Going out with two kids by myself - hard work

[Toomuchtooyoung01]

OH works a lot of weekends and I am finding it really hard entertaining DD 4yrs and DS 18 months by myself, feels like we spend so much time at home now and its rubbish and making me feel like a rubbish mum. It was SO much easier with one child! We used to be out constantly whereas now I have two to consider, I’m completely out of my depth.
DS is a real live wire who runs like the wind, climbs on everything, is extremely vocal about anything not to his liking, I adore him but I do find him exhausting. When we go to the playground it turns into me running after him to keep him safe and poor DD just has to follow, it never feels much fun for her and I find it stressful. On rainy days like today I literally don’t know what to do. Soft play feels risky as I wouldn’t be able to have an eye on them both as they run in different directions (or again DD would end up just having to follow her little brother around rather than actually having fun).
As mentioned OH works alot of weekends, have no family to join us and help keep an eye on one of them while I’m with the other, and although I do have some lovely friends they have their own very young kids to supervise so they’re not really able to help either, when we meet up we barely actually talk anyway as we are constantly running off after our kids.
I try to balance it so DD gets to have fun by carving out some one on one time for a couple of hours each weekend (if OH isn’t working) to either meet one of her friends at the playground or do a fun activity just the two of us, like going to a ceramic painting cafe etc.
It’s really getting me down, I feel guilty that I’m not DOING enough with them, I’m bored and restless at home but going out with them alone becomes really stressful and as mentioned not much fun for anyone, and I feel ridiculous and embarrassed because I often see other mums with several children who seem to be managing fine.
Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any tips? Am I basically jus incompetent?

Why is he bolting at 4? I’d try to nip that behaviour in the bud. He’s old enough to understand the dangers of running away or climbing things without permission. Have you tried punishments for running off/not listening eg star charts and removal of privileges?

Can you take DD to the playground when 4 year old is in school/nursery?

I agree with others about enclosed play centres so you don’t have to watch both. A 4 year old is normally fully capable of running around softplay without help.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

You have the children the wrong way round. The DD is 4 and the DS is the 18 month old bolter. The 4yo tends to follow mum, whilst mum deals with the little one.

I had a similar age gap between DC1 and DC2 (DC2 was an off the scale wild child as well). I encouraged DC1 to be independent - within reason - so he'd go off in softplay or on the park enclosed

We used to do lots of walks too, older child liked the nature aspect of it (I'd send him off to find conkers or different leaves in the woods or we'd try and spot animals along the canal etc) all the while I'd be walking the toddler, in the hope she'd sleep (she dropped her nap very young)

Things just got manageable when they were 5 and 3 and then I had DC3

People aren’t reading - the 4yo dd is not the bolter, or particularly boisterous it’s the 18 month old. I would do soft play and let the 4yo do her own thing, a smaller play park where you can always see her, likewise. Reins for the 18mo so you can do things like go round a garden centre. It’s bloody hard, but they will get bigger.

I have 4 children and I’m a single parent so only ever take them out alone, it’s hard work but you just have to get on with it when there is no other option. Weekends and holidays they have to come everywhere with me.

This is pretty normal, I'd say, but there are ways to learn to manage it. Not every child is the same but a really active 18 month old is tiring at the best of times, and divided attention isn't easy. I am pretty sure I have permanent brain degeneration caused by the period when I had my attention constantly divided in three directions.

You are on the right track finding places you can more or less let them run free. I would go to soft play and not feel like you need to constantly keep an eye on your daughter, at 4 she should be able to play without that kind of supervision. She wouldn't have that at nursery or school.

You also may be able to just watch your son rather than follow him around, my observation of parents at these kinds of places is that many worry too much about managing their child in arms reach when they could just be watching them.

Kids don't necessarily need as much "entertainment" as people think. I would work on tiring out your son as much as you can. Playgrounds, sure, and your dd is likely fine to play along with you. But also hiking can be good, running around a field, looking for frogs, climbing stairs, going to the beach and building a big sand castle, whatever.

Having the right outdoor wear can help, if you can afford it, Rain boots and good rain jackets or suits for kids, warm things for the winter. Also consider investing in some sort of reins for your son. Lots of people don't like them but if they mean you can get out it is better, and I think kids prefer the freedom of being able to walk themselves rather than having to be strapped in a stroller, which no one cares about.

You'll likely find that he gets more manageable in a year or so and your dd will be easier as well.

For indoor things, some building blocks are good, playdough - most kids like to make it themselves, baking, reading stories - but you don't need to do it all the time. Plan to do a few things with them on a day at home but they can play themselves in between. It will take them some practice if they are in nursery all week, it's a skill, but adults don't need to entertain kids all day.

Same ages and I feel the same way!!! Soft play is ok because 4 year old pretty much finds a mate and I know she is contained so don’t have to have constant watch. But when partner is working weekends 3 out of 5, it’s not really at an enjoyable stage.

Do what you can, don’t feel guilty and as each month goes by i think it gets a smidge easier.

@SandraGreen

Never had a problem with mine - same ages and issues as yours.

Do you not have parks where the DC are sort of fenced into the play area, so if DS bolts, he can't really get anywhere?

If not, can you use reins? probably showing my age here but they were bloody useful when you have a bolter.

I was going to say this! Reins are out of fashion nowadays but they were so useful when you had a runner!! I had a set for dd that were in the shape of an animal backpack with a kind of lead on them. She chose the ‘backpack’ herself and loved to wear it so it was win win.

It’s hard. I was a sahm at that stage so that was my life every day and it’s pretty tedious to be honest

For me personally the things that worked were double buggy (older one was the crazy one and needed to be able to be contained). Going to fenced in playground or soft play where I knew that the older one could run free and not escape and I could keep an eye of course, but mostly follow the little one about

Meeting up with friends helped my sanity as the kids would play together and at least I’d have a semi adult conversation between toddler chasing. Also just another set of adult eyes helped a lot.

Mine are 4 and 6 now and it’s a whole different world.

Aah OP I remember this feeling whe. My OH was working abroad and I had a 4yo and 9mo for a couple of years to looks after. Weekends were the worst. My advice for getting through it would be to always aim to get out in the morning, soft play or park, or even a trip to the shops and get your 4yo to pick fruit to base fruit kebabs with at home. Or pack a small picnic to go for a short walk and have brunch (this is very weather dependent). Afternoons do nap/quiet time where 4yo has to play quietly or read in his room. Toys like Lego are great for this. Movie afterwards then dinner, play, bath, bed. Once a month pay for a babysitter if you afford to and take an afternoon to yourself x

What do you during the week? Your situation doesn’t sound at all unusual to me. Pretty common to have a 2.5 year age gap. I don’t think being on your own is a big deal at all!

That sounds hard. I don't like taking my 18mo out alone

I have a 13 year old and going out and about was absolutely fine but she was a different species of child entirely...

See when I read posts like this I think I must be a lazy fuck. I have four between 18 months and 9 years and I honestly wouldn't follow them around soft play. 18 month old I'd keep an eye on in the toddler area but the others can crack on. And at the park nobody is being followed! I'll push swings but that's it.
I'm not saying you should do it my way at all. I think I probably need to be more helicopter-y and you slightly less we can never win.

Hi OP

I felt like you until mine were around 2.5 and 5 for it to be tolerable, and maybe another 6 months before I actually had some days out that were fun. Now they are 3.5 and 6 and honestly it's so much easier, no planning and taking buggies and working around naps or different preferences, we can actually go out for a meal and not have to take bibs, worry about high chairs and remembering a sippy cup, they can go on a lot of things at the park by themselves etc, we can all go on our bikes or scooters together etc
I dont have any advice other than to say you're not the only one! I put my eldest in nursery when I was on mat leave, could you out your eldest in a bit more so you arent pulled in as many directions? Are there any play groups or anything locally that will do sessions for siblings with mixed ages? I always found hanging round with friends with kids of similar ages made things so much easier as the older ones could entertain themselves while we stopped the little ones destroying themselves and everything else

At 4 he's old enough to start following instructions. Is he at school now? They will expect all children of that age to stop and listen when told.

You can practice the Stop Go game with him. He runs around and when you say Stop he stops. Give him lots of praise, have a sticker chart, work towards a special treat for him for following instructions.

Also, get him to slow down a bit if he's getting out of control. Get him to come and sit with you and read a chapter of a book to him or listen to whale music, play I Spy, whatever settles him best.

Remind him of the playing rules. Be safe, look where you're going, listen to adults. That sort of thing.

I have 2 boys 2years apart. Eldest was an excitable runner so I was used to chasing after a toddler. Two running in opposite directions was fun. You just have to find what works for yours.
I would only go to soft play mid week and then you practically have the place to yourself. We stuck to parks, woods, and walks with an objective that started uphill and finished downhill. Find a playground with a fence around it.
I look back on those days fondly but they were hard work at the time.

I don't understand why the 4 year old has to run alongside you, running after the toddler?

Why cant the four year old go off play themselves, a few yards away at soft play/fenced in playground? Then you can supervise the toddler?
Also reins, for your ds

Very tough ages. I used to put mine in the bath in the afternoon and just supervise them if I was desperate for a break. Or put rice in huge bowls and give them cups to scoop and pour. Also massively dropped any expectation of having a tidy house. And CBeebies. We watched a lot of CBeebies.

Hi OP,
Soft plays are fine to let your 4 yr old run around and keep coming back to find out you whilst you stay with the little one - keep to the small ones!
The best approach for you in your situation is getting membership passes to a few of your local wildlife parks / petting farms etc and taking them say every Sunday afternoon - like a little weekend routine when your OH is working - this is what I do with my kids. If you can get a carry back pack for your youngest and just put them on your back whilst your walking about even better! Xxx