke to an "odd" person like me is helpful? My guess is yes, otherwise they wouldn't have posted. This is about OP and I have other things to do.

OP - it might help if you focus less on ‘making friends’ and more on fully engaging in an activity - be it alone or shared.

What Do You Enjoy Doing?

@Spider4456

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate you taking time to reply.

I don’t know ‘how’ to actually make friends…I can join a group and have done before, but I don’t know how to get past the hello, how are you bit. People are often there to escape busy lives and want to concentrate on what they are doing rather than chat to people - does that make sense? I never make it to the next level (partly because I am awkward and nervous and weird!)

I think that’s why people are suggesting you do something you really love, OP, where you get completely immersed in the activity to the point where you’re happy and relaxed and not self-conscious about how you’re relating to others. Where you feel that doing the activity is pleasurable and worth it on its own merits, quite apart from making friends, so that you’re not going to go home afterwards and think ‘We’ll, that was a waste of time’ because you didn’t really talk to people.

I think if you want to make friends, hobbies/clubs are the way to go. Conversation is really tricky, but can you think of some things to talk about in advance? Questions to ask people about their lives etc? Fake it til you make it?

I've been in a similar situation with feeling like I don't do anything except work/eat/sleep, and for me forcing myself to get out and do stuff was the answer. So during the work days plan your days off? Plan a wee trip somewhere nice (long walk / visit some botanic gardens / a mini holiday). Take a picnic/flask of tea and enjoy the experience on your own. There are loads of things it's good to do on your own. Do you like sketching/writing stories? Go to a new place, sit down and do it. What about trying photography? Your phone is fine to start with. I am rubbish at art and photography, but love wandering around taking my time taking photos.

Volunteering is also a great way to meet people and feel you have a 'purpose'. Food bank near you need anyone? If you struggle with conversation it's usually much easier to manage small talk whilst you're doing something at the same time.

@WindBlowAutumnDays

So others think the way they spoke to an "odd" person like me is helpful? My guess is yes, otherwise they wouldn't have posted. This is about OP and I have other things to do.

But with respect, you’re not the person posting for help — you have your own way of life sorted out, and presumably that works for you. What I’m saying is that your comments are the equivalent of someone posting to say she’s terribly nervous about and struggling with driving lessons, and someone posting to say that driving is rubbish and she shouldn’t bother.

Well, belief in a supernatural deity certainly isn't a requirement for a fulfilled life!

OP- how old are you? Do you want a partner? Do you want children? Are you fine with not having children?

It's fine to be an introvert, but introverts can still want and have friends.

A purpose in life is more of a requirement for fulfilment, I feel.
What kind of community do you live in? Do acts of service make you feel valued or used?

Practice asking people questions about their lives and actively listening to their answers - this has changed my social interactions recently. I think I used to just sit there waiting for my turn to speak whereas now I am genuinely interested in people. Also you do less talking which helps when you have social anxiety over what you say

Read your post about conversation being difficult at clubs. Maybe choose the club carefully. Something like knitting/crochet/craft is really good for chatting at the same time. But also easy to make chat about the actual task, and easy to adopt a concentration face and just listen if you don't want to talk for a bit. Not saying crochet is necessarily your thing, but can you think of anything with a similar environment? Sports are maybe not so good for this, for example. Except maybe walking/rambling?

@Spider4456

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate you taking time to reply.

I don’t know ‘how’ to actually make friends…I can join a group and have done before, but I don’t know how to get past the hello, how are you bit. People are often there to escape busy lives and want to concentrate on what they are doing rather than chat to people - does that make sense? I never make it to the next level (partly because I am awkward and nervous and weird!)

It’s not been easy recently for anyone to make friends so at this point in time you will not be alone in feeling this way. I know I am. I also find it hard to move from being friends at work or an activity to friends outside. I find that they say we should meet up, then don’t follow through. I think people are just busy, and I will find my people. I have found some people already, so it must be working a bit!

It does sound like you’re lacking in confidence. I promise you’re not weird, or awkward or odd. It’s normal to have phases of loneliness but you can make the best of it and fill your weekends doing things you love. Start doing things for you. Get out the house at least once a day to do something you enjoy at the weekends, that will make you feel so much better.

I find it helps to connect with the person in front of you by figuring what makes them tick. So trying to relate to that, maybe they like swimming and you can say how you'd like to try wild swimming but make a joke about the cold putting you off. Take joy in their presence, and make it show...it really does make a difference. Think of some anecdotes to share in advance. Slightly exaggerate if you need to!

I'm saying this because I find that people with hobbies can be rather boring when they talk a lot about them. The art of being interesting is finding a conversational path that flows between you both and is mutually enjoyable. I have friends I really enjoy chatting to who don't have anything to report back on from their life but we make jokes, reminisce and just chat about what's happening in the world (sadly there's lots to talk about right now!), tv series we have enjoyed etc.

Also understand that the person you're talking to may not share your views and that's absolutely fine.

I'm saying this as someone with a lot of friends, and even at 42 I'm still making new friends. You have to work at it and project yourself, but it is worth it.

Good luck OP. You sound lovely and I believe you have so much more that's interesting about you than you realise.

I decided to change a little and to say 'yes' more. I have joined and online book club - so if I am anywhere else I can discuss books I have read. At the meetings we discuss the book and it has kind of reminded me how to interact with people if you know what I mean. Just a bit of chit chat and then book discussion, then we go. It has been good for me and would highly recommend finding one. Also, reading about a PP's experience of going on a trip. You can go on brilliant trips for single people - everyone is single and you just talk about your holiday if nothing else.

As for clubs to join, I'd personally recommend a walking group because it's great for talking and takes up a lot of time, or a choir. I can't sing but am part of a lovely community choir and they are so much fun!

OP, perhaps you have social anxiety and could benefit from counselling? This could help you to address the problem with some coping strategies, and work on your social skills.
I would also recommend joining your local parish church. Being part of a community, being accepted without question, sharing in a communal act of worship, prayer and singing, having coffee afterwards in a supportive group, knowing that you are loved by God, are all very confidence building.
I am autistic, and I find that my bridge club is full of fellow auties! We are all a bit socially awkward, but we manage to chat about the cards and make allowance for each other’s social clumsiness.
Volunteering locally eg for litter picking, can help you to get to know your neighbours and make some friends.
Ultimately, the world will not come to you - you need to learn how to get out there and make connections yourself. Give yourself permission to try, and accept the help you require to do it. Good luck!

@Spider4456

All I do is go to work, come home and my life is passing by.

I’m single with no children and feel I have nothing to say. There is very little love and connection in my life, I’m an introvert and feel like I’m turning (or turned!) into someone who is a bit odd and awkward

Last week I visited clients for the first time since COVID, I had zero conversation as nothing is happening - it was embarrassing.

I’ve joined clubs/hobby groups before but find it hard to move on from the polite ‘hellos’

How do I actually start living rather than just existing?

If you are an introvert and find it hard to socialise, don't make that your first goal. It's too scary and off putting. Instead think about ways you'd like to spend your time, achievements you want to accomplish, things you want to learn, places you'd like to see etc.

Try and further and extend your knowledge of things that already appeal to you. So if you enjoy cycling for instance, sign up for bike maintenance or off-road cycling courses. If there's a country you've always wanted to visit, set aside regular savings to pay for it, start learning some of the language and alphabet on Duolingo or similar, or join a conversation class, and start researching travel companies that do tours for solo travellers to that area.

Do small things to reinvigorate your daily life too. Experiment. Move furniture around, add colour and new lighting to your living area. Buy an outfit you'd not normally wear - something you'd associate with someone a bit more confident. Try a new exercise class. No pressure to get to know people, just do it to enjoy the movement.

