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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Residential trips.

34 replies

kakeya97 · 26/09/2021 17:02

Are they compulsory? Surely not? Ds is in year 6 and they have a 4 night residential trip. Ds has asd and he does not want to stay. He's pretty adamant on this. School suggested staying one night but still not keen. When he doesn't want to do something, you know about it. He says he can't manage the sounds of the kids - which is true - needs complete silence to wind down ready for bed. School then said he could have his own room but then when he asked about a lamp as doesn't like the total dark, they said it'll be dark. Also, routine is really important to him and he won't get any of his usual routine there. It's also things like self care that he struggles with.

I have tried to encourage him but when DS wants to do something he really does but equally if he doesn't want to. He's very stubborn.

Although I have said he doesn't want to go and I'm not forcing him to do it, they are pretty damn adamant he should try it. Going against what I've said and trying to encourage Ds to go although we've already agreed no.

I'm not against him going but I can't manage if Ds changing his mind last minute because we couldn't afford to pay for it! If he wanted to go we would have spread the costs but it's pretty soon.

School have suggested me bringing him to and from each day which sounds like a great idea if it was closer to home but it's not feasible with work commitments, younger children to get to school and it being so far away (1.5 hours away so 3 hours there and back which would be twice a day so 6 hours travelling a day!). It would be exhausting for everyone including me, dp, DS and younger kids who will be adding on considerable time to their day travelling. Younger Dd is also ok the spectrum.

What am I meant to do? Teacher has been incredibly sarky with me regarding this saying he will miss out. I don't think it's affected the kids who haven't been able to go on residential due to covid has it?!

I never went on residential trips. I wasn't suddenly less independent from not going.

I don't think the school realise how much of a thing it would be for DS. He very rarely has a meltdown at school now so what if something triggered him there? He's extremely selective with food. What if he doesn't eat? There's water activities and he's not a strong swimmer which worries me too.

To add, I think he would hate the activities! He's not an outdoorsy kid at all! Not the best at physical activities and he often doesn't try new things over the fear of not being able to (working on that). I just think he would spend half the day watching the other kids if he's not encouraged.

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 26/09/2021 17:07

Sounds like a lot of hassle for not a lot of gain
Just say no if he's not going to enjoy any of it

FlamingoDust · 26/09/2021 17:08

They aren't compulsory, if he doesn't go he is likely to be in a group of others in school that week who also choose not to go. School may think he will enjoy it and think they are being helpful trying to reassure you. If you think he won't enjoy it definitely don't force him!

Auntycorruption · 26/09/2021 17:11

I think if school are supportive of him going they must think he can handle it. Often they behave very differently at school and can really stretch themselves out of their comfort zone. I would send him for the first night on the basis that you can collect him in the evening of day 2/3 etc if he wants to come back early. It could be the making of him, don't let your anxieties hold him back

Stompythedinosaur · 26/09/2021 17:12

The school are learning being unreasonable.

If they really want to be accessible they need to make more adaptations - own room is good, but they could look at a lamp/nightlight and a pre-agreed timetable, maybe an advance visit to the location.

I think you are fine to miss it tbh (would he even get anything out of the trip?) but if he wanted to participate a little could he do the first or last day so you are doing transport in one direction and he can go with the school at the other end of the day?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 26/09/2021 17:16

From the school's point of view it means they have to find an adult for him to be with during school time and usually there are several children who don't go on residential trips. Not your problem and the children staying behind usually do work connected with the trip but more craft or story writing stuff than normal core lessons. It is fun.

We have had children not go for several reasons, religious reasons, severe eczema, anxiety, coeliac, never stayed away from home and doesn't want to, cost or just doesn't fancy going on the trip.

The school should not be pushing your son on this. Encourage, yes, push, no.

Poetrypatty · 26/09/2021 17:18

I'd tell them no. If necessary fix up a meeting with the head. Where there's special needs involved it's very different and he's only young anyway.

ACloseMatch · 26/09/2021 17:18

It sounds like it would be a poor fit for him. He may have to spend those days with another year group though if only a handful don't go. Prepare him for that!

Original poster

kakeya97 · 26/09/2021 17:20

@Auntycorruption

It's not my anxiety. It's his. He wouldn't stay. I wouldn't even get him on the bus if he knew he had to stay. He's very set in his ways. I'd have been happy for him to go if he wanted to stay.

I'd have been totally happy to take him to and from if it was close by too but it's too far away!

OP posts:

simitra · 26/09/2021 17:20

I believe you know your DS best. Go with your gut and dont allow yourself to be pushed. Also do not allow any "sarky" talk from a teacher. They are not god.

BlueSussex · 26/09/2021 17:22

Definitely not compulsory.

I would just reassure him he does not have to go. Have a word with the teacher and tell her to pack it in.

UndertheCedartree · 26/09/2021 17:23

No, not compulsory. At my DD's school they have a 5 day residential in Y6. For the children who don't go they take them on local trips and do fun activities with them.

Clymene · 26/09/2021 17:23

No, the teacher is being ridiculous. He doesn't want to go.

poppy1973 · 26/09/2021 17:24

They are not compulsory. However, the school probably don't want him to miss out out on the experience.

However, if you aren't happy sending him and he won't be happy, then don't. The school will pop him into a different year group while the Y6 are away. He probably won't be the only one not going.

romdowa · 26/09/2021 17:26

Email the school and make it clear he has no interest and that they need to stop pushing.

BelfastSmile · 26/09/2021 17:31

I was in your DS' position at primary school. Didn't want to go on a trip, but everyone said "Go, go, you'll love it when you get there".

I absolutely hated it and got sent home on day 2, having not eaten anything since I got there, and having hyperventilated several times. It put me off trips for a long time (the year after, I point blank refused to go, and since I was the only one left behind, I got to spend the week in the school library doing a project - bliss!).

I wouldn't force it if he's not ready. There'll be more trips.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 26/09/2021 17:32

Dd has ASD and her primary was brilliant about her y6 residential. We were able to sit down with them and work out what the barriers would be and how we could work around it. She did go and had fun. The adaptations worked and we had her home for one night in the middle and she went back the next morning with a teacher who was going.
Unless the school are willing to make adaptations and listen to you then it's not going to do him any good to go.

Original poster

kakeya97 · 26/09/2021 17:36

@UndertheCedartree

No, not compulsory. At my DD's school they have a 5 day residential in Y6. For the children who don't go they take them on local trips and do fun activities with them.

This was the thing when I was in year 6. Those who didn't go had other fun activity days. Doesn't seem to happen there though... 😏

OP posts:

Whiskyinajar · 26/09/2021 17:39

Definitely not compulsory. My son has Asd and in Y6 he DID attend tj residential but only because my sister was a TA in his class and was going too. I doubt I would have got him on the bus otherwise.

School also offered to fund a B&B for me to stay nearby in case DS needed me but as I could get to the place inside three hours if necessary I declined. He had a great time ....the Duke of Edinburgh residential in Y 9 however ......he screamed the field down . We got him back in the car and took him home.

Original poster

kakeya97 · 26/09/2021 17:43

@Whiskyinajar

Definitely not compulsory. My son has Asd and in Y6 he DID attend tj residential but only because my sister was a TA in his class and was going too. I doubt I would have got him on the bus otherwise.

Glad it worked out okay in year 6! School have suggested that I could stay for the day with him but it's not that easy at the drop of a hat. It's miles away!

I must admit that I felt the same at duke of Edinburgh in year 9 😅 I only did the practise bronze and swore never to do it again. I remember being home sick, covered in blisters, sunburnt, tired and hungry. Didn't enjoy the experience at all. Cried myself to sleep!

OP posts:

Original poster

kakeya97 · 26/09/2021 17:45

I am all for promoting independence but I didn't turn out too bad considering I never went on many trips either 😅 Mine was more my mum not letting me though and a mixture of being ridiculously home sick. I don't think it affected me too badly. I used to get homesick terribly, wouldn't even stay at my friends house over the road from our house but I moved out alone at 18 and never looked back!

OP posts:

Lookwhoseinsideagain · 26/09/2021 17:45

Could you look at the schedule, pick the 'best' day, and go up with him for the day? You could stay as a volunteer/chaperone, and both leave at the end of the day (or earlier if he's struggling).

That way he gets to try one or two new activities but without the stress/fear/anxiety of thinking about staying over night.

I'm not whether you could make that work with the rest of the family, but it could be a potential compromise?

Tooembarrassingtomention · 26/09/2021 17:46

What diagnosis of SEND does he have?
Sounds like the school are trying to be inclusive.

Original poster

kakeya97 · 26/09/2021 17:53

@Tooembarrassingtomention

What diagnosis of SEND does he have? Sounds like the school are trying to be inclusive.

He is diagnosed asd. He has an EHCP with mainly leaning needs outlined in his plan. I appreciated they are being inclusive but they are very dismissive of some of his needs. On the year 3 residential (didn't stay) they were very dismissive of concerns I had and of course what I mentioned did happen (a sound triggered him that he wouldn't have ever heard in school before).

Being inclusive one thing, not he just doesn't want to go....

OP posts:

CiaoForNiao · 26/09/2021 17:53

If he doesn't want to go then he doesn't want to go.

DS1 has never been on a residential. He knows he'd hate it. His primary school tried to make me send him on the yr 6 one. Told me I could pick him up on day 2 I he wasn't happy. Conveniently forgot I don't drive so couldn't get there without asking other people.

DS2 otoh has been on residentials with Primary and secondary school. Plus boys brigade and kids camp with the local church.

Not all children enjoy being away from home.

PrimaryMumma · 26/09/2021 17:55

I never went on residentials (except 6th form work experience in France) and never felt like I’d missed out. I wasn’t massively outgoing, hated sports and camping and loved being home with my family. I went on almost every theatre and museum trip the school offered, but never the exchanges or residentials.

I’m now a proper grown up, went to a good uni and studied languages, lived abroad, worked abroad and travelled a fair bit. It has made no difference to my life that I didn’t go on the Y6 French trip, the Y9 German exchange or the Y11 river trip residential (etc). I did all these things when I was ready and not when school told me to. I think they thought I was weird for not going, but my mum was adamant and always told them where to go.

Amusingly… I did my first camping trip this summer and hated it. I like museums, not tents and bracing walks! Plus ca change! :-)

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