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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contact whilst at university

30 replies

Tevion28 · 26/09/2021 16:05

I am prepared to be put in my place but I'm sort of feeling like out of sight out of mind now my ds is at university and its only been a week.
He never contacts me or his dad to see how we are and never answers my messages unless I prompt him. Was wondering what level of contact should he or I be making and what's your own experiences.aibu

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 26/09/2021 16:08

Sounds about right!

I had to learn to cut back and lower my expectations.

Think I settled on a weekly text.

They'll call through when they need something 😂

SouthSideSally · 26/09/2021 16:10

Uch it's rubbish Op. He's finding his feet. Don't panic.

Ashitaka · 26/09/2021 16:10

If you are on facebook, join this group
www.facebook.com/groups/488235648182391

I found them REALLY helpful

DramaAlpaca · 26/09/2021 16:12

Don't worry, he's settling in and finding his feet. My middle DS was just the same. At this stage just leave him be. The fact that he's not in contact is actually a good sign that he's doing OK.

Original poster

Tevion28 · 26/09/2021 16:13

Thanks

OP posts:

EveryoneIsUnique · 26/09/2021 16:14

My daughter been for 2 weeks and calls daily as bored in afternoons and doesn't like the silence, comes from a big busy family. She did say the lads didn't seem to call home a lot.

Anonymouseposter · 26/09/2021 16:16

No news is probably good news. If he was finding it difficult to settle in or having any problems you would be hearing more from him.

icedcoffees · 26/09/2021 16:19

It's very normal.

I would be more worried if I was hearing from him regularly, tbh, as it would most likely mean he was struggling to settle in.

Hardbackwriter · 26/09/2021 16:19

'Never' seems a bit of a stretch to describe how he's been behaving for a single week! As people have said, it's a good sign. I knew people who called home daily from university and it was never because they were really happy and settled.

Original poster

Tevion28 · 26/09/2021 16:19

Such a big change for me after having him.around for the past 19 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tevion28 · 26/09/2021 16:20

He has told me he is loving it

OP posts:

grumpygiraffe · 26/09/2021 16:21

He’s only been gone a week and you’re repeatedly using the word “never”? Bloody hell.
Well done for bringing him up to be independent.

Notaroadrunner · 26/09/2021 16:22

I texted Ds a few times in week one, less in week 2. Week 3 I sent one picture of the cat and didn't hear from him at all. I have to trust he's happy and enjoying himself and not missing us too much. He's home at weekends for now so at least I can see he's ok then. I imagine dd will keep in contact more when she goes as she'd be more chatty at home.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/09/2021 16:24

That's a really good sign, they're obviously not pining for home.

Ring once a week- I usually text first to see if it's a good time. Ds usually chats on the phone to his dad once a week and I get on better having late night texts. We try and visit every 6 weeks, good excuse for a weekend away.

Etinox · 26/09/2021 16:24

I’ll get flamed here for it but I have my student and ‘in their 20s/ working away/ occasionally boomerang/ living oversees’ dc on find friends and various WhatsApp groups and Facebook messenger. We all communicate at least daily; sometimes just a meme sometimes they call or FaceTime me if they’re bored Messenger is great because I can see if they’re awake- it’s a little like living opposite your dc and noticing the curtains or drawn or the milks not been taken in

I’m super super careful not to intrude. So much so, that having noticed 300 mile away DS was never at home but often at another address I assumed he’d found a bidey in and said nothing. Finally in exasperation at my lack of interest (he obviously knows I can see him on find friends) he admitted he was homeless. I honestly think our level of communication is just a habit. Firstborn spent a summer overseas in a city I knew well when he was 16, he had a new phone with unusual at the time uncapped data and calls and would often call and send pics, having started it just became our family dynamic. Can you softly start sending memes pics etc? And be demanding, “oi son are you dead in a ditch? I haven’t heard from you in a week”

merryhouse · 26/09/2021 16:24

S1 went back for his fourth year on Tuesday. We haven't had the police round so I'm assuming he got there

Theworldisfullofgs · 26/09/2021 16:25

Increased technology raises expectations. Mine has just gone and I try not to contact. When I was an uni, there was a queue for the pay phone or letters. Talking to parents was infrequent at best.

TillyTopper · 26/09/2021 16:26

If he's told you he's loving it then stop worrying. Both of my DS are now in their second year. I say they have to contact me once a week - (pic of something, "hi", whatever - nothing more if they are busy) but just so I know they are ok.

Original poster

Tevion28 · 26/09/2021 16:27

I try to strike up a convo on WhatsApp I get one answer then he buggers off

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/09/2021 16:31

From my friends experiences boys do tend to be worse at keeping in contact than girls,

My own experience, I have 3 ds now in their 20’s and remarkably all are settled near their uni towns: one ds texts and rings almost daily and comes home often, two rarely text - but will answer mine - don’t ring and come home infrequently. We visit them for the weekend every two to three months and one is just about close enough to meet for lunch.

I feel for you op, it’s hard when you don’t hear from them much.

RevolutionRadio · 26/09/2021 16:31

I phoned family once a week when I lived away from home.

SussexBonfireViking · 26/09/2021 16:35

we have a family chat group, like whatsapp, but its called discord. DC are too cool for whatsapp

and its just me, dh, ds1 and ds2 - and many cat photos

Finknottlesnewt · 26/09/2021 16:36

Dropped DD2 last week. She is on a group with me, DS and DD 1 . Have had a few messages during the week of the single word type.. DS hasn't popped up for days . Then had FT joint call from both DDs this morning -

Which is all fine. Sunday morning is quiet. The rest of the time they are all busy .

mbosnz · 26/09/2021 16:41

LOL, you are reaping the 'rewards' of raising a young man willing and able to fly! I'm dreading it - as it is, I barely see my daughter (Y13) during the week, between school, her job, and her all consuming passion - the boyfriend, that is. . .

When I left home, it was once a week I'd call, or once a fortnight if they'd really pissed me off. . .

SnackSizeRaisin · 26/09/2021 16:42

Once a week or fortnight is a reasonable expectation once he's more settled (hopefully a phone call or series of messages not just one). You can't expect daily contact though. He needs space to settle in. It's better if he doesn't feel that mum wishes he was back at home. Also if you pressure him it will put him off more.

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