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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What does this message mean?

53 replies

Confusedpapoose · 26/09/2021 20:01

Long term partner, 3 year old daughter and currently heavily pregnant with our baby.

Partner works full tome. He messaged me asking “shall I take on extra shifts, to get us more money as we might need it and work girl has texted me asking if I can do X and Y days” I thought that’s not like him to suggest that, but that’s thoughtful. However I replied no, can’t do that sadly as I’m already working and no childcare for our daughter in place so you won’t be able to work. (This has already been preplanned)

So now, I’ve seen the messages between work girl and him, and she doesn’t ask at all. He asks her “what days do you need help?” Out of the blue. Bare in mind he moans every single time they ask him to do overtime because he says they’re incompetent and should know how many staff they need blah blah, I like spending time with our daughter anyway so it’s nice to be home. So that’s why I thought his message was strange as he usually isn’t up for overtime. Am I overthinking this?

In that same conversation, she helps him out with something else workwise and he says to her “I’ll buy you a glass of wine sometime” this is crossing a bit of a boundary, isn’t it? Or am I being uptight?

OP posts:
SaddenedByItAll · 26/09/2021 22:45

I wouldn't be happy
Yanbu

thefourgp · 26/09/2021 22:46

Agree with others - he’s testing the water, trying to spend more time with her, playing the mr nice guy helping her out card.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/09/2021 22:49

I'm sorry op but he likes her....testing the waters and if its reciprocal then you have a huge problem

Nip it in the bud now.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/09/2021 22:51

I think it depends on your DH.

If mine said it - definitely ooc. He barely drinks and avoids work things like the plague. If your dh goes to pub and buys his colleagues drinks to say thanks, then yabu.

Futurecatmum2 · 26/09/2021 22:53

Do you suffer sever jealousy or insecurity issues?

I wish people would stop this kind of bullshit gaslighting. I bet the cool wives of MN wouldn’t be too happy with their DH so blatantly testing the waters with that kind of message to a female colleague, OP - it’s clearly inappropriate FFS! YANBU and if I were you I’d confront him.

fluffythedragonslayer · 26/09/2021 22:56

I've been accused of being a "cool wife" (hate that expression but there you go) and I would not be happy with the wine and winky face convo at all. I dint think the extra days thing would worry me on its own but it definitely sounds like flirting with the other messages. Sorry OP.

Summerfun54321 · 26/09/2021 23:38

Your husband sounds like a creep that needs some training on what is or isn’t appropriate work chat. Sounds like she needs the same training.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/09/2021 00:29

Yep, agree. He's up to no good - or would like to be.

discombobulatedonion · 27/09/2021 04:32

If he’s had form for messaging people inappropriately before, he’s definitely trying to get her interested/show he’s interested and he’s testing the waters. Sorry, OP. I know it’s not what you want to hear but I’d fob him off now before you give birth to your second child. Regain control while you can x

WTF475878237NC · 27/09/2021 04:37

Offering to buy her a glass of wine is flirting. He’s testing the waters.

^ I thought this too. She's interested too judging by her replies.

MorriseysGladioli · 27/09/2021 04:49

I wouldn't like it.
Buying a glass of wine means going out for a drink, and it sounds as if he is carefully, casually, trying to ascertain if she might be up for that to my suspicious mind

SummerintheCity2021 · 27/09/2021 04:53

I wouldn’t be happy with that either. So what happens if she says yes, I’ll take you up on that?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 27/09/2021 05:45

@Bluntness100

Um you’re being a bit weird, she likely said to him she needs him to do overtime, and he’s texted and said when do you need help

And I’ll buy you a glass of wine sometime is fine, it’s hardly fancy a shag?

Do you suffer sever jealousy or insecurity issues? And why do you call her a girl? Is she his boss?

Fucking hell that's a bitchy response.

Do you suffer from severe arrogance or narcissism? My god.

Cam2020 · 27/09/2021 06:12

The “extra days” proposal was weeks ago and to be honest I’d totally forgotten it until I came across this conversation and I thought that’s odd, he said she approached him to help out with days but it’s clear as day here that it was the other way around.

It must have been instigated by a conversation though, otherwise it would be 'do you need me?' not 'when do you need me?'

Any other motive is impossible to tell! I've told many men at work that I owe them a beer and have followed through, but at work drinks rather that 1:1.No winky face ever, but without knowing the relationship, the background, or the people it's just not possibl to say. It's also something that is said often but often not followed through.