If you are sick of being introverted, rather than happy that way (and there's nothing wrong with being happily introverted) then you could sign up for some social skills classes. There are courses online, such as David Morin's one, but look around. There's usually some free material you can access to see if the teaching style fits with what you are looking for.

If you want to move beyond polite hellos in hobby groups, choose the kind of hobby that gets people bonding quickly - people doing creative writing or drama will open up far more quickly than people doing calligraphy. Also, if you enjoy it for its own sake, keep going and friendships slowly evolve over time.

I joined the WI and have made new friends, we also have organised clubs within it like book club, craft club so you can go along without having made an arrangement with a friend, because it’s open to everyone.

Are you happy in your job OP? Is there something you could train for, in an evening class? Part time degree?

Are you interested in travel? There are lots of organisations that arrange group trips for people on their own.

Are you happy where you live? You could move anywhere, buy a house that needs renovations and learn how to do the diy yourself?

Being single and having no ties means you could do anything, go anywhere- see it as a positive!

Op, relax, we are all a bit awkward, nervous and wierd! Especially having been without social contact for so long.

Seriously, the truly awkward and wierd usually don't have the insight to recognise this about themselves, so you are ok You just haven't found your tribe yet!

I remember an elderly nun telling us at school that you only get out of life what you put in, and I think, speaking very, very, generally, that this tends to be true. That doesn't mean that people don't become isolated for reasons beyond their control, but if you have good health, it is always possible to make a bit of an effort.

You have to take a few risks and put the work in, change things up a bit. I moved abroad a while back, and when I felt lonely and couldn't find a club I was interested in, I put an ad in an expat magazine, and started my own. It grew from over half a dozen members initially to eventually over 300 people!

I lost a very, dear close friend recently who was single but led a very full life. She had many friends and it became apparent at her funeral that she had different "compartments" of friends that she had cultivated over the years: some from work. some from volunteering, some from an art group, some from a political group. There was a bit of a crossover but generally these were all friends from activities in to which she had time and effort. It takes commitment, saying yes to things you don't want to do sometimes, going out on cold dark nights when you would prefer to be at home, putting up with annoying people until you find the right ones for you, but you can do it op!

Why not draw a circular diagram with yourself at the middle of it, a bit like a cake, with various "slices" branching off from you in a circle? Then fill in the slices. One will be work. One will be health & fitness. One could be travel & holidays. Another, a particularly hobby. Another, ongoing education. And then attend to them in turn and put in a bit of effort in to each segment. And assess at the end of each month, then set realistic, small goals for the next month in each area.

This might sound trite but have you tried a book club? A friend practically dragged me along to the one at our local library a couple of years ago, it was the first thing I'd been "out" to in the evening since having a baby. I only went because I couldn't think of an excuse not to I was very nervous but it was ace, it's a lovely group of people of all ages and backgrounds so a lot more mixed than for a lot of hobbies I would imagine (but perhaps I'm wrong in assuming most, for example, exercise classes have a general demographic?). Then at the end we have tea and cake so time to chat. It has the added bonus of giving me something to talk about to other people when they ask me what I've been up to! As a SAHP I felt like it gave me a bit of "me" back if that makes sense, something I was doing for myself that wasn't related to the home or our lovely little one. (My husband is super supportive of me doing things for myself, it just took me a while to get out and do it.)

No experience personally but local running clubs are also supposed to be friendly and welcoming to newcomers, they usually split into groups by experience/speed so anyone can go, you don't have to be any good at it and they're all usually really enthusiastic and helpful (according to my sister who runs). I thought it might be a bit of a cliquey thing but apparently not.

You just sound like you haven't found your people yet, I'm sure they're out there

Another thing is to pay attention to increasing your joy in the tiny details of every day life. For me that is things like putting on beautiful piano music when I wake up every morning, making a really good cup of fresh coffee with frothy milk (no need for an expensive machine - 2x £5 steel cafetieres do it - one to press coffee, one to pump air into warm milk) then feeding the birds and watching them come down to the seeds and nuts while I sip my coffee. Then watering my plants and seeing how they've grown (chat to them too [grin). A good cuddle of the cat.

