To cancel all hobbies?

[Tohobbieornot]

Both DC have always had hobbies, we did lots of classes as babies / toddlers and then since about 3 they have had a hobby that we take quite seriously, in that we try not to miss unless absolutely required (I hate people who take a spot on a team and then only turn up 50% of the time!).

DS is not an older teen and was considering his sport as a career. Although he’s currently injured and waiting for surgery (caused by said sport) so isn’t doing anything at the moment.

DD9 has done her hobby since she was 2, she was doing around 12-14 hours per week before lockdown. Over lockdown, she had major surgery (not caused by her hobby) and hasn’t yet been signed off to go back to her hobby. She will never be able to get back to the standard she was and won’t progress at the rate of the other children.

She’s undecided on whether she wants to go back to her existing hobby due to the above. We decided to spend Sept / Oct trying new things, I’ve booked her trials on a few different so far. She’s been to them she’s enjoyed them, said she will go back next week but then hasn’t mentioned it again so I’m not convinced she’s loving any of them (but definitely enjoyed and not hated them).

So AIBU to give up on hobbies and take back our spare time? I’m really enjoying having free weekends, no rushing off on Saturday mornings, being able to make weekend plans etc.

How important are hobbies in your families?

@Neonplant

It all sounds a bit ott to me. Its such a mumsnet thing for kids to have loads of hobbies they're amazing at and could do as a profession. But it's not all or nothing either. They could fo one or others which van be fine independently?

DD wouldn’t have made a career out of it. She wasn’t that good. She was good enough to be on the competition team but definitely not up there with the best. It’s more that when they start young, they add more and more classes and as the other kids all sign up, they don’t want to get left behind.

I do think the surgery has given us both time for take a step back and wonder if it’s right for us as a family.

DS on the other hand could take his into a career depending on the outcome of his surgery. The injury has come at a really bad time though for him.

It's OK to tell her she can have a break for now and if she thinks of something later she can try it.

I avoid weekend commitments if at all possible. Although my youngest Dd has started playing football and that’s weekend training and matches.

Op I am really sorry your dc have had injuries and needed medical intervention.

My ds competes at athletics and football and has had injuries through both. He has scaled fiwb his athletics involvement for a variety of reasons, but still trains. Could your dc just train once or twice a week, and maybe do something purely fun as well? Mine all enjoyed Cubs and Scouts, or you can do sports just for fun such as once a week martial arts or swim for your own enjoyment.

@5foot5

I’m really enjoying having free weekends, no rushing off on Saturday mornings, being able to make weekend plans etc.

Maybe your DD and DS too. I am a bit shocked at a 9 yo spending 12 to 14 hours a week on any activity. That's more than just a hobby. Would you mind if either of them decided they just wanted to have a bit of free time and no particular "hobby" for a while? Or maybe do a hobby for fun but not let it take over their life

If it's gymnastics or horse riding then 12-14 isn't unthinkable. I'm assuming gym or ballet for an operation to have had such a huge effect.

there aren't many sports that end up being careers unless there is a exit plan into coaching or similar.

If it doesn't allow you to have family dinners at home in peace and dignity, then it is not worth it, in my opinion.

We have no weekend hobbies and that’s because our weekends as a family are too important. The exception to this was swimming lessons which we all went to together.

Both DC have music lessons / dance / scouts Monday - Friday and we feel that is sufficient

Actually I forgot one of my DC has a horse riding lesson at the weekend - but that is 40 minutes

If the hobby is horse riding for your ds and he wants to make a career out of it, then I'd guess that's competing and you'd need to start looking at buying a horse really and definitely forget your weekends, in fact forget having a lie in ever again. Spend a month just burning money, like hundreds of pounds, by getting up at 4am in the morning with your son and do a 5k run in wet, muddy clothes. Then see if he still wants to do it as a career.

That's if it's horse riding of course.

There are very few sports where DD would train that much at that age, be on a competition team so young, and be unable to catch up - it sounded like gymnastics to me too. Is it rhythmic? Or cheer?

Your family "hobbies" sound more like an imposition to be endured rather than a pleasure to be enjoyed.

I think of "hobbies" as something you pick up and put down when you are in the mood. Yours sound like something you do then sigh "Phew that god thats over with. Now I can relax".

A lot of kids activities now are very high pressure, with this demand that the kids need to "keep up" and "progress" and often and undercurrent that it will become some sort of professional activity. Which is almost always not what happens.

Parents get sucked in bit by bit, feeling like they are being mean by not going along with the group's expectations. Kids internalize the expectations without even realizing it, or that there are many other things they might enjoy just as much. They can also internalize a lot of pressure.

In general, kids are better off to be a little more well rounded, and also to have some down time. Even when they are really into sports, all the research suggests that it is better to do many (not all at the same time) rather than focus on one young, they develop better as athletes, they are more likely to continue to be active into adulthood, and they are less likely to be seriously injured.

That sounds crazy! My DD is also 9 and 12-14 hours a week is a lot for them to cope with. When does she get to play out with friends? Or have people over after school? When does she get to mess around in her bedroom making a mess stories and playing with her toys?
DD does 5 after school activities of 6 hours in total. In two they enter competitions (one team, one individual). It's a lot, all are completely DD's choice and she asked to do them.
Is it really healthy to be concentrating on one activity so young?

I don't agree that all children need hobbies. I've always worked full time and as a single mum that meant DD went to wrap around childcare all through primary school. She did various activities during that time and that was enough.