If you're feeling uneasy though, be alert to anything else that seems off.

Staryflight445 · 27/09/2021 06:20

I wouldn’t like this either op.

Firetimeagain · 27/09/2021 06:23

@Bluntness100

Um you’re being a bit weird, she likely said to him she needs him to do overtime, and he’s texted and said when do you need help

And I’ll buy you a glass of wine sometime is fine, it’s hardly fancy a shag?

Do you suffer sever jealousy or insecurity issues? And why do you call her a girl? Is she his boss?

I wouldn’t take seriously anything that Bluntness comes out with, she seems to pride herself on playing mind-games with posters.
Either that or quite simply her perceptions are distorted. Just for the record, I hate the passive-aggressive “um” as though one is being casual, rather than sarcastic. Only 2 or 3 days ago, she was telling the mother of a child who was clearly being chronically bullied, that the child should try to “fit in” more.

..and breathe ..

to my mind your DP clearly likes this colleague very much and is testing the ground with her.

Lessthanaballpark · 27/09/2021 06:35

At my work we would offer to buy drinks / chocolate for people helping us, both man or woman. But the “sometime” tag seems to indicate that it’s something new he wants to do.

If you bring it up with him he’ll know you’ve read his messages, is that a problem?

Dizzy1234 · 27/09/2021 06:45

I'd keep quiet for now, he can dismiss the text as work banter or as you say, gaslight you.
I'd be keeping a wary eye out for more texts.
Offering to buy her a glass of wine is him testing the water. If a male colleague sent that to me I'd reply with "don't be daft, it's all good" no way would I send a winky face unless I were interested in the colleague.
I think you're right to be wary op especially as he has form for this.
Wait and see if any more texts come through, get some stronger evidence before confronting him

Original poster
Confusedpapoose · 27/09/2021 07:38

@Dizzy1234

I'd keep quiet for now, he can dismiss the text as work banter or as you say, gaslight you. I'd be keeping a wary eye out for more texts. Offering to buy her a glass of wine is him testing the water. If a male colleague sent that to me I'd reply with "don't be daft, it's all good" no way would I send a winky face unless I were interested in the colleague. I think you're right to be wary op especially as he has form for this. Wait and see if any more texts come through, get some stronger evidence before confronting him
Yeah, this is what I think. I could bring it up and if there is an ulterior motive, I’ll never know because I reckon he’d just play ot off as “being nice, you’re being silly” and will be extra vigilant over his phone so I can’t win. I don’t know his passcode anyway, it was just left unlocked so I looked. So the opportunity to look again will be slim.

Is it enough to break my family up over? I don’t know but I still don’t think it’s right. Sighhhhhh, what a pickle

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 27/09/2021 08:28

His head has turned. He’s fishing and they’re flirting.

There you are heavily pregnant and he is angling for a drinks date with this woman.

And he is pretending that he is willing to work extra shifts to help the family finances when his real agenda is pleasing her.

OP, he has form for crossing boundaries and is doing so again. You have every right to come down hard over this. I’m actually surprised that you don’t know his passcode, as transparency with devices is a standard requirement for restoring trust. Did he suffer any consequences for his previous inappropriate messaging?

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2021 08:42

He’s done it before and it sounds like nothing changed; he’s still sending inappropriate little messages to other women.

Moneysavvymam · 28/09/2021 12:20

Bloody hell one of the first things I did when me and dh were getting serious was getting his password. It happened organically of course, just give me your phone mines in the other room and visa versa. He moans sometimes and I fucking tell him if you have nothing to hide then fuck off.
has anything else come up?

I hate this kind of thing because once the feeling of mistrust is there, it is there for a good while.
The winking face is upsetting. Seems like he was testing the waters and she accepted? I would be keeping some money back just incase (i do anyway and I'm not even suspicious atm. But once bitten) and don't let yourself go into full mummy mode. try to keep some time just for you, dress up, go out alone, even if nothings going on its good for you to be you and not just a mother.
I hope everything is okay love

Blossomtoes · 28/09/2021 12:24

You’d hate me. When a colleague has done something nice for me, I have been known to say “Will you marry me?”

Mymapuddlington · 28/09/2021 14:39

When a colleague has done something nice for me, I have been known to say “Will you marry me?”

That’s weird

Blossomtoes · 28/09/2021 15:05

@Mymapuddlington

When a colleague has done something nice for me, I have been known to say “Will you marry me?”

That’s weird

It’s a joke.
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