To cancel all hobbies?

[Tohobbieornot]

Both DC have always had hobbies, we did lots of classes as babies / toddlers and then since about 3 they have had a hobby that we take quite seriously, in that we try not to miss unless absolutely required (I hate people who take a spot on a team and then only turn up 50% of the time!).

DS is not an older teen and was considering his sport as a career. Although he’s currently injured and waiting for surgery (caused by said sport) so isn’t doing anything at the moment.

DD9 has done her hobby since she was 2, she was doing around 12-14 hours per week before lockdown. Over lockdown, she had major surgery (not caused by her hobby) and hasn’t yet been signed off to go back to her hobby. She will never be able to get back to the standard she was and won’t progress at the rate of the other children.

She’s undecided on whether she wants to go back to her existing hobby due to the above. We decided to spend Sept / Oct trying new things, I’ve booked her trials on a few different so far. She’s been to them she’s enjoyed them, said she will go back next week but then hasn’t mentioned it again so I’m not convinced she’s loving any of them (but definitely enjoyed and not hated them).

So AIBU to give up on hobbies and take back our spare time? I’m really enjoying having free weekends, no rushing off on Saturday mornings, being able to make weekend plans etc.

How important are hobbies in your families?

The problem with pausing for a while is their friends continue to progress, then they are either way behind when they go back or have to join another group that isn’t their friends which makes them unlikely to ever go back.

@simitra

Your family "hobbies" sound more like an imposition to be endured rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed.

I think of "hobbies" as something you pick up and put down when you are in the mood. Yours sound like something you do then sigh "Phew that god thats over with. Now I can relax".

I'm getting this impression too. I feel like this a lot on MN. It sounds downright exhausting sometimes.

My DC hobbies are going out on their bikes. . They don't like the regime of structured activities. We go swimming, for bike rides and dip in and out of physical activities as the mood suits.

It is very easy for an extracurricular that starts at 5 to become something a lot more by 10 if a child has an aptitude for it and is asked to do extra training, squad sessions, performance training.
Suddenly its 15 hours a week, but they are loving it so you go along with it.

My son was doing this amount of tennis until after a season of tournaments decided soccer was more fun.
That was it.
He still plays tennis now as he is a senior but he just changed his mind although years ago.

Similarly one of my daughters was in it very competitively for years and then decided hockey was what she preferred now that she was in her teens.

What they adore at 8 they may very well not at 12.

Also your daughter feels that if she can't compete she doesn't wish to spend all that time, which is fair enough as the end goal has gone.

I think taking a big step back and be guided by them both.

I can well imagine you are loving the extra downtime.

It was relentless here at times.

@billy1966

It is very easy for an extracurricular that starts at 5 to become something a lot more by 10 if a child has an aptitude for it and is asked to do extra training, squad sessions, performance training. Suddenly its 15 hours a week, but they are loving it so you go along with it.

My son was doing this amount of tennis until after a season of tournaments decided soccer was more fun.
That was it.
He still plays tennis now as he is a senior but he just changed his mind although years ago.

Similarly one of my daughters was in it very competitively for years and then decided hockey was what she preferred now that she was in her teens.

What they adore at 8 they may very well not at 12.

Also your daughter feels that if she can't compete she doesn't wish to spend all that time, which is fair enough as the end goal has gone.

I think taking a big step back and be guided by them both.

I can well imagine you are loving the extra downtime.

It was relentless here at times.

This is pretty much how I feel, I think I’ve been offering her lots of different trials so she doesn’t feel bad about quitting something she is never going to be as good at as she was. We have had tears some days saying they op has ruined her life, yet other days she says she not missing all the hours she spent there.

I’m wondering if we stop the trails of different hobbies and just let her ask me in future if she wants to try something.

She will never be able to get back to the standard she was and won’t progress at the rate of the other children.

She’s undecided on whether she wants to go back to her existing hobby due to the above.

We have had tears some days saying they op has ruined her life, yet other days she says she not missing all the hours she spent there.

Presumably the op was long planned and has to do with her long term health. I think you need to try to switch your emphasis onto the benefits of the operation. She's only 9, what sport means that she can't get back to the level of the other kids? Is she missing it because it's all she knows or because she is genuinely missing it? You'll have to be honest about her needing to put work in to get back to the level she feels she should be. But if that is what she wants then I think you should stop trying to get her interested in other activities and get her the best rehab you can afford as soon as she is cleared to do so.

It sounds like this is a transitional phase for her and for you as a family.

That can be very challenging.
When you have sporty children who were hugely invested and talented, for it to be taken away can cause them to suffer a bit of a crisis in who they are.
Their little lives have been wrapped up in this activity.

A couple of years ago my niece was on a national team and suddenly was ill, tumour found, thankfully benign, then a foot operation.

Total nightmare of a year for her and the family.
It was so traumatic.
She lost her place and was recovering for a year.
It was a huge transition for her as sport was her life.
Her closest friends were on the team.
Her parents were great, took the mood swings, grief, disappointment on the chin and she got through it.

She is now in her last year at university, is back playing her sport for the university team and life is great.

But it was a transition.

Her mother shudders at the memory though!

Go easy.
No pressure to fix it.
Be led by her.
Allow her to be sad, cry, feel angry, robbed, disappear.
Tell her you understand and she has every right to be fed up.
But reassure her that she is a strong, determined girl, who did so well at sport and she is strong enough to get through this.

If you feel she is a bit down, maybe look at some counselling to help her understand her emotions.

You sound like a great mum.

We didnt have all these extra curricular activities and indulgences in school when I was a kid (1950s). There were scouts, guides, cubs and brownies of course. And classes in things like morris dancing and ballet. My parents could never have afforded all these extras nor did they have a car to run me about and hand me in and out like a parcel at the beginning and end of each session. Anything I joined I had to make my own way there and back and pay for out of my pocket money. That didnt mean I didnt have "hobbies" like reading, dressmaking and looking after my pet tortoises.

I don't think kids "need" organised hobbies, really. If they want them, that's fine, but they're not a necessity.

So many hobbies don't require driving hither and thither. There are solo hobbies (including sport) that can be done at home. There are hobbies that can have a social element but still don't require frequent meet-ups at inconvenient times.

I'd look for interests that are less of a commitment. Things that don't have to be so full-on all the time.

My daughter used to do loads - rock climbing, guitar, theatre, swimming, ice skating, horse riding, athletics etc etc. I personally loved all of them and she was good at all of them, but the only thing she truly had a passion for and we kept is the horse riding. She is at the yard for a few hours every day after school and on Saturdays. It's something she truly loves to do. Everything else was a bit of a chore to get up for early on weekends

I think if they enjoy them and want to go then stick with it but if they’re only going so that they have hobbies then it’s not worth the hassle.