When I picked her up at 6pm she nor I wanted to do any more. Weekends were also precious to us as they were our time to do things together. DD did go to Cubs but she generally just wanted to be at home. She loved reading and crafting. I was happy with that. Not going outside the home for hobbies doesn't mean loads of screen time.

It sounds like you're realising how much better life could be without all this frantic running around. And in all honesty if both children have required surgery due to the activities they do I'd be seriously questioning whether it's the right thing for them to be doing at all.

Ate there some after school clubs she can do? I think when my DD was that age she did after school Zumba, football, then out of school swimming lessons and Cubs. Did some martial arts for a while but it gets too much.

Can I ask though, mine is only 2 and next one in utero so this isn't really a thing for us yet though. How do you fit all this in?! DH is full time, I work 32 hours but will probably go back to full time. I can't see how we could facilitate multiple hobbies for each kid. I guess mealtimes and bedtimes become less arduous but still, how?!

It’s the rule on MN that hobbies are not named.

It's been really important to my kids to have a sport as they've grown up. My older two played football from age 4. DD gave up for about 18 months at early secondary age - she had a phase of really not wanting to go and bickering with dome team mates. However after a year she was really regretting leaving the team as it had been such a big part of her identity and independent from family social circle, as well as the physical fitness side and generally having an interest and something of her own going on. She also said that when introducing herself in new situations and even in French lessons she missed having a specific hobby and sport to state!

DD is 16 now and went back to football 4 years ago, DS1 has also played without a break for 10 years and knows lits of people independently of us and of school, through football. Its also what gets him outside and moving and away from the computer - so many 14 year olds want to do nothing but screen based entertainment.

Don't forget that your children may retreat to their rooms in their teens and not want to do family stuff - a sport independent of you is invaluable for teens and hopefully remains a hobby in early adulthood and is an easy way to get to know new people if they move away to study or work.

DC3 does martial arts and again has been going to the same place to do this for years and has friends there - this was absolutely invaluable when he started secondary school in a class where he knew nobody but most of the others in his class knew each other (we asked to have him put in a different class to a boy who'd plagued him at primary, but this meant he was separated from everyone from his primary). While he felt isolated at school initially he took great comfort in the fact that he has his martial arts friends and that he made friends through martial arts so "must be able to".

Its so important for teens to have a life and friends which isn't just a satellite of their partners, as they need to and want to develop their own identity and separate a bit - its part of growing up.

Don't make your children dependent solely on family for all their out of school company and activities, you do them no favours long term by making their world small!

One hobby they're really into is better than 6 different one hour per week classes to rush around though! My older two have football training twice per week (90 minutes each time) and a match most weeks - that's enough. DC3 just has two martial arts classes with the same people each week. All three are in separate groups/ teams but we car pool for football. We both work. Its perfectly manageable.

It’s the rule on MN that hobbies are not named.

There is a Monty Python sketch in which the contestant names his hobbies as strangling animals, golf and masturbating.
Whenever undeclared hobbies are mentioned on MN I always wonder...

Hobbies are okay to stop/pause if it’s what the kid genuinely wants to do, it should be their choice if they’re getting nothing from it. This should be from any age IMO, not just if they’re ‘old enough to decide’.

I’ve seen it first hand that once kids pull away it becomes a passive aggressive power struggle with some parents as they take it as a personal attack to how many hours they’ve put into it and how much money they’ve thrown at it. If you’re cool with it then that’s fine.
But make sure you work on being cool with it if you’re not, you might just be saying you are because you’re on MN.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I don't agree that all children need hobbies. I've always worked full time and as a single mum that meant DD went to wrap around childcare all through primary school. She did various activities during that time and that was enough.

When I picked her up at 6pm she nor I wanted to do any more. Weekends were also precious to us as they were our time to do things together. DD did go to Cubs but she generally just wanted to be at home. She loved reading and crafting. I was happy with that. Not going outside the home for hobbies doesn't mean loads of screen time.

It sounds like you're realising how much better life could be without all this frantic running around. And in all honesty if both children have required surgery due to the activities they do I'd be seriously questioning whether it's the right thing for them to be doing at all.

To clarify, DD’s surgery was nothing to do with her sport but it will limit how much she can do if she wants to return.

DS’s was sport related, he’s played from 11-15 and this is the first injury he’s received but just happens to be a serious one.

@arrangeyourface

It’s the rule on MN that hobbies are not named.

Given the ages of my kids, the exact sports and the fact that they have both had / waiting for surgery would almost certainly out us to anyone who knows us. The fact she’s thinking of quitting and not going back would be back to the club in no time! I’d rather avoid that and have a proper discussion with them when we’re ready and fully decided.

@Samuraisammy

Hobbies are okay to stop/pause if it’s what the kid genuinely wants to do, it should be their choice if they’re getting nothing from it. This should be from any age IMO, not just if they’re ‘old enough to decide’.

I’ve seen it first hand that once kids pull away it becomes a passive aggressive power struggle with some parents as they take it as a personal attack to how many hours they’ve put into it and how much money they’ve thrown at it. If you’re cool with it then that’s fine.
But make sure you work on being cool with it if you’re not, you might just be saying you are because you’re on MN.

Totally agree with this, and I’ll be honest if she has said she wanted to stop right in the middle of the deep training, I’d have probably asked her to stick it out until a certain event (ie show / comp / exam) etc but I think now we’re out it’s easier to see the bigger picture.

I’d be happy for her to go back just for fun and drop the comps etc but for her she said that’s the fun part.