Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling with this stepparenting

41 replies

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 00:41

My partner has 4 children. One has severe additional needs and 2 have mild additional needs. I have one daughter of 18.
They are lovely but I feel the weekends we have them are so hectic, disorganised and basically shouty, I’m used to my one quiet child and I’m struggling. We are planning to get married so this is a serious relationship and ill be a step mum to these kids. I just want the best for them but I need a bit of hand holding as I get so stressed 😩 thank you x

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 27/09/2021 00:46

Do you need to live with him? So many kids, and they’ll be deeply unsettled having a broken home + fathers girlfriend, do you not want to just date him? Presumably he can parent all these kids himself when it’s his contact days. Why make things difficult? (For everyone involved)

NowEvenBetter · 27/09/2021 00:48

Ah, I see you want to marry this guy. Good luck with that. Try to keep yourself separate to the 4 kids contact with their father, it’s their time.

Notimeforaname · 27/09/2021 00:49

Leave him to parent at the weekends and do your own thing? Help out where you feel comfortable.

Hapoydayz · 27/09/2021 00:54

Don't be so involved with them on his weekends. You'll see if he was looking for someone to pick up from his ex or not. That's a lot to take on. Don't get used.

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 00:54

I totally accept the children and want them. I’ve previously been in a bad relationship and am so grateful to have met this guy. He is amazing and an amazing father to the kids. It’s just hard work and I think I over compensate sometimes and take things personally, my child is so easy and we are so close so that’s an easy relationship so this is new. I could leave him to parent, he’s totally capable, I want to be involved. Thank you for your responses x

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 27/09/2021 01:01

So you’re currently living together and planning to get married? Will contact change once you’re married?

I’m asking because one of my friends is in a LTR (7-8 years now) but they’ve decided not to blend households until their children have left home. She has two and he has three, and they’re just not compatible living together.

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:11

Yes we are living together, and married soon. The arrangements will stay the same, my child gets on great with them and for an only child I am very happy about that 😃

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:13

@Cameleongirl

So you’re currently living together and planning to get married? Will contact change once you’re married?

I’m asking because one of my friends is in a LTR (7-8 years now) but they’ve decided not to blend households until their children have left home. She has two and he has three, and they’re just not compatible living together.

In reply to…
OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:15

@NowEvenBetter

Ah, I see you want to marry this guy. Good luck with that. Try to keep yourself separate to the 4 kids contact with their father, it’s their time.
Surely though if I am to be in their lives then I should be involved? Thank you for you comment though
OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:16

@Hapoydayz

Don't be so involved with them on his weekends. You'll see if he was looking for someone to pick up from his ex or not. That's a lot to take on. Don't get used.
Thank you for your reply. I don’t think he is using me. For what? It is a lot to take on, but I’m happy to, it’s just hectic
OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 27/09/2021 01:27

You and your DD sound lovely, OP. I wonder whether it’s a case of figuring out “what works” on his contact weekends. For example, a family day out might be too much for the children with additional needs, but something simple like walking to the local park to play might be ideal. Just keep everything really simple, easy meals, no pressure to do too much, and see what happens.
I also think you are perfectly entitled to take a break if you need one. Meet a friend for coffee or pop out to run an errand if you need to, your well-being and stress levels are important too.

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:32

@Cameleongirl

You and your DD sound lovely, OP. I wonder whether it’s a case of figuring out “what works” on his contact weekends. For example, a family day out might be too much for the children with additional needs, but something simple like walking to the local park to play might be ideal. Just keep everything really simple, easy meals, no pressure to do too much, and see what happens. I also think you are perfectly entitled to take a break if you need one. Meet a friend for coffee or pop out to run an errand if you need to, your well-being and stress levels are important too.
Thank you. I will take on this advice. I think I try too hard sometimes! Like all meals from stretch etc. We go out to the park a lot, it’s trying to balance everyone’s individual wants and needs. Ie the older ones find the park boring and rightly or wrongly they look to me for a solution! And I’m driving myself a bit crazy trying to please everyone and my child! X
OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:33

^scratch

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2021 01:37

Just because you love this man doesn't mean you should be together. If the burden of his children is too much, that's ok. You should sacrifice your happiness for someone else's children.

