Page 2 | To be struggling with this stepparenting

Whoknows38 · 2021-09-26T23:41:46+00:00

My partner has 4 children. One has severe additional needs and 2 have mild additional needs. I have one daughter of 18. They are lovely but I feel the weekends we have them are so hectic, disorganised and basically shouty, I’m used to my one quiet child and I’m struggling. We are planning to get married so this is a serious relationship and ill be a step mum to these kids. I just want the best for them but I need a bit of hand holding as I get so stressed 😩 thank you x

Cameleongirl · 27/09/2021 02:16

I have two with a three-year gap and sometimes it’s difficult to please both of them-and you have double the number plus additional needs!

DH and I use the “divide and conquer” approach sometimes, and each do different activities with one child. As a step-parent, you’re under no obligation to do this, but if it would make the weekend easier for you to take the younger two to the park for a hour, for example, while your DP entertains the older ones with something more exciting, you could try it.

Only if you wanted to though, it’s not your responsibility to entertain them.

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 02:19

@Cameleongirl

I have two with a three-year gap and sometimes it’s difficult to please both of them-and you have double the number plus additional needs!

DH and I use the “divide and conquer” approach sometimes, and each do different activities with one child. As a step-parent, you’re under no obligation to do this, but if it would make the weekend easier for you to take the younger two to the park for a hour, for example, while your DP entertains the older ones with something more exciting, you could try it.

Only if you wanted to though, it’s not your responsibility to entertain them.

Thank you this is really useful. I have actually discussed this with the older two girls today. I appreciate I’m not obliged to but I want to. Thanks again

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NCBlossom · 27/09/2021 02:24

Honestly? Hold off on the living together.

I’ve been there, done that. Your child might be happy now but my main concern is that you sound like the one who is not dominant. They are loud and shouty. There are significant additional needs. I would not bring my child into that situation. Whatever you think now, at least you have your home and your way of doing things most of the time with your DD. You move in and their needs will completely take over.

There is no rush. And every reason to wait. Even get married but don’t move in. Not until your DD is older and his kids are older. Keep houses separate and make sure you have at least eow with your DD just you and her. She only gets one childhood. She sounds nice and that is an alarm bell to me. My own child was also lovely but the step siblings crushed him ultimately because it was too dominant - so I moved out. Best thing I did for him.

NCBlossom · 27/09/2021 02:30

Oh just saw you are already living there. Move out. I really, really think this would be best for you and your DD.

You said yourself
And I’m driving myself a bit crazy trying to please everyone and my child!

You can’t please everyone and your child. And your child will lose out. You are the main parent for your DD. Her only mum. The step kids have a dad and mum. You just cannot be there for your own child and be there as a step mum in that active role. Especially as they outnumber you and have higher needs. Your child may grow up thinking that her needs are to be subservient to others who already have a parent. That’s not right.

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 02:31

@NCBlossom

Honestly? Hold off on the living together.

I’ve been there, done that. Your child might be happy now but my main concern is that you sound like the one who is not dominant. They are loud and shouty. There are significant additional needs. I would not bring my child into that situation. Whatever you think now, at least you have your home and your way of doing things most of the time with your DD. You move in and their needs will completely take over.

There is no rush. And every reason to wait. Even get married but don’t move in. Not until your DD is older and his kids are older. Keep houses separate and make sure you have at least eow with your DD just you and her. She only gets one childhood. She sounds nice and that is an alarm bell to me. My own child was also lovely but the step siblings crushed him ultimately because it was too dominant - so I moved out. Best thing I did for him.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your perspective. However, we already live together so I will not uproot the children. I am nice but it definitely me who has the last word. I appreciate that your experience wasn’t positive but what if my daughters life is being enriched by these little people joining our family? X

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EccentricaGalumbits · 27/09/2021 02:32

@NCBlossom

Oh just saw you are already living there. Move out. I really, really think this would be best for you and your DD.

You said yourself
And I’m driving myself a bit crazy trying to please everyone and my child!

You can’t please everyone and your child. And your child will lose out. You are the main parent for your DD. Her only mum. The step kids have a dad and mum. You just cannot be there for your own child and be there as a step mum in that active role. Especially as they outnumber you and have higher needs. Your child may grow up thinking that her needs are to be subservient to others who already have a parent. That’s not right.

Have you actually read what the OP has said? Starting with the fact her 'child' is 18?

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 02:34

@NCBlossom

Oh just saw you are already living there. Move out. I really, really think this would be best for you and your DD.

You said yourself
And I’m driving myself a bit crazy trying to please everyone and my child!

You can’t please everyone and your child. And your child will lose out. You are the main parent for your DD. Her only mum. The step kids have a dad and mum. You just cannot be there for your own child and be there as a step mum in that active role. Especially as they outnumber you and have higher needs. Your child may grow up thinking that her needs are to be subservient to others who already have a parent. That’s not right.

My daughter lives solely with me, full time, and my partners kids come at weekends. She doesn’t get any less than she did before. I make sure of that x

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Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 02:43

Yes she’s 18, still my baby but an adult now x

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FliptheThread · 27/09/2021 02:45

I would give yourself time to acknowledge the doubts, reservations, hesitancy, difficulties - however you want to label if - you are feeling and really, really think about the impact 4 stepchildren will have on your life and how you will honestly feel in 4 years time when it’s exactly the same. The scenario won’t change - you have to decide if you can put up with it as it is.

Step parenting is hard. Really, really hard. Stepfamilies are hard - on everyone. It’s very easy for it to become a situation where nobody gets what they want. There are real trade offs and those doubts you have don’t magically go away by getting married. Good luck.

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 02:49

@FliptheThread

I would give yourself time to acknowledge the doubts, reservations, hesitancy, difficulties - however you want to label if - you are feeling and really, really think about the impact 4 stepchildren will have on your life and how you will honestly feel in 4 years time when it’s exactly the same. The scenario won’t change - you have to decide if you can put up with it as it is.

Step parenting is hard. Really, really hard. Stepfamilies are hard - on everyone. It’s very easy for it to become a situation where nobody gets what they want. There are real trade offs and those doubts you have don’t magically go away by getting married. Good luck.

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. I am prepared for the challenge and i believe the positives outweigh the negatives. Maybe I need to let go a little bit. Thanks again x

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WhoIsPepeSilva · 27/09/2021 03:33

What happens that is making you stressed out in particular OP, if you give some examples maybe people can tell you the ways they've dealt with similar?

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 03:46

@WhoIsPepeSilva

What happens that is making you stressed out in particular OP, if you give some examples maybe people can tell you the ways they've dealt with similar?

I think it’s coz ive only had one child. For example, fighting, I’ve never experienced this. I don’t understand why they would want to hurt each other. Also being played, the older kids coming to me and saying we think the younger ones get all the attention, can you buy me blah,

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Cheeseplantboots · 27/09/2021 03:55

You sound lovely. Children with additional needs can be very hard work as you’re aware. I have an adult child who is severely disabled. I also have an adult step daughter who i’ve been a step mum too for 27 years plus two teenagers. I think you need to have some sort of routine when the children are with you. Of course you want to be involved if you are marrying their dad. You can’t just be separate when the children are with you that’s not going to work. I do wonder at MN sometimes!

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 04:01

@Cheeseplantboots

You sound lovely. Children with additional needs can be very hard work as you’re aware. I have an adult child who is severely disabled. I also have an adult step daughter who i’ve been a step mum too for 27 years plus two teenagers. I think you need to have some sort of routine when the children are with you. Of course you want to be involved if you are marrying their dad. You can’t just be separate when the children are with you that’s not going to work. I do wonder at MN sometimes!

Thank you, this is exactly the situation. I want to be involved absolutely. Just want things to be more organised and less stressful. I am 100% committed to these children as I am my daughter. I want to be better for them. Thank you

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WhoIsPepeSilva · 27/09/2021 08:29

Ah I see, kids do play fight but it's different if it always ends in tears and if you aren't used to it, it can be really stressful.

Is it always bouncing around and play fighting or will they do something more focused as play - active or non?

Definitely communication with your OH is key for presenting a united front. So you can say everyone gets treated the same and you back each other up should any of the children go to the other parent.
Talk about stuff you can see coming up that could be a problem and discuss how you will handle it as a team etc. Always handle the children as a team so they can't play you off against each other.

Original poster

Whoknows38 · 27/09/2021 16:49

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Ah I see, kids do play fight but it's different if it always ends in tears and if you aren't used to it, it can be really stressful.

Is it always bouncing around and play fighting or will they do something more focused as play - active or non?

Definitely communication with your OH is key for presenting a united front. So you can say everyone gets treated the same and you back each other up should any of the children go to the other parent.
Talk about stuff you can see coming up that could be a problem and discuss how you will handle it as a team etc. Always handle the children as a team so they can't play you off against each other.

Hi , some really good advice here. Thank you very much. X

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