Even if you live alone, surround yourself with flourishing life - plants, pets, feeding and nurturing wildlife etc.

At night, I put on really lively funk or soul music while I chop veg, light a candle and run a bath full of my favourite scents. I know you're not supposed to have screens in bed but I love finishing the day watching a comedy sketch or live version of a favourite song.

Big things like getting out and having adventures, making bucket lists etc are important but so is the texture of every day life.

@Thewaythroughthewoods

Op, relax, we are all a bit awkward, nervous and wierd! Especially having been without social contact for so long.

Seriously, the truly awkward and wierd usually don't have the insight to recognise this about themselves, so you are ok You just haven't found your tribe yet!

I remember an elderly nun telling us at school that you only get out of life what you put in, and I think, speaking very, very, generally, that this tends to be true. That doesn't mean that people don't become isolated for reasons beyond their control, but if you have good health, it is always possible to make a bit of an effort.

You have to take a few risks and put the work in, change things up a bit. I moved abroad a while back, and when I felt lonely and couldn't find a club I was interested in, I put an ad in an expat magazine, and started my own. It grew from over half a dozen members initially to eventually over 300 people!

I lost a very, dear close friend recently who was single but led a very full life. She had many friends and it became apparent at her funeral that she had different "compartments" of friends that she had cultivated over the years: some from work. some from volunteering, some from an art group, some from a political group. There was a bit of a crossover but generally these were all friends from activities in to which she had time and effort. It takes commitment, saying yes to things you don't want to do sometimes, going out on cold dark nights when you would prefer to be at home, putting up with annoying people until you find the right ones for you, but you can do it op!

Why not draw a circular diagram with yourself at the middle of it, a bit like a cake, with various "slices" branching off from you in a circle? Then fill in the slices. One will be work. One will be health & fitness. One could be travel & holidays. Another, a particularly hobby. Another, ongoing education. And then attend to them in turn and put in a bit of effort in to each segment. And assess at the end of each month, then set realistic, small goals for the next month in each area.

What a lovely, inspirational post.

If you are an introvert and find it hard to socialise, don't make that your first goal. It's too scary and off putting. Instead think about ways you'd like to spend your time, achievements you want to accomplish, things you want to learn, places you'd like to see etc.

I think this is great advice. Focus on yourself first. Seek out new and interesting experiences, even if you’re not sure you’re going to enjoy them. Do things that scare you. I’m quite goal oriented so find it helpful to set myself annual goals e.g. one year it was to be able to cycle 100 miles in a day, or it might be a qualification, learning to draw, reading one book a week, whatever you want. I find that having those goals keeps me focused and interested in whatever I’m pursuing.

I think once you focus on yourself and your own experiences, you will probably make connections more naturally rather than having to try to force new friendships.

Also, don’t worry about being weird and awkward. The most interesting people I know are.

Have you tried Gardening ?

@Ted27 that sounds inspiring. Thank you for saying you get it, people with families envy my freedom (even though I don’t use it) but I long for their busy-ness, purpose and connection.

It’s hard to discuss this as a problem with them as they can’t imagine being alone..some would prefer it!

With the how to move from hello/social niceties, I think Shasta Nelson covers this well - it's a common issue. She discusses 5 circles of friendships and how people move between them.

Do you like the outdoors? I’ve started a walking club and do weekend trips which has been brilliant

Hobbies are what worked for me - I find it really hard to make friends without a structure. Hobbies where you are forced to interact are even better! Martial arts was particularly good (I did aikido and the group was very welcoming).

I've also got on well with niche groups around a shared interest, particularly those that are seen as a bit geeky. I like history and have found living history groups welcoming also. I'm about to start a course of historical sword fighting too.

What are the things you love? I bet you could find a community around them.