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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he stupid or selfish?

52 replies

Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 09:00

Really really hard week with toddler Dd, 3, Dp knows this. On two of the nights he went to a friends until 1 am, I’ve barely slept and Dd is going through a very difficult phase.
This morning she wakes at 7, he gets up, goes down to the toilet, is sat on the computer and doesn’t come to get her. I’m drifting in and out of sleep, she’s talking and talking, so I bring her down at 8.30 and start doing her breakfast. He comes in and I say to him that he was awake anyway, why couldn’t he come to get her. He goes mad about me coming down in a bad mood! Why couldn’t he come and get her if he was up?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Mamamia7962 · 25/09/2021 09:22

Agree with what Ambo has said.

Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 09:41

@Blinkingheckythump I’m not in the U.K., no free hours, we have to pay for nursery/pre school
Once I was up and awake and making her breakfast, no point in going back to bed.

The thing is, he went mad saying I’d come down in a bad mood and that he was going to do the breakfast, he had the eggs out etc, I saw that. So..come and get her?! He can hear her and clearly knows she’s awake. He’s done this before and knows I go mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 09:43

@Ambo21 I’ve had to discuss with him before and said we have one morning each. Thing is, he’s not that bothered anyway as he’s an early riser. After doing it with her all week, I’d love a lie in, or even just to lie there with a couple of hours peace!

OP posts:
Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 09:45

@Ambo21 He’d never wake me with a cup of coffee 🤣

OP posts:
Briony123 · 25/09/2021 09:46

[quote Floogalsagain]@Mamamia7962 Not quite yet, the stairs are steep so I take her down[/quote]
A 3 year old should be free to roam without having to be accompanied down the stairs. My daughter started in reception a week after she turned 4.
Send her downstairs to see Daddy. Morning's should be their bonding time if he doesn't need to sleep in.

Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 09:47

@Briony123 She’s free to roam but is accompanied, they’re steep and made of stone

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GoWalkabout · 25/09/2021 09:51

Ok its not nice to be grumbled at first thing in the morning but we all do that when we are tired. It seems like it was extremely reasonable to think it was 'his turn' but maybe better to agree a schedule in advance. Don't back down op, back up your argument.

Lweji · 25/09/2021 09:52

If he's an early riser, then agree that both mornings he deals with her, particularly because you're the one waking up in the night.
It seems fair to me.

I suppose that when we are upset is not a good time to talk about things, even though you're perfectly reasonable, and he was wrong.

Have a chat with him, presenting your arguments.
If he keeps doing the same thing or lashes out at you, then I think you may need to rethink the relationship.

Dragon50 · 25/09/2021 09:53

We take turns for lie-ins, but even if it’s ’your turn’, if for whatever reason you’re up early we get the toddler so the other can sleep.

Have a chat, if it’s been this way for 3 years then maybe he thought this was ok?

If he isn’t receptive then he’s a shit basically.

Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 09:55

@Dragon50 He’s always been rubbish about it. He’d always take forever and she’d be saying she wanted to go down, in the end, she started to shout him and he’d come and get her. Often spends ages on the toilet in the morning, by the time he does come and get her, she’s been up for ages, it’s pointless

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LastGirlSanding · 25/09/2021 10:07

Sounds like mornings for him are ‘his time’ which is understandable to an extent - a lot of is like time to ourselves in the morning. What is absolutely not on is that he is selfishly taking all this time for himself and preventing you from also having some time for yourself. He’s not stupid though is he as this strategy has worked for him for three years. Including the being ages on the toilet thing.

I also think you need to put your foot down about splitting the weekend. Agree a day and stick to it every week even if you are up and awake - stay in bed anyway to build up that habit.

Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 10:50

@LastGirlSanding I have to get up if he doesn’t come up, because she’s hungry and needs to get up.
I just don’t get why he had all the breakfast out and ready to make, but has to wait for me to get up too? 🤷🏻‍♀️Why not just come and get her. I don’t mind making breakfast once I’m up, he seems to think it’s about making the breakfast, for me it’s just having one day when I don’t have to get up with her, just one day

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Dragon50 · 25/09/2021 10:54

Laziness, doesn’t see fatherhood as his job, doesn’t give a shit about you both.

Maybe he just needs some space, but if that was the case he would want you to take turns.

Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 11:00

@Dragon50 I’ve talked to him before about maybe splitting some weekends, so he for example takes her out for four hours or just plays with her for that time whilst I do something and the same for him. That way, we both get time..he always poo poos it

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LastGirlSanding · 25/09/2021 11:08

I dunno @Floogalsagain, I feel like you’re looking for a deeper meaning as to why he isn’t doing these things beyond he just doesn’t want to and knows if he doesn’t do it you will. Because really that’s what it comes down to and if he’s poo pooed splitting the weekend I think that’s an illustration of it. At the end of the day, you’ve had loads of conversations with him about this and he ignores that and leaves her to you because he doesn’t want to take her and parent and would prefer you did it. Even though it is to your detriment. And also your daughter’s detriment as she doesn’t get an engaged dad who genuinely wants to spend quality time 1-1 with her. It really is that simple and disheartening, i’m sorry.

Palavah · 25/09/2021 11:11

What if you just hadn't gone to get her? He would havehad to fetch her to give her the breakfast he was making. Was she in danger?

Dragon50 · 25/09/2021 11:23

@Floogalsagain, this isn’t about the mornings then.

He is a shit dad and husband.

You need to decide how you move forward but it’s been three years so I wouldn’t expect him to change. Flowers

What was it like before you had DC? Did he do at least 50% of the house care (assuming you worked then).

WildfirePonie · 25/09/2021 12:05

Sounds like he can't be bothered and doesn't care enough.

Shame about the stairs, is there anything you can do about them? A runner up the middle to make them softer?

Original poster
Floogalsagain · 25/09/2021 13:22

@Palavah Wasn’t in danger, but was in bed next to me, talking my head off 🙈isn’t fair as she wanted to go downstairs and to have her breakfast. I came down and he was just sat there on the computer 🤷🏻‍♀️That’s when I said ‘Why didn’t you come to get her if you’re already awake?’ He’d put out the eggs and milk etc, ready to make her breakfast, so obviously was just waiting for me to get up! Why?!

OP posts:
esloquehay · 25/09/2021 13:29

@Blinkingheckythump, RTFT. OP has already clarified that she is not in England.

Lweji · 25/09/2021 14:53

From what you say, it's a case of "my wife divorced me because I didn't wash the dishes" (or something like that).
Meaning that if you're oblivious to what needs to be done, don't do it after several reminders and don't soften her load, then don't be surprised if she dumps you.

What are you getting from this relationship?
I can imagine that his approach to parenting extends to much more.
And he does it because he can, as you're out of paid work right now.
I only see it getting worse.

So, get yourself into a non-dependent position and draw your boundaries. Stick by them.

Ambo21 · 25/09/2021 19:46

It just gets better and better.. if he is not bothered about getting a long lie.. he can do BOTH mornings.. make your own coffee though!!😉

junebirthdaygirl · 25/09/2021 19:53

Could you just call him on the phone saying..Susie is awake looking for her breakfast..can you just pop up and get her. No further conversation. Hopefully he will come and you can snuggle down again.

Lweji · 25/09/2021 20:10

Good idea. I do that when I want a lie in and ask DS to feed the cat.
See how he responds.

But, making him responsible for her breakfast on weekends is a better long term solution.

Blinkingheckythump · 25/09/2021 21:25

[quote Floogalsagain]@Blinkingheckythump I’m not in the U.K., no free hours, we have to pay for nursery/pre school
Once I was up and awake and making her breakfast, no point in going back to bed.

The thing is, he went mad saying I’d come down in a bad mood and that he was going to do the breakfast, he had the eggs out etc, I saw that. So..come and get her?! He can hear her and clearly knows she’s awake. He’s done this before and knows I go mad.[/quote]
Ahhh I see, that's a shame as it's nice to have some time child free. You should have just taken her down straight to him then back to bed. Not got started with breakfast. Even if you couldn't sleep again (which I appreciate is annoying) least you could have had some chill time alone in bed