Nobody’s taking my allergy seriously?

[Littlehaven998]

Three weeks ago I had a severe reaction while out at a restaurant, I had no previous allergies I knew of and the food was one I’d eaten before. I went into anaphylaxis and stopped breathing within 10 minutes of eating, and spent days in hospital on oxygen struggling for breath, swollen face so bad I couldn’t open my eyes. I was referred for urgent allergy testing and it came back I’m severely allergic to Peanut despite having peanut several times before. It’s come on, quickly but that can happen. The allergist said I’ll be heightened to peanut for a while. I have epi pens.

My AIBU is that nobody seems to be taking it seriously. A friend came round with a surprise takeaway the other night on way home from work, didn’t ask her too, she brought five guys cooked in peanut oil! Was unwrapping on the side before I had to stop her, and she had to sanitise the side etc. She knew about my allergy.

My mum came to visit last night with a bottle of wine and brought peanut and cashew mix, and again was tipping them into a bowl before I had to say and remind her again.

It also doesn’t help that my DP thinks I’m being overreacting, as does my parents and I should just “relax”. Though stopping breathing was terrifying to me.

AIBU to not know how to enforce this? My work are being great with peanut free office but family/friends not so much. Am I overreacting?

I’ve never eaten at five guys so don’t know how obvious the frying oil would be, but that one could be more forgivable because if you don’t have an allergy it’s easy to think “oh of course there’s no nuts in this”
DH has an anaphylactic allergy to nuts and sesame and it can be hard getting people to understand. I’m shocked at your mum though! Her daughter having a medical emergency 3weeks ago and she forgets!

I'm so sorry that family aren't taking your allergy seriously. This is a training video we use in schools where I live. We're in Canada but the message is the same and, if they are willing to take 10 minutes to watch, might help your family understand the seriousness of allergy awareness. Caroline was a young girl in our local area who died after a reaction. Her family have worked tirelessly to educate regarding allergy awareness.

YANBU but I have a family member who had the exact same experience - has been eating peanuts all his life and suddenly became allergic to them.
I would never want to hurt this person but honestly at the beginning I used to forget all of the time it was strange. I didn’t cook for them but I’d buy a pack of snickers or peanut butter and offer them some. I think it’s because it was a new thing that I used to forget and now that I’m used to it I’m really embarrassed about forgetting all of the time.

You might find more people in a similar situation, I read a recent report that allergies have increased in people that have had covid. It seems the virus has messed up peoples immune systems

I totally understand. Recently one of my children has developed an allergic reaction (anaphylaxis) to sesame and chickpeas, I was really shocked that the food tech teachers didn't seem take it that seriously. Told the teachers about the allergy, they then decided to make 3 different dishes containing chickpeas, so I found him an alternative ingredient to use and he was given a hard time about it. To avoid contamination / reaction my child couldn't wash up other students dirty utensils and bowls during those lessons and again was given a hard time about that by the teachers.

Is your mum otherwise well? Is she generally forgetful? I can only think maybe she somehow got muddled and now thinks "peanuts" every time she thinks of food and you.

Otherwise I'd remember my own child's allergies.

@earthyfire

I totally understand. Recently one of my children has developed an allergic reaction (anaphylaxis) to sesame and chickpeas, I was really shocked that the food tech teachers didn't seem take it that seriously. Told the teachers about the allergy, they then decided to make 3 different dishes containing chickpeas, so I found him an alternative ingredient to use and he was given a hard time about it. To avoid contamination / reaction my child couldn't wash up other students dirty utensils and bowls during those lessons and again was given a hard time about that by the teachers.

That is shocking. Did you complain?!

Op,your family aren't being forgetful, they're being careless, irresponsible and uncaring, dangerously so.

I'm stunned that they have responded in this way even after seeing you with the after effects.

My toddler daughter has several allergies and everyone in real life is so incredibly cautious with her.

On MN, I did come across someone saying that people with "allergies" are trying to be "cool" which pissed me off no end. So it's not just your family who aren't aware of the importance of food allergies.

Can you send them some media links to Natasha, the poor girl who died from anaphylaxis following the Pret sandwich? Or the poor boy who died at school after he had cheese thrown in his face?

@earthyfire that's awful! I'd be contacting the headteacher and suggesting some training.

My son has a food allergy and carries and epipen. He also has a medical certificate which details what to do / when to call 999 in big fucking red letters.

Ask your allergist for a copy and give it to friends and family that you socialise and eat with. They may realise how serious it is.

Hope you manage to navigate the world peanut-free 🥰

Don't shop at Lidl. They have nut bins with loose nuts in. Not sure about peanuts but definitely either cashew or pistachio. Don't risk finding out the hard way.

images.app.goo.gl/Xzq2wcMn5uW3oXUr8

I can get your friend, in that I had no idea Five Guys used peanut oil - but to actually buy peanuts is just insane. Think I’d be tempted to frame large pics of myself in hospital and give one to each of them.

