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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I really be feeling upset that my husband has lost his wedding ring?

43 replies

mag2305 · 26/09/2021 21:49

This evening my husband asked me if I knew where his wedding ring was. He said that he'd taken it off to work out and apparently I'd put it somewhere safe. Now he's not talking in recent days, this would have been weeks ago! He's expecting me to remember when we have a 2 year old, an 11 week old, my husband has just started 2 new jobs and we moved house 2 weeks ago! Doesn't sound promising does it! I just feel sad that it's likely lost for good now, especially as we've moved. I got angry about it as it should have been his responsibility to look after it himself or at least ask me where I put it on the actual day he took it off. Is this just an annoying man thing or is it just me being sensitive? We've only been married 2 years and my husband's ring was made by a friend out of a Victorian shilling (our friend's hobby). I don't think my husband cares as much as I do about it but I do get quite sentimental over particularly precious things like that. AIBU?

OP posts:

WellLarDeDar · 26/09/2021 21:51

Did you put it somewhere or did he lose it? It is his responsibility, but if you put it somewhere safe for him and can't remember then technically you lost it surely?

WimpoleHat · 26/09/2021 21:52

YANBU…but he’s probably not as bothered about the symbolism of it as you are, so he’s not unreasonable either, really. To be honest, this is why my DH doesn’t have a wedding ring; I knew he’d lose it and I’d be upset, so didn’t seem worth the grief.

GoodnightGrandma · 26/09/2021 21:53

You may well find it when unpacking.
But I was upset when my DH lost his because it was given on our wedding day. He has another now, but he just put it on in the shop. Not the same.

KingdomScrolls · 26/09/2021 21:58

DH's ring was lined with a wood that had a particular sentiment for us, within eighteen months it was falling apart, apparently it's quite rare but there is a particular enzyme/acid present in higher quantities on some people's skin that causes this to happen, his body basically ate the inside of his wedding ring. We joke that it's his body's way of rejecting being married, so he's on his second ring so far (just metal this time) and leaves it in the ring dish in the bathroom at least a couple of times a month so I fully expect it to get lost at some point. It's upsetting to lose something, but it's just a piece of metal, the marriage is the important bit.

INeed2P · 26/09/2021 21:58

Hmmm IMO, YANBU to be upset about it if it is lost, but if you did put it in a safe place then YABU for being annoyed he then didn't check with you where this was etc (it's all very well saying he should have looked after it, but if you moved it somewhere "safe" then I think you take that responsibility).

The whole situation sounds stressful with young children / moving / new jobs - you've both got a lot on your plates! Fingers crossed it turns up when unpacking 😊

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/09/2021 22:00

This evening my husband asked me if I knew where his wedding ring was. He said that he'd taken it off to work out and apparently I'd put it somewhere safe.

If this is true, he gave you his ring and then you never told him where you had put it or gave it back, then it’s you that has lost it, not him.

I got angry about it as it should have been his responsibility to look after it himself or at least ask me where I put it on the actual day he took it off.

I agree it should be his responsibility, but if you feel that way too, then why did you take it to put it “somewhere safe”?

Is this just an annoying man thing or is it just me being sensitive?

It’s you deflecting blame. You took his ring and put it somewhere and now can’t remember where, but it’s somehow his fault and he has lost it?

So, yes YABU.

Hankunamatata · 26/09/2021 22:18

Couldn't tell you where dh ring is. He hasn't worn it since the day we married as has manual job.

Neveragain990 · 26/09/2021 22:21

Mine lost his. Tried to blame me for moving stuff on bookcase where it was allegedly last seen. I think it’s an annoying man thing. I’d never lose mine.

Original poster

mag2305 · 26/09/2021 22:30

The problem is we've had so much going on recently, neither of us can really remember who put it where. So I suppose we are both to blame in that respect. If I did move it somewhere safe, I would have put it on a little shelf out of the reach if our toddler as my dh would have just left it in a random low lying place. Problem is, my dad helped us pack up the last house and packed those shelves without me knowing. Just hoping we come across that box soon and it is in there. We have so many boxes to unpack still.
I think I'm just upset as it bothers me more than it does my dh because of the symbolism. However, I need to remember as a pp said, it's just metal not a marriage which is very true.

My post baby hormones probably don't help either, haha!

OP posts:

Willow19C · 26/09/2021 23:00

YABU if you moved the ring to a random shelf instead of putting it away somewhere actually safe.
YANBU if he just lay it around and you didn't actually move it.
As you can't actually remember if you moved it, it's hard to say which!

Vickim03 · 26/09/2021 23:26

There is hope, my hubby lost his years ago. We thought it was long gone. About a year later he found it in my sock drawer! Tho he swore last he seen was in a car park. Hopefully it’s in a box yet to be unpacked.

Draggondragon · 27/09/2021 00:54

I can't be doing with wedding rings. It makes me uncomfortable to think of a ring being worn to inform other people of the wearers status. I think if a woman wanted to have an affair with my husband, a piece of metal isn't exactly going to stop her. Luckily I am not insecure or possessive and neither is he.

Redsquirrel5 · 27/09/2021 01:12

I understand a bit of what you are feeling. DH left a phone engineer in our bedroom who he had met ten minutes before. I had left my gran’s and mum’s rings out as I had them on the night before and had been late in. I moved them but didn’t put them in their usual place because I felt I couldn’t. I normally trust people but I had had my purse taken at work so wasn’t feeling as trusting.
I put them in the box put them somewhere and had to go out. Forgot about them then when I remembered I couldn’t remember where I had put them. I am really upset mainly because of the sentimental value but they were both worth quite a bit. DH would certainly never spend that much on a ring.
I really hope you find it.

whatsmyusername · 27/09/2021 01:20

My husband wanted a ring at the time many years ago and insisted it be a more expensive metal. I thought it was a waste as he'd likely never wear it. He has worn it about 3 times! He couldn't tell you where it is now. My Dad never had a ring either so it not unusual. Don't worry about it its a piece of jewelery, it will turn up I'm sure. Sounds like you have alot more other things going on with two young DC and the house move. Don't waste your energy on it.

GoodnightGrandma · 27/09/2021 06:11

@mag2305

The problem is we've had so much going on recently, neither of us can really remember who put it where. So I suppose we are both to blame in that respect. If I did move it somewhere safe, I would have put it on a little shelf out of the reach if our toddler as my dh would have just left it in a random low lying place. Problem is, my dad helped us pack up the last house and packed those shelves without me knowing. Just hoping we come across that box soon and it is in there. We have so many boxes to unpack still. I think I'm just upset as it bothers me more than it does my dh because of the symbolism. However, I need to remember as a pp said, it's just metal not a marriage which is very true.

My post baby hormones probably don't help either, haha!

If your dad packed the shelves where you think you would have put it, have you asked him if he’s seen it ? Ultimately, it’s his ring so his responsibility. Don’t let him turn it on you and blame you.

Ericaequites · 27/09/2021 06:22

I can understand wanting to find the valuable ring. A wedding ring will not make a man faithful unless you put in through his nose, attach a short length of chain, and keep one hand on the chain at all times. My father was a mechanic, became a car dealer, and never wore a ring. He and MomofErica were married 59 years without even thinking of another woman.

SpindleWorld · 27/09/2021 06:28

I imagine it's in the box of stuff from the shelf it was left on.

trama · 27/09/2021 06:31

You lost it, not him - you were the one who had it last. If you're going to be cross with anyone be cross with yourself.

FatAnkles · 27/09/2021 06:33

My husband has worn his ring once, on our wedding day. It's in a box in our garage . He just doesn't "do" jewellery, not even a watch. I think OPs ring has more sentimental value to her, but her dh is less bothered. IME, that's typical.

marykitty · 27/09/2021 06:37

If you took responsability to move it and you do not remember where then YABU, you lost it, not him.

Of course it is understandable how this could have happened, 2 small kids, moving, busy life....do not blame yourself too much, you will find it during unpacking!

But at the same time you cannot blame him.....

Iggly · 27/09/2021 06:43

@trama

You lost it, not him - you were the one who had it last. If you're going to be cross with anyone be cross with yourself.

No that’s what DH says happened…

znaika · 27/09/2021 06:53

I can see why you're upset. But your life is sooo busy right now. I am super organised and I can tell when my life is too full on as I start losing my keys etc. Its like the brain cant handle the amount of stimuli. There is good odds it will turn up somewhere in some box and you will be delighted to see it.

bedbathandbeyond · 27/09/2021 06:58

My husband rarely takes his wedding ring off. When he does however, he has a mini carabiner (climbers clip) on his car keys which he attaches it to so he doesn't lose it.
For future reference when the ring is finally found or a new one bought it might be a good idea to get him a mini carabiner so it's not lost again.

ladyvimes · 27/09/2021 07:02

I don’t think it’s worth getting upset about. Life is busy and things get lost. It’ll probably turn up down the line.
I don’t think wedding rings are that important to some people. My dh never wears his as he doesn’t like wearing jewellery and it’s never bothered me at all!

shouldistop · 27/09/2021 07:11

My dh lost his wedding ring within weeks, I think it was a bit big. I just bought him a new one. It's only jewellery. I haven't actually worn my own rings in about a year. I took them off when pregnant with ds2 as my fingers got puffy. I keep meaning to take them into get cleaned and re-plated then I'll start wearing them again.

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