Ask him to do HIV test, aibu?

[Strawberriesontoast]

A couple of years ago I left my husband after discovering he'd been seeing prostitutes.
It was a scary time for me health wise as I was terrified of having contracted a disease or infection because of it.
Thankfully I got myself tested for everything including HIV and got the all clear.
I've met a wonderful new man and I'd like him to be tested before I get intimate with him. I know I'll probably get flamed by people saying just ask him if he has anything, or you should just trust him if you love him etc but, with my near miss in the past, I'm not prepared to just take someone's word for it. Anyone can.lie about their status and history, id need proof.
How do I broach this?

I would examine like you have here and offer to get fresh tests yourself too

Explain

You can ask him to get a STI check but surely in a new relationship, regardless of the test, you’d expect him to use protection anyway.

Make it a joint thing. No sex until both of you are tested. Then its not personal, its just how you do safe sex.

Why are you only worried about HIV?

Unless your new partner is a virgin I would agree it's totally sensible for both of you to have STI tests before having unprotected sex, for mutual reassurance.

If you are not prepared to take the risk, then there is nothing else for it but to ask and offer to reciprocate.

I've always lived by "tests before no barrier sex". It's a given.

Id be astounded if anyone recommended taking his word.

Just tell him you won't ditch condoms without doing a full sti test including hiv and you could go together to a clinic if he wants.

And im not trying to be a cow and trying to get a dig in but you dont HAVE to stop using condoms just because thats his preference.

My DP and I went to the clinic together before we had unprotected sex.

No big deal.

Also its expected to test before ditching barrier protection. Its not rude or insinuating that someone is 'dirty', its just basic self health care.

It's a part of consent- you can tell him you don't want to have sex with him until you've both been tested. If he reacts badly you'll know he's not right for you. I wouldn't be offended if a new partner asked me to get tested before sleeping with them.

Asking a new partner to get an STI test is a totally normal thing to do. It has to go both ways though - you both need to do it.

Say you think you should both get tests. It's responsible to get tested for all STIs before having sex

Now DH and I both had full STD checks before having no barrier sex together… just sensible IMO.

I've just had that conversation with my partner, I just said that we should both get tested before ditching the condoms. He was fine with it

STI testing has never been quicker and easier - you can order free home testing kits online, they arrive in the post, you do your samples, post them back and a couple of days later they text or email your results. Just tell him that you’d like both of you to do a test before you stop using condoms. It should be seen as perfectly normal - testing isn’t just for people who have loads of sexual partners, if you’ve ever had sex with one person then you could have an infection. Testing should be normalised.

I'm glad, he sounds like a responsible chap. Good luck.

Ive always used condoms in new relationships until we both got tested.

Sorry to hear of your previous experience OP. I totally agree with Comtesse that testing should be normalised

Taking into account the following:

1. window periods where a negative test will only show a screenshot of a previous timeframe eg gonorrhoeal can take up to 3 months to show on a test
2. many people don’t feel they’ve been put at risk of contracting an STI 3) the fact that approximately 5,000 people are living unknowingly with HIV in the U.K.
3. plus there’s also trust from experience I’d expect both myself and any partner to test for STIs, usually via a free postal test. In my case I’d probably also take any partner into clinic for a chat with my nurse to reassure him that I’m no risk to him.

Tell him you had a near miss and would like to get you both a full STI check.

It's perfectly normal and acceptable to get a full STI screening at the start of a new relationship (you should both do it). HIV is very low prevalence in the UK (I work in sexual health), but other things like chlamydia or herpes are very common. If you are a sexually active adult woman, you almost certainly already have HPV as most women do get it at some point. But yes, totally reasonable to both decide to get tested. Most testing is done at home now (using self-sampling kits which you send off for your results, including blood tests for HIV), but you can also get an HIV self-test (from Amazon, for example) that you can do then and there and get results in minutes. But a full sexual health check for both of you is a wise thing.

I asked my boyfriend when I was 21 to do one, it's just sensible surely? Show him your results or say you're happy to have the tests done at the same time. It's just sensible and anyone that takes offence probably isn't going to be worth it anyway.

Both of you get a full STI check after 3 months of being official (3 months because of HIV window phase). Before you both get an ‘all clear’, including test results that you show each other, you use full protection.
That’s how I have always done it and luckily so far never caught anything.

I think you are being paranoid, hiv it's very unlikely as a heterosexual male you would have hiv, unless you are a former drug addict that shared needles.

But you could explain the problems that you had in the past if you really want him to get tested.

I don't see any issues - it's what I do when entering a commitment relationship when we want to stop using condoms. Both are tested and share results. Full testing panel.