Husband not helping!

[Magikiko]

I’m currently a 25 weeks pregnant SAHM with a 14 month old baby. Lately I’ve felt like I’ve need extra help with household chores such as the lifting of heavy laundry and hoovering the stairs. However my husband doesn’t see it as his responsibility since he works a demanding full time job. I do all of the housework, childcare, cooking and dealing with online business whilst he spends most of his evenings gaming. Many weekends are spent alone as he travels far distances over two days to indulge in his hobbies. Consequently I’m often left holding the baby seven days of the week (Mum and Mil are wonderful support though).Recently we’ve been arguing a lot because I feel like I’m being taken advantage of and I’m becoming extremely disillusioned with our marriage. Am I being unreasonable in wanting more help and considering going it alone if things don’t change? I feel like a maid rather than a wife.

@thenewduchessofhastings

Stop using the phrases "helping" and "looking after" in relation to the housework and your baby.

It's called being an adult and parenting.

So he brings in the money and you do childcare and run the household;you should have equal finances and leisure time.

Currently he has all the leisure time and you have none.He's taking the absolute piss out of you.

So much this!

@Magikiko

Good point! Everyone loves a good tea party.

Well I’m happy to have another but I’m doing it for myself really. I’m almost 31 and have always wanted kids so I’ve taken a chance. Sometimes it takes years to start again and find Mr. Right.

OP, this post points to you having put your desire to have children front and centre but possibly ignoring the husband’s attitude to fatherhood and domestic setup. Taking a chance implies a somewhat casual attitude and turning a blind eye because you didn’t want to miss out on children. Sounds like he has always been this way, so why would he change now. You are well within your rights to ‘check out’. Not fair on the children though that you taking the chance (twice) didn’t work out when you knew the warning signs. Essentially, you got what you wanted, but your children lose out.

My FIL is very old-fashioned. But he spent weekends at home with his family. Doing old-fashioned things like gardening and washing the car. He didn't bugger off for 'hobbies'.

Yeah my dad was like this too. He did traditional "men's jobs" like the DIY, gardening, mending things, taking stuff to the tip, driving us kids around, going to the garden centre, sorting out the loft, maintaining the cars, mowing the lawn etc. But he still very much contributed to the family (and earned 100% of the money- no mean feat). This is my idea of a "old fashioned marriage" too.

Your marriage isn't^^ a 1950s set up OP. Because your partner doesn't even do the "men's jobs" by the sound of it.

@Magikiko

Thank you! I’m glad you acknowledge it as a job. He called being a SAHM a tea party recently.

I was a SAHM for quite a few years. If my DH had disparaged my contribution as a "tea party" he could well have found himself out of the door with my boot up his arse.

If looking after the children is so piss easy then your DH won't mind taking on more of it.

He's too important because he earns all the money. All you have to do is sit at home all day doing as you please, so of course the least you can do is a bit of housework.

This is not an uncommon perception for a bread-winning man to have unfortunately, and as he's never likely to be in your shoes, I don't know how you get the ignorant pig to understand!

Are people really this lacking in awareness. It beggars belief sometimes

When we were both working I felt like the relationship was great since I had a lot more free time (working as a TA in a school) so I didn’t feel the weight of chores. Maybe it was naive of me to take it all on at the time. Since having a baby weekends and evenings are now taken which is why I’m a lot more stressed and I had to give up my job. In all honestly I’m not happy with being a SAHM since I’m extremely bored and unfulfilled but we felt it was a better decision for the family/financially at the time. I just do think the set up is working for us at all.

@Limejuiceandrum

Are people really this lacking in awareness. It beggars belief sometimes

Exactly. So fucking depressing reading stuff like this over and over again here. How do so many women still, in 2021 think that men are ‘helping’ by doing absolutely zero except staying away from the house as much as possible? ‘He works, he has a hobby’-so what, he bred offspring, he needs to parent them equally, otherwise what the fuck are you both doing with your lives?! ‘He ‘helps’ by ejaculating in to me, and telling me the food I made him is shit 😍he’s amazing, he also wipes his asshole’ (apparently this is a feature that deems males ‘hot’ on a thread in relationships….)

get some standards, for fck sake!

Point out how much he’ll be doing as a single father

‘I thought having a kid would magically change him, despite the fact that having a kid is the worst thing to do to a relationship. Weird. So unpredictable’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes that’s what I’d expect of a husband really. It’s hard because he loves the hobby and says I’m being controlling by wanting him to reduce the time that he puts into it but I don’t see why I should forego all of my freedom so that he can continue in bachelorhood.

@Magikiko

Yes but since I’m a stay at home mum I thought it was fair to do everything. Being pregnant whilst raising a baby has made it a lot trickier to keep up with everything atm and I thought he’d step up.

SAHM are also allowed time off. They're mot on duty 24/7

Sorry, op, but your marriage is never, ever going to go the distance. The resentment you already feel will destroy it. You married a man child, sadly.

My husband worked a stressful job full time and took 4 out of 7 night feeds as I have epilepsy and lack of sleep is a trigger. He also did his bit round the house and still does.
There is not excuse for not helping

Poppy, it’s not ‘helping. It’s ‘parenting’, or ‘functioning as an adult’.