Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not helping!

40 replies

Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:25

I’m currently a 25 weeks pregnant SAHM with a 14 month old baby. Lately I’ve felt like I’ve need extra help with household chores such as the lifting of heavy laundry and hoovering the stairs. However my husband doesn’t see it as his responsibility since he works a demanding full time job. I do all of the housework, childcare, cooking and dealing with online business whilst he spends most of his evenings gaming. Many weekends are spent alone as he travels far distances over two days to indulge in his hobbies. Consequently I’m often left holding the baby seven days of the week (Mum and Mil are wonderful support though).Recently we’ve been arguing a lot because I feel like I’m being taken advantage of and I’m becoming extremely disillusioned with our marriage. Am I being unreasonable in wanting more help and considering going it alone if things don’t change? I feel like a maid rather than a wife.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 26/09/2021 23:28

So how much time does he spend being a dad?

Cherrysoup · 26/09/2021 23:30

Do nothing for him, no washing, cooking, cleaning of his stuff, don’t enable or facilitate him in any way.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 26/09/2021 23:31

Was he always like this? What about when your first baby was smaller? I’m surprised you are having a second child tbh if he’s so shit at being a dad and a husband :(

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/09/2021 23:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FlowerArranger · 26/09/2021 23:34

Sadly, people rarely change. Unless he has a conversion on the road to Damascus epiphany, this will be your life.

Original poster
Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:34

He’ll play with her for 15 mins or so when he comes from work and takes her up to bed at night since I’ve asked. There’s been a couple of occasions when he’s looked after her for a few hours when I’ve seen friends as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:36

Yes but since I’m a stay at home mum I thought it was fair to do everything. Being pregnant whilst raising a baby has made it a lot trickier to keep up with everything atm and I thought he’d step up.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 26/09/2021 23:37

Point out that you have a full time job too,looking after his children, so he needs to get off his backside and help you.

Original poster
Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:39

Damnn that’s a wake up call but you’re right. I thought it was the right balance since I’m currently a stay at home mum but once I go back to work I can imagine things won’t change if he’s so reluctant to help out now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:40

Thank you! I’m glad you acknowledge it as a job. He called being a SAHM a tea party recently.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 26/09/2021 23:41

He probably thinks that if MIL is helping then that covers his shift...

Ionlydomassiveones · 26/09/2021 23:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:45

That’s exactly it. I said they’re both stepping in where he’s not pulling his weight and he kicked off about me getting more support that anyone he knows. Basically he either thinks I should be doing it myself or be grateful they’re helping and shut up and stop bothering him.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 26/09/2021 23:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Magikiko · 26/09/2021 23:47

Ionlydomassiveones...you’re opening my eyes thank you x

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2021 23:51

When he’s not at work, it should be 50/50 between two of you for childcare and housework. Yes it’s fair for you to do more/work while he is at work, but no more than you can realistically do with a 14mo old and being pregnant.

Hes not pulling his weight at home and shouldn’t be disappearing every weekend on hobbies.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/09/2021 00:01

Two things:
A SAHM is a Stay At Home MOM, and you are Mom 24/7.
If he wants a cook, cleaner, laundress, gardener, etc. he needs to hire them because you are a Mom 24/7.
On the rare occasions when he keeps the baby while you to out: It is not "babysitting" (people get paid for that). It is called "parenting" which is what you do while he is out at the pub or doing his hobbies.

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 00:03

Stop using the phrases "helping" and "looking after" in relation to the housework and your baby.

It's called being an adult and parenting.

So he brings in the money and you do childcare and run the household;you should have equal finances and leisure time.

Currently he has all the leisure time and you have none.He's taking the absolute piss out of you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2021 00:06

@Magikiko

Thank you! I’m glad you acknowledge it as a job. He called being a SAHM a tea party recently.
So he won't mind doing it on the weekends then, since it's so easy.

I'd leave him for that alone, I wouldn't have had a second child though, or been a SAHM for a wanker though. Your tolerance is much higher than mine.

Doesn't he like you and his child?

Original poster
Magikiko · 27/09/2021 00:08

Very true, I’m viewing his role as though he’s doing me a favour and actually it’s his responsibility just as much as mine to care for his children. Thanks GeorgiaGirl52.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magikiko · 27/09/2021 00:12

Good point! Everyone loves a good tea party.

Well I’m happy to have another but I’m doing it for myself really. I’m almost 31 and have always wanted kids so I’ve taken a chance. Sometimes it takes years to start again and find Mr. Right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magikiko · 27/09/2021 00:15

I think he likes us but he’s had a very 1950s upbringing so he wants to focus on being the ‘breadwinner’ whilst I the woman tends to all his needs and the house. It’s not for me though, big mistake...

OP posts:
Original poster
Magikiko · 27/09/2021 00:19

I appreciate the real talk. I wasn’t raised with my father so I always idolised marriage, not realising it can have its serious downfalls if you get with the wrong type. Oh well I live and I learn and if things don’t change ASAP I’m checking out.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2021 00:22

@Magikiko

I think he likes us but he’s had a very 1950s upbringing so he wants to focus on being the ‘breadwinner’ whilst I the woman tends to all his needs and the house. It’s not for me though, big mistake...
My FIL is very old-fashioned. But he spent weekends at home with his family. Doing old-fashioned things like gardening and washing the car. He didn't bugger off for 'hobbies'. That's a very modern invention to avoid families.

And at some point almost everyone had an old-fashioned upbringing. And we all changed and adapted. He could too. If he wasn't a selfish arse.

PearLime · 27/09/2021 00:24

This sounds really hard.

The problem is, he thinks you're "stuck" now. You have a baby with another on the way. This is probably why his behaviour is getting worse. He thinks you have no options.

Well let me tell you, you do have options.

Firstly, the immediate problems - get a cleaner to do the things he won't do and you cant do. Pay out of the joint account (assuming you have one...)

Secondly, look after yourself and your babies. (Congrats in advance on the second.)

Thirdly, think long term about your strategy. Think about whether you want to be with him. If you want to be with him, I think you need serious relationship counselling. Think about work- can you go back in a year- 18 months so you could support yourself? Think about the timings and logistics of leaving him.

Good luck xxx