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:39

@Aquamarine1029

Just because you love this man doesn't mean you should be together. If the burden of his children is too much, that's ok. You should sacrifice your happiness for someone else's children.
I’m not sure if my post came across wrong but I am not unhappy with the situation with his children. I am very happy with it and they are not a burden to me. Sorry if I gave this impression x
OP posts:
EccentricaGalumbits · 27/09/2021 01:41

How old are these kids? Do you really want to spend X years raising 4 more kids at a time in your life when you should have been looking forward to your freedom as yours grows up and moves on?

You're a much more selfless woman than I am!

What if something happens to their mother or their relationship with her, would you be OK with some or all of them living with you fulltime until they're ready to move out?

Kanaloa · 27/09/2021 01:41

Why are you trying to please everyone? Let their dad do that.

Don’t get caught in the trap of being the one who takes on childcare of his four high needs children during his contact time. Let him cook from scratch/sort his kids at the park etc.

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:45

@EccentricaGalumbits

How old are these kids? Do you really want to spend X years raising 4 more kids at a time in your life when you should have been looking forward to your freedom as yours grows up and moves on?

You're a much more selfless woman than I am!

What if something happens to their mother or their relationship with her, would you be OK with some or all of them living with you fulltime until they're ready to move out?

They range from 3 to 10. I absolutely would be prepared to take them on. I wanted more children and I’m aware that these children are not mine but I am fully happy to do this if needs be. I have a good relationship with their mother x
OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:46

@Kanaloa

Why are you trying to please everyone? Let their dad do that.

Don’t get caught in the trap of being the one who takes on childcare of his four high needs children during his contact time. Let him cook from scratch/sort his kids at the park etc.

Yes you have a pint there. I should t be trying to please everyone. X
OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 27/09/2021 01:46

What does your daughter think of all this?

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:47

*Point

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:48

@Susannahmoody

What does your daughter think of all this?
She has really taken to them. I didn’t think it would happen as she is an only child but she has. There are no problems with her 😊
OP posts:
Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 01:50

She is my priority, if she wasn’t totally on board, I wouldn’t be doing any of this 😊

OP posts:
EccentricaGalumbits · 27/09/2021 01:58

Goodness, well you seem genuinely happy with the arrangement so good for you, your partner is a very lucky man.

It might just be a matter of adjusting your expectations of yourself. You have raised an only child so things were probably a lot calmer and you weren't pulled in different directions. For these kids, a bit of chaos is normal. They're used to bickering and vying for attention and not always getting their own way.

You probably need time to adjust and make peace with your new reality - that it's not possible to keep everyone happy all of the time and sometimes you're going to feel like you're letting someone down.

You also have a supportive partner this time around, you don't need to carry the burden on your own.

Good luck!

Original poster
Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 02:02

@EccentricaGalumbits

Goodness, well you seem genuinely happy with the arrangement so good for you, your partner is a very lucky man.

It might just be a matter of adjusting your expectations of yourself. You have raised an only child so things were probably a lot calmer and you weren't pulled in different directions. For these kids, a bit of chaos is normal. They're used to bickering and vying for attention and not always getting their own way.

You probably need time to adjust and make peace with your new reality - that it's not possible to keep everyone happy all of the time and sometimes you're going to feel like you're letting someone down.

You also have a supportive partner this time around, you don't need to carry the burden on your own.

Good luck!

Thank you and I really am happy with it, I just want a bit of advice on how to handle more than one child and yes you are right. I need to accept not everyone is going to be happy all the time . I’m not used to that! My partner says similar to you to be honest so thank you x
OP posts: