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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents don’t like my Other Half!

39 replies

Nellie1997 · 26/09/2021 16:07

Hi Everyone
I’m new to this site and was hoping for some advice. I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have a very up and down relationship and during the downs I sometimes talk to my parents. We do always make up, however my parents don’t seem to be able to forget the fall outs and don’t want to be in his company. My partner and I have two children, who my parents adore, and they want to see them on the same day every week at my house (I don’t drive so can’t go to them) without my partner there. I have told them this just isn’t possible- if they don’t want him here, I have said they will have to be more flexible ie, come over when he’s out OR come on the same day every week but face seeing my partner. They feel they should be able to have things their way as they haven’t done anything wrong. Am I being unreasonable with the options I have given them?

Any advice/help is much appreciated! X

OP posts:
ManifestingJoy · 26/09/2021 16:10

It's an awkward situation but they're making things more awkward for you by trying to dictate that your partner be out of the house when they're there!

They must really be unable to disguise their dislike of him. Are there good reasons for this?

Freddiefox · 26/09/2021 16:11

Your parents are very unreasonable, firstly to expect to be able to see their grandchildren in the same day every week, but also to expect your dh to go out.

However, do they consider your dh to be abusive? If not I also think yabu to talk to your parents about your relationship problems and expect them not to worry.

ManifestingJoy · 26/09/2021 16:11

Reading between the lines here, you have told your parents about everything he's done and they feel that you should have ended the relationship?

They're refusing to play happy families around him?

Merryoldgoat · 26/09/2021 16:12

Well. On the face of it they’re being unreasonable.

But it depends on the nature of your relationship.

For example, if my child was in an abusive relationship and continually told me about it and sought my advice and support but ignored good sense and repeatedly forgave terrible behaviour I’d not be keen to see him either.

Ughmaybenot · 26/09/2021 16:16

Trying to get a feel for your relationship from this post is quite difficult but it does sound rather like your boyfriend hasn’t behaved very well towards you in the past and you’ve vented to your parents. They are, therefore, not keen on your partner and think you’d be better off without him, is that about the sum of it? How reasonable they are being on their stance depends rather on the manner of his misdemeanours in the past of course.
I can see how awkward this must be for you but I absolutely agree that your parents cannot dictate that your partner leaves his own home in order for them to see his children without him there. Equally, even if the relationship was fine with your partner, they cannot insist on having a set day per week that they always see you and your children, it’s not really very reasonable.

ISpyCobraKai · 26/09/2021 16:20

If you keep telling your parents everything he has done wrong, then they aren't going to like him.

HeddaGarbled · 26/09/2021 16:20

Could you learn to drive? It would be good for you to be more independent, especially when your relationships are difficult.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2021 16:20

You tell your parents about your relationship problems, and now you're frustrated that they don't like your partner? What did you expect would happen?

Rubyupbeat · 26/09/2021 16:21

Why do you tell your parents about your fall outs if you want them to like him?
You shouldn't get them involved as they are bound to side with you.

seaandsandcastles · 26/09/2021 16:22

You shouldn’t be telling your parents about all your arguments and fall outs. They’re private and it’s not fair for you to go spreading them.

You also can’t expect them to like him once you’ve done that. Natural consequences.

MrsColon · 26/09/2021 16:23

What has he done that they despise him so much? Has he ever been verbally or physically abusive? Is he unkind to you or the DC? Does he pull his weight financially and with parenting?

Lovemusic33 · 26/09/2021 16:24

How would you feel if it was your daughter coming to you upset because of her partner? Your parents care about you more than anything so of course they are going to hold a grudge when someone (your partner) has upset you. You maybe able to forgive your partner but they obviously can’t. Maybe they are right to be concerned?

MrsKeats · 26/09/2021 16:24

Why on earth do you share relationship issues with your parents? That's a terrible idea.

Original poster
Nellie1997 · 26/09/2021 16:29

Thanks everyone for your comments so far…the relationship is not abusive…we do have some horrible rows, which we are both trying to address…I think if I’m honest they would probably prefer it if I wasn’t with him but there is still lots of love there, and we both want to make things work. It is the very rigid approach that gets to me with my parents. They are quite conservative and old fashioned…they will never just pop round and will never ask if they can come over. If I don’t arrange it, they don’t come. X

OP posts:
Fallagain · 26/09/2021 16:29

Well I wouldn’t want my child to be in a “very up and down relationship”. What exactly does this mean?

You have put them in this situation by running to them whenever there has been an issue. I’ve been with DH for over 15 year and I’ve only spoken negative about DH once when I asked my own DF for advice. Other than I may say ‘he is irritating with packing for holiday’ but nothing more than that.

Finknottlesnewt · 26/09/2021 16:31

Why on earth do you not drive ? I am assuming there is no physical reason for this as you simply said you could only visit your parents when your partner is available - because you don't drive . As though we are living in the 1950s !
Get yourself driving and then you have independence to move freely . Being reliant on a volatile partner for something so fundamental is really not good.

Original poster
Nellie1997 · 26/09/2021 16:34

I agree that I have said too much previously and have now said moving forward I will not involve them any more, as I understand it puts them in a difficult position. I am not asking them to be overly nice etc just exchange pleasantries if other half is home.

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 26/09/2021 16:34

How are you trying to address the issues? The best thing you can do is to stop telling your parents about the issues within your relationship, it’s only natural it causes them to have a negative opinion about your boyfriend based on that. I appreciate you’ve already been told this several times on here, so sorry for covering old ground, so to speak.
Is your username in relation to your age? Because that implies you’ve been with this guy since you were, what, 10? and that you’re still very young. Those factors won’t help re your parents judgement on your relationship issues.

Original poster
Nellie1997 · 26/09/2021 16:34

I am learning to drive now. X

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 26/09/2021 16:38

Don't go to your parents with your problems - it's not fair to complain to them about him, and then expect them to forget all that and be nice to him afterwards.

cricketmum84 · 26/09/2021 16:38

Strange post. My DSis was in an awful relationship a few years ago and I wouldn't visit if he was there. He was awful.

I feel like you are missing out a lot of detail. It takes some pretty bad treatment for them to decide they can't even bear to be in the same house as him. Not just petty arguments.

Iwonder08 · 26/09/2021 16:40

It is entirely your fault. If you want to discuss the gory details of your marriage with your parents then don't expect them to behave like they don't know anything around your husband. You tell him he is nasty to you/did something wrong/whatever your row was about then what do you expect?

someonesomewhere7 · 26/09/2021 16:43

OP, what do these horrible rows consist of? You say he's not abusive, but an outsider might see things differently.

Brokeandtired3 · 26/09/2021 16:51

I think they must have a valid reason to not like him enough to not even want to be in the same house. Just because they love your children doesnt mean they need to support your relationship if they think you deserve better or he isnt good enough. If you didnt want this kind of atmosphere created you shouldnt of involved them in so many negatives because naturally as your parents they arent go to look over this.

I wouldnt be surprised if you are downplaying how horrible he can truly be because you are both going through a "good spell" but during rhs arguments you are overly upset about it towards your parents and perhaps even hysterical in how you convey it to your parents.

I hope you dont show off these " ups and downs" I front of your children. They deserve a stable environment

girlmom21 · 26/09/2021 16:55

Your parents main priority is you. That's why you don't discuss your relationship with anyone. It's only natural that they'll dislike a man who has huge rows with you.

However if you're a couple they need to respect that. Your home is his home and they don't get to dictate who's there and when.