Going out with two kids by myself - hard work

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

OH works a lot of weekends and I am finding it really hard entertaining DD 4yrs and DS 18 months by myself, feels like we spend so much time at home now and its rubbish and making me feel like a rubbish mum. It was SO much easier with one child! We used to be out constantly whereas now I have two to consider, I’m completely out of my depth.
DS is a real live wire who runs like the wind, climbs on everything, is extremely vocal about anything not to his liking, I adore him but I do find him exhausting. When we go to the playground it turns into me running after him to keep him safe and poor DD just has to follow, it never feels much fun for her and I find it stressful. On rainy days like today I literally don’t know what to do. Soft play feels risky as I wouldn’t be able to have an eye on them both as they run in different directions (or again DD would end up just having to follow her little brother around rather than actually having fun).
As mentioned OH works alot of weekends, have no family to join us and help keep an eye on one of them while I’m with the other, and although I do have some lovely friends they have their own very young kids to supervise so they’re not really able to help either, when we meet up we barely actually talk anyway as we are constantly running off after our kids.
I try to balance it so DD gets to have fun by carving out some one on one time for a couple of hours each weekend (if OH isn’t working) to either meet one of her friends at the playground or do a fun activity just the two of us, like going to a ceramic painting cafe etc.
It’s really getting me down, I feel guilty that I’m not DOING enough with them, I’m bored and restless at home but going out with them alone becomes really stressful and as mentioned not much fun for anyone, and I feel ridiculous and embarrassed because I often see other mums with several children who seem to be managing fine.
Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any tips? Am I basically jus incompetent?

Don't feel guilty. This is totally normal. I could not take mine out alone when mine were younger! It's difficult ages and will get easier. The fact you are stressing about this means you are enough.

Even if you do out and your younger one has to follow you and your oldest around, don't feel guilty. It really doesn't matter at that age. My son was similar at 4 and made it harder with my youngest but it will get easier!

There's lots of fun to be had at home. Do you have a garden?

When you say your oh works weekends. When he's home are you not able to go out for a walk altogether? I know if he's had a day at work but even if it's just a half hour walk to burn off some energy.

Soft play is your friend as they might go off in different directions but they will be contained! During the winter months when mine were your ages we went a lot.

Never had a problem with mine - same ages and issues as yours.

Do you not have parks where the DC are sort of fenced into the play area, so if DS bolts, he can't really get anywhere?

If not, can you use reins? probably showing my age here but they were bloody useful when you have a bolter.

Take them to soft play. They will both enjoy it.

Is your partner self employed or does he do shift work?

I am sure you will get some responses that say ‘don’t be ridiculous, I had 10 under 10 and did fine’ but many of us had your experience. At 5 and 3 now, I find days out mostly enjoyable and they feel less like the ordeal you describe. Try to find things that feel doable like short walks or specific parks, but whatever you do don’t beat yourself up as I’m sure you’re doing great with what is a full on stage of development.

You don’t need to have an eye on both of them at the same time at soft play! Go, let the 4 year old go off and have fun and watch the 18monyh old. They’re contained, it’s fine.

I'm the same, except with three. I've got four kids, but one is a teenager. My three youngest are hard work. One is autistic and will start screaming/ crying if she doesn't get what she wants instantly. Even when they're all being good I find it stressful cos I'm constantly on alert watching what they're doing. If we go the park, one will want to do one thing, one will want to do another and its stressful. It's not bad if they can all just be kept to the same area or I've got their dad with me.

Stop being a helicopter parent with the 4 year old. There is no reason to be running after him in the park/soft play (it's bonkers to be running after a 4year old in soft play u do realise right?). He is gonna be going school next year (if not going already) noone is gonna be running after him there.
He is gonna have a hard time if he hasn't developed some independence

Hmm I’m not sure I agree about not supervising the 4 year old at soft play. But not mainly for his own safety but the other kids. There are a lot of other 2/3/4 year olds at soft play and there is always at least one usually 4/5 year old boy who is charging about unsupervised and knocking the younger ones over, at that age they get over excited but can’t channel it and run around without also watching out for other kids. I think you’re right to watch him and they need a lot of reminding to be careful of others/not launch themselves off high things. They can still hurt themselves.

I personally would find it really tough to entertain two of that age by myself for whole weekends at a time. When you’re at home can you try having a structure to the day like a childminder would? Eg specific times for free play, snack, garden time, story time etc. That can make it feel like less of a long stretch.

When you go out I would maybe try to mix “fun” things like the park with other necessary things like a supermarket or post office trip. You can give your eldest a list of things to get or get them to help you if he doesn’t run off. If he does then reins may be a good idea.

Take them somewhere small enough that the 4 yr old can go do their own thing, but still be in your sight. And then let them get on with it. Fenced in park or softplay are both great ideas.

I guess I'm one of those parents.... we have 3 with two years apart. Middle child is severely disabled and in a wheelchair...we used to go out...parks, soft play...it was hectic!!! Now they are 10, 12 and 14..... Dont know how I did it..but I did ..actually miss it now !!!

I have a similar age gap although they are older now. My dp also works shifts and weekends so often it's just the 3 of us. It was tough for a while.

I would find a couple of enclosed playparks and Softplay areas that you know your children are safe and have the freedom to roam but can't leave. Your eldest shouldn't have to follow you round the park or softplay, just let them go and play!

I found swimming good because I could put the youngest in a float and he'd just splash around with us both. Changing was a pain. But afterwards we'd go to the Softplay in the leisure centre (small with a locked door!) and I'd have a coffee. Home for nap and TV time.

It gets easier with practice
Take everything you need including food with you in the buggy.
I favour forests, country parks etc

Plus if you are going out to soft play, you can put them in the brightest coloured clothes they own, so they are easy to spot.

I was alone most weekends as well when mine were that age . I found a trip to the library and the park helped on Saturday mornings.

Have a picnic or a carpet picnic when you get home.

Stick DS in bed then do some craft or baking with DD.

When DS gets up, snack and drink then a walk. But that time it should be time to start thinking of what to have for tea.

If you have any Friends who are single parents, they might want to meet up for coffee, soft play or a walk around the park.

Agree with getting reins as well.

Is there some reason 4 year old needs close supervision? Of my 3, one needed close supervision at that age, for the other 2 at 4 they would have been running round soft play or a small playground area with just a general eye kept on them, while I closely supervised their Autistic brother. 4 years and up rarely see parents supervising them closely at soft play.

Agree fenced in play area at the park. Let the 4 to do her thing. You can keep an eye on her without following every footstep. If the 18 month can't be contained use reins or strap in buggy for 5-10 minute periods to concentrate on DD. Take snacks and toys to entertain whilst in buggy and if he kicks off, tough.

Put your toddler in reins. DS2 was a bolter until 3 - reins were essential for us.

It gets easier. I hated much of the time when my two were very young, I had two under two and the eldest was a bolter too. We could only go to fenced playgrounds, I had to use a carrier for the youngest so I could run after him. Unless you’ve experienced a bolter, you can’t really relate. A stranger grabbed my son by the scruff of the neck to stop him going into traffic once, and I was right there beside him, he was just so fast.
Just to reassure that it is indeed very difficult and horrible, you’re not doing anything wrong, and it does get better, I promise. I suddenly realised that when he was 3, he had stopped running away. He just grew out of it. And we could have lovely times together. It will pass!

Does your 18months old still nap? Mine had stopped at that aged but when they did I would walk in the woods with older child as younger slept (on my back but assume it would work the same in a buggy!) get to playpark/nice trees & snack/play both. Older gets more exercise & time with you.

Personally I hate soft play so wet day would mean swimming or a welly walk (puddle jumping), or all the usual things in waterproofs (makes slides really fast ).

Take them to feed the ducks/bring birdseed so they can set up squirrel feasts on tree stumps.

Scavenger hunts would work for both too.

I think you need to stop comparing what your younger gets with what your older got as an only child - your younger is also getting things the older never did like the love on an older sibling, inherited toys, experienced parents etc

You might find some rhythm/flow to your day would help too not a strict structure but before breakfast we play in the sitting room then after breakfast we get dressed & do something with mummy (outside or stories or craft etc), we play ourselves before lunch then lunch together etc etc kids like to know what's coming - 4 yr old might like a plan of the day in pictures.

Be kinder to yourself

Oh yes and my parents in law used reins too. It was disguised as a monkey backpack but that’s what they were. They couldn’t have taken him at all otherwise, it was too dangerous. I never thought I’d use them but it’s better than the alternative!

Soft play, stick to the youngest, oldest will be fine

It is hard, but I always found soft play awful, it’s loud, overheated, and as MovingShmoving said, there,s always some slightly bigger over excited boy running around knocking into smaller kids. Plus it’s backbreaking with a toddler! I tried to avoid those places, I found them very stressful.

On a cold wet day, you can still do a walk in the park or woods, or find fun sessions at a library. Maybe you could find something DD like dance/ drama groups and then you just have the little one to entertain? It depends what’s near you- we had a library next to the pool where older DS had swimming lessons so I used to pop in there with the younger ones. My toddler boys liked watching trains come in, so we’ d walk to a place where we could do that for 5 or 10 minutes. Local pet shops can be fun, especially big ones .
If all else failed and I was getting really stressed I’d put them in the bath for a play.
It is tricky to manage that age difference and it sounds like you are doing a good job.

I agree with @mayblossominapril comment, it does get easier with practice. I have similar age gap. I take a lot of food in a bag so they don't get hungry/thirsty and go somewhere contained (NT/forest park/playground etc) but I know the car is nearby if things get too much or there's a huge meltdown. Alternatively take them to big sainsbury and a little treat in the cafe if the weather is awful! 4 year old should be ok in soft play too to run off a bit. Just focus on the younger one & check in regularly with 4 year old.

I went to indoor places like the science centre and aquarium a lot (had annual memberships) as they had kids play areas and story time. Also the book shop as it had Thomas wooden railway set up.

Mine are 2 years apart and the elder is autistic so yes it was challenging! I used a double buggy right up until dd1 was 4.5 and it broke, and reins on occasion afterwards (usually dd2 walking on reins and dd1 in buggy as it was less hassle). I went out every day as being in the house did my head in.

A big garden centre is another good place - one which has an aquarium section with fish is great. Some have pets as well. They often put on special displays/events for Halloween, Christmas etc. Some have small play areas and usually a cafe. Great places to toddle around on reins.