Five guys here in America have free peanuts in the shell and fry with peanut oil-they have signs on the door about that as well. Your partner and mother are fucking ignorant

Have you got yourself a medical ID bracelet or necklace?

In my family it took everyone about 6 months to really get it and remember. Some were quicker than others.

Have you seen an specialist allergist? Have they ruled out the rest of the pea family being triggers for you? A peanut is a pea, not a nut.

It really is worth trying to understand if you have a contact allergy or an ingestion allergy. It makes a huge difference to how you manage your life and those around you. My DS has an ingestion allergy to peanuts, he has to swallow them to react. His friend has a contact allergy (which means that he would also have ingestion reaction too). If he touches peanuts he reacts. Its far more involved managing a contact allergy as you have to be extremely careful about smears, shared chopping boards, kissing, shared toothpaste, contaminated butter from toast spreading etc….

I hope you can get a workable plan in place that your DP and family will stick to. Until you know if you have / dont have contact allergy, if your DP is still eating peanuts, be very careful about kissing him

Honestly this sounds so familiar. Welcome to allergies! It will take time for people to adjust and even then, some people will treat it like an inconvenient choice. I have a severe allergy to crustaceans and have a blanket no fish approach in our house. Husband never eats fish as I find it really triggering. The few times he has eaten sushi I’ve insisted on a full scale deep clean, shower, teeth brushed etc. Honestly some people just don’t understand the seriousness; my family still have a birthday meal every year at a fish restaurant and don’t understand why I skip it. I try to understand that they just don’t have the same level of anxiety as me! Set boundaries. Make them very clear to anyone visiting. I also gave everyone close to me a demo on how to use my epi pen which terrified them and made them understand a little better how serious it can be!

You have my sympathy OP. My son has a variety of allergies and even though they were diagnosed when he was quite young and haven't changed significantly in the last 12 years, there are still close family members who "forget". The most extreme event was when we were at a relatives house when he was still too young (and trusting) to ask about ingredients himself. DH and I carried the dinner plates out to the kitchen and came back in to see him about to tuck into a piece of pecan and toffee pavlova, with ice cream. He's allergic to egg, dairy and nuts. To say I lost my shit would be putting it mildly.
My MIL once denied that the lasagne she had made was made from egg pasta. We didn't believe her,and DH actually dug through the bin to find the wrapper. We were right. FIL "doesn't believe" in allergies and thinks it's a fad, much as he doesn't believe in asthma because "nobody had one of these bloody inhalers when I was a kid". No, that would be because they weren't invented then, but let's not let the facts get in the way of a good opinion. It's a nightmare.
Unfortunately I think there is a bit of a fad for blaming food intolerances for all kinds of things, using totally unscientific diagnostic methods. This does make things harder for those of us dealing with real allergies as lots of people can't differentiate between the two. All I can suggest is that you just keep making it clear, as many times as you need to until people get the message. Most of them will eventually and you may have to avoid those who don't/won't. Good luck.

Five Guys cooks in peanut oil? That’s stupid, loads of people have peanut allergies.
Your friends and family are idiots.

Five guys has open sacks of peanuts everywhere. You don't want to go near the place it you have a peanut allergy!

Thanks for the heads up.

I really feel for you op.

When DS was diagnosed (after anaphylaxis at 6 months old) certain relatives (all in-laws) seemed convinced it was fake or that exposure would cure it. Every time they got near DS they seemed to find it funny to try and expose him to it. It's a weird and inexplicable response to me, but it was absolutely how they reacted to his diagnosis. And then they wondered why I was stressed around them and implied I was highly strung...

I was with my niece when she took a reaction to unexpected peanuts..l don't want to live through that again. Your family are crazy. You could have died if that ambulance hadn't come quickly. You would think your mother would be traumatised and on red alert. Its nearly like saying to a kid..don't step on the grass and they step on the grass.
DON'T BRING PEANUTS..I MIGHT DIE!!! And they bring peanuts. Words fail me!!
I hope they cop on soon.

I've been allergic to milk all my life. My DM still offers me with a cheese sandwich or milk chocolate every time I see her.

You are definitely not overreacting but you will have to remind people and check labels forever.

I also developed a severe allergy with anaphylaxis in adulthood, huge sympathies Littlehaven

This book is really good:

'The Reluctant Allergy Expert: How to kill the fear that anaphylaxis could kill you' by Ruth Holroyd.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1912798166/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ZD0GG4BCTVF76AC129ZA?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I have had an anaphylactic allergy to tree nuts since I was a child, got really serious in my twenties, I am now sixty years old.

I accept that when I was younger no-one really understood.

There's been plenty of publicity over the last few decades, but I still have life-long friends forget, I still have to ask people with whom I have gone for dinner to not order the thing with nuts.

My late DH was careful for me, he had witnessed one attack and understood.

It's sadly true that you have to responsible for yourself, however horrible people are about you making 'a fuss'

It’s probably because it’s a recent change for you, so they’re not used to accommodating the allergy when they see you. Going forward, you need to be very blunt with them. Message them before they come over reminding them that no peanut items are allowed etc.