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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not ready for my dad to die

82 replies

Jinnybean · 25/09/2021 19:53

My dad (72) is badly ill in hospital. He has heart failure, kidney failure and a lung infection. It’s very touch and go atm. I was allowed to see him today for the first time since he was admitted and while being fed a yogurt he almost choked to death in front of me. Iv never seen such fear in someone’s face. It was horrific and I’m really shook up. I had to go and sob in the bathroom. He doesn’t want to live anymore.
He had a stroke when I was 16 (I’m 31 now) snd my mum died when I was 19.

I’m not ready to be orphaned yet. He’s my hero and I love him so so so much.

I fear I won’t get to see him again. They don’t really know vistors on the ward so no idea how me and my sister got in today or how she’s been going every week on her own. (They would only lllow one and she’s taken it upon herself to be his next of kin).

I feel so emotional and lonely. And selfish.

OP posts:
gailplattshairbrush · 26/09/2021 09:44

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When my dad passed away (he was only 56) I took comfort in the fact that he couldn't feel anything anymore. He wasn't in pain, he wasn't frightened. He was just at peace. It was those of us left behind that had to deal with the hurt.

You will get through this. Lean on your sister and your husband. Lots of friends came forward and offered me support as I have a very small family. Take it one day at a time and cherish all of the happy memories with your dad.

Lots of love.

Original poster
Jinnybean · 26/09/2021 09:59

Thank you so much.
I’m sorry for everyone’s losses.

I feel so alone. I have my husband and my kids and 2 sisters and a brother I don’t speak to but they are all a lot older than me.

OP posts:
confuseddotcom1234 · 26/09/2021 10:54

Just wanted to send hugs can't imagine how you feel. Take care of yourself and do what feels right to you whether that is eat lots of chocolate or cry in bed.

Original poster
Jinnybean · 27/09/2021 07:30

I’m so hurt and exhausted. My husband doesnt understand. He isn’t close to his parents snd has never felt grief before.

He was being snappy this morning moaning that the kids had ate loads of the food already and I asked him not to be grumpy, he replied “so you have a free pass now to be annoying”?!

I feel so alone.

OP posts:
Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 27/09/2021 09:10

Huge hugs OP Flowers

baggies · 27/09/2021 09:38

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died 24 years ago on Saturday and I spent a long time at her grave talking to her. I talk to her all the time in my head and it helps.
In time the intense pain and shock will dull but for now It simply is devastingly painful.

I am so sorry your husband is not giving you support. You don't need to lose a parent to feel someone's pain. Take comfort in the day to day routine of your children's lives. Mine kept me going as life carries on for them.
Maybe your sisters and you can meet and support each other as you have a shared pain losing your parents.
Don't feel embarrassed to reach out for support. I hope your friends are rallying round.
Sending you hugs and Thanks

Original poster
Jinnybean · 27/09/2021 13:13

I haven’t heard a thing from my friends.. I don’t really have any friends tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinnybean · 28/09/2021 06:40

Thank you. I’m so annoyed and upset that Iv not been given the time to grieve. I’m still having to get up in the night to sort the youngest out/ the puppy. Still having to put the kids to bed, still have to parent and tidy.

I just want to shut myself away and be looked after.

Iv got a sore throat this morning as well, I feel so run down.

OP posts:
IamaBluebird · 28/09/2021 16:37

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Lemonyfuckit · 28/09/2021 16:53

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'm also grieving my DF who died a few months ago and it sucks. I also feel like I wasn't ready to lose him. I know everyone says you're never ready and of course not, but I get what you mean. I've been lucky enough not to experience a big loss before and it's honestly the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm so sorry you're not feeling like you're getting the support you need in real life. I don't know whether any of this will help you, but I've found a few things which have helped a bit and I hope they might help: I've found myself listening to podcasts about grief - it turns out there are a lot of them, about how people have been dealing with it, what they've found helps, and also just taking myself off somewhere by myself to cry, and then maybe try a meditation or podcast when it's all just getting too much to carry on. I also like talking about my DF with people even though it's upsetting, I like to remember him and look at photos.

Everyone keeps telling me it's a process, and there's no specific timeline but it does get easier. I hope you find a way to take time for yourself - I'm sorry your DH isn't picking up the slack for you, I hope he can try and understand better what you're going through and you do get the time to do whatever you find helps you get through this. Thanks

Lemonyfuckit · 28/09/2021 16:57

@HumphreyCobblers

I would try to go and see him. The nurses on the ward when my dad was used their initiative and let us in when my dad was near the end.

So sorry, it is incredibly hard to see fear and pain on your loved ones face like that. I try and think that my father had millions and billions of happy moments in his life and hardly any moments of fear and pain. The pain does not define his life x

I love what you said about the millions and billions of happy moments and hardly any of pain @HumphreyCobblers, that is a beautiful way of looking at it.
mineofuselessinformation · 28/09/2021 20:29

@Jinnybean, so don't ask your husband for support - tell him you need it and that you're looking to him to step up and take the load for a while.
I've been in your situation and it's a horrible thing to go through.
You have my sympathies. Thanks

Original poster
Jinnybean · 30/09/2021 20:01

I’m so mentally drained. I had to go and clear his bungalow today. Seeing his chair, his glass of water that was left of the side etc has broken me but I can’t cry. I still have to parent. Still have to cook dinner, wash clothes, do the school run. Plus it’s my sons birthday tomorrow. I can’t get excited. I feel like an awful mum but I’m SO exhausted.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 30/09/2021 20:14

I'm so sorry to read that your Dad died. My Dad is in hospital right now he has stage 4 cancer its terminal and whilst he isnt dying right now I am slowly coming to the realisation that we dont have that long he is 65. I am glad you were close to your Dad and that he was your hero. In all honesty I am not as close but still it feels like a dark cloud looming. I hope your DH steps up for you and if he doesnt spend some time with your sister surely you can comfort each other.

Newuser82 · 30/09/2021 20:17

@Jinnybean

I’m so mentally drained. I had to go and clear his bungalow today. Seeing his chair, his glass of water that was left of the side etc has broken me but I can’t cry. I still have to parent. Still have to cook dinner, wash clothes, do the school run. Plus it’s my sons birthday tomorrow. I can’t get excited. I feel like an awful mum but I’m SO exhausted.
It’s so hard. I’m in the same position with two young children. Would be lovely to go away for a few days to chill out and process things.
Original poster
Jinnybean · 14/10/2021 07:43

It’s my dads funeral today. It doesn’t feel real. Like my brain isn’t processing it. It’s stopping me from grieving properly.

I went to see him on Saturday and he looked so handsome and just like my dad.

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 14/10/2021 07:57

I'm so so sorry this thread has caught me off guard this morning. Made me cry
Bless you and your lovely dad.

I'm so sorry he's the same age
As my dad.

All my love today

rushedruined · 14/10/2021 08:07

Thinking of you OP. All you can do is take it one minute at a time Thanks

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 14/10/2021 08:09

Thinking of you too OP.
Love and strength to get you through today Flowers x

M0rT · 14/10/2021 08:13

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
It sounds like he was a lovely man to be this mourned.
I'm grieving someone too at the moment and I don't want to accept it and move on, I just want them back.
So I completely understand your not being ready.
Wishing you strength and comfort today. 🤗

Crystalglass · 14/10/2021 08:19

I can completely understand what you mean about it not feeling real. It won’t until the funeral has passed - that was my experience anyway. I went through all the motions of organising everything and then it wasn’t until afterwards that it properly hit me.

Your husband doesn’t sound as though he is being very kind, which is hard. My DH did absolutely everything. He just quietly and calmly took over and made sure the children were ok, enough of the the housework was done (up to a point!), that we were all fed and watered. All while working too. I am so grateful to him for doing all of that.

Can you speak to your husband?

Crystalglass · 14/10/2021 08:20

Sorry hit post by mistake too soon.

Thinking of you today, and hope the day goes as well as it can Flowers

Crystalglass · 14/10/2021 08:22

@Jinnybean

I’m so mentally drained. I had to go and clear his bungalow today. Seeing his chair, his glass of water that was left of the side etc has broken me but I can’t cry. I still have to parent. Still have to cook dinner, wash clothes, do the school run. Plus it’s my sons birthday tomorrow. I can’t get excited. I feel like an awful mum but I’m SO exhausted.
Don’t feel bad for any of your feelings. You are grieving. It is hard to feel anything else just now. Even pretending takes up a lot of energy.

Emptying mums house was very hard. Especially, like you say, clearing away very personal items that they’ve used Sad

Mindymomo · 14/10/2021 08:52

So sorry for you and hope today goes as well as it possibly can. I lost my dear Dad 6 years ago and miss him terribly. There’s something about a daughter/dad relationship that’s special and not everyone gets it.

WakeMeUpin22 · 14/10/2021 09:06

Sending you lots of love Op. Flowers