Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that tithing we should be able to not buy all the drinks.

39 replies

Yogsgirl · 26/09/2021 19:37

We have some friends who are tight with their money- think the type that wear designer clothes, shop at m&s for their food, but never go out or on holiday. We are reasonably well off compared to them because both DH and I work, whereas they are less well off because the DW has been a SAHM for 16 years at least! Yet they spend their money on designer stuff, whereas we don't but enjoy eating and drinking out and foreign holidays.

DH doesn't want to go out with them because he says he always ends up buying all the drinks or paying for dinner. They have form for accepting the first round of drinks which DH pays for and then declining a second drink. DH will also offer to pay for dinner, thinking they will pay next time, but this never happens. I don't understand why DH just doesn't say lets split the bill but he's not used to people like this- all our other friends just reciprocate.

He says he doesn't want to socialise with them because of this, I can't see why he just doesn't pay for our drinks and let them pay for their own- eg. "shall we split it mate?" instead of paying for everything and feeling offended when the DH says he doesn't want another drink.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/09/2021 19:40

Why would you ask them if they want to split? Just say, "We're paying for our own tonight". Then you/your husband pays for what you and he had. No drama.

Rinse and repeat. Do it every time you socialise with this couple but honestly, you don't sound as if you enjoy their company or have much in common with them. Life's too short to 'make do' with people you don't want to spend time with.

Original poster
Yogsgirl · 26/09/2021 19:49

You probably have a point about whether we have anything in common- they keep pushing us see them though- mostly they avoid going anywhere and prefer to come to our house- to which they invite themselves- they invite us to theirs about once to every two visits to our house. DH always takes beer for him and the DH, I take a bottle of prosecco to theirs because that's all she will drink- when they come to us they usually just bring some crisps, and occasionally a bottle of prosecco.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/09/2021 19:52

I can see why he doesn’t want to keep going out with these freeloaders tbh

Getyourownback · 26/09/2021 19:54

I hope I’m wrong but you sound a bit like you think you’re superior to them? They aren’t tight if they’re spending their own money on food from M&S and designer clobber, that’s obviously what they like and what makes them happy. Just because you prefer to spend your money on holidays doesn’t make them wrong for not doing the same.

However, they shouldn’t obviously expect you to pick up the tab every time, but as your husband consistently offers, maybe they think that’s what you like to do and you’ve all fallen into a routine. Presumably these people are your friends and you want to find a way forward, so just pay your half next time.

Howshouldibehave · 26/09/2021 19:55

I completely see why he doesn’t want to go out with these freeloaders! Why do you?

Summersun2020 · 26/09/2021 19:55

I’m with your DH. For me it’s not about actually paying, it’s the principle. Sure, making it clear everyone is paying for their own would solve the problem, but I wouldn’t want to socialise with such tight arses.

Original poster
Yogsgirl · 26/09/2021 19:56

Yes, exactly @Getyourownback, my AIBU was reallyy with DH rather than the friends

OP posts:
NotYourCupOfTea · 26/09/2021 19:56

I expect you won’t see them again once they have to pay their own way
They are CFs

NoSquirrels · 26/09/2021 19:56

I’m with your DH.

If you go out with them, don’t get the drinks in, don’t offer anything.

If they invite themselves to yours say “It’s your turn, isn’t it?” And if they don’t always bring stuff just take a bunch of flowers next time or whatever.

ballsdeep · 26/09/2021 19:57

I don't understand why you keep on paying? Surely after the first time of them not paying their turn you'd stop. Or just not offer them a drink?!

Cuddlyrottweiler · 26/09/2021 19:59

Just stop doing what you're doing. Stop taking loads of stuff when you go to theirs. Stop offering to buy their drinks. Stop paying for their food. Take what you'll be drinking. Buy your own drinks then move aside for them to buy theirs. When the bill comes put enough for yourself and a tip and don't say any more.

nosyupnorth · 26/09/2021 20:02

YABU

If your husband doesn't want to pay, he should stop offering to pay!

Playing mind games of offering people things but secretly judging them if they don't offer you something of equal value in return is so rude and obnoxious.

Original poster
Yogsgirl · 26/09/2021 20:02

@Cuddlyrottweiler, this is exactly what I have suggested DHs does- he's in a strop and says he'd rather not see them! That makes it awkward though for me as I chat regularly with the wife and am the one that has to make excuses for him then try to cut ties with them without offending anyone.

OP posts:
Onlinedilema · 26/09/2021 20:15

I’m with your dh. He’s probably fed up and embarrassed.
Op why don’t you go to the bar and order yours and dhs drinks?
That would solve the problem.

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 20:21

Why are you leaving all the paying and therefore awkwardness up to your DH.

Get your card out and take control of the situation.

Zerogravity · 26/09/2021 20:23

What's it got to do with tithing?

Original poster
Yogsgirl · 26/09/2021 20:25

I'd be happy to pay just for us- split the bill- he thinks I'm rude! Prefers to seethe afterwards!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 26/09/2021 20:25

When they invite themselves to yours, just say no, you’d rather go out and when you get there, say ‘We’re only paying for ours, ok”, or when the waiter brings the bill, split it then or ask for separate bills for what you had. They’re taking the piss. Of course they prefer coming to yours, you pay for everything!

Original poster
Yogsgirl · 26/09/2021 20:26

tithing was a typo- was supposed to be thinking

OP posts:
gogohm · 26/09/2021 20:27

Socialise at each other's houses and say in advance "I'll make the main course and buy some beer, you bring dessert and prosecco". Then when you got to them do in reverse

Viviennemary · 26/09/2021 20:30

Why would you even want to socialise with such selfish rude meanies. Ditch them.

RightOnTheEdge · 26/09/2021 20:30

Well they sound like freeloaders and your husband sounds a bit of a childish pain in the arse.
If i was you OP I'd ditch them all and go let your hair down with some fun friends.

WellLarDeDar · 26/09/2021 20:34

Not sure why he keeps offering to pay. Just don't offer to pay any more and pay for your own stuff!

starfishmummy · 26/09/2021 20:35

Practice...

Friend: let's go out for a meal
Your DH/ You: great idea. Remember we paid the bill last time, its your turn this time.

Friend: Shall we come to you on Saturday
Your DH/You: Oh you came to us last time, it must be our turn to come to you, what time shall we arrive?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 26/09/2021 20:37

I’m going with YABU because you’re calling them tight for having different spending priorities to you.

You prioritise holidays and meal out. They don’t. They prioritise nice food day to day and nice clothes. Nothing wrong with that.

Stop going on meals out with them. Have them over or you go to them. If you can’t do that I don’t think the friendship is compatible tbh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread