Secret Santa Woes

[SecretSantaWoes]

Name changed for fear this is outing but equally hoping assuming this is a situation others have navigated and so can offer perspective.

DH, kids and me are the poor relations on my side of the family. Both sides of the family are split up and remarried. We are the only ones with DC. Every Christmas (and birthday for that matter) my side of the family make snide remarks that the presents we get them don't cost much money. This is because we don't have much money: we are a single income family (I was really unwell a few years ago and had to give up work, my DC are very, very high needs SEN and I care for them). We are forced to live in an extremely expensive part of the country for DH's work and the DC are expensive (think specialist everything needed from car harnesses to toothbrushes that cost twice as much). My DM is very wealthy, no mortgage, lots of investments, enormous house, very lavish holidays every year (non covid). My sister is well paid, single, ludicrously expensive hobbies, lived with my DM rent free for several years to build up very healthy house deposit, currently living in low cost house share.

This year my DM suggested doing secret Santa so that we all "actually get something we want". She proposed a limit of £50 per person and we'd all buy off a list of items we said we want. The DC are not included. I agreed initially without thinking about it. When I thought about it, I really don't think we can afford it - the people involved will be me, DH, my sister, DM, DM's partner so me and DH will be paying £100 while my higher earning sister will just have to pay £50. We will then have to do the same for DH's 2 families (parents split and remarried) and buy a present for my Dad, each other and obviously give our children a Christmas as well. With all of this we're looking at a £500 Christmas that we just can't afford. I guess me and DH could choose not to give each other presents or downsize the DCs Christmas to a very small one but that doesn't feel right to me?

AIBU to say no to this Secret Santa set up? How on Earth do I deal with the inevitable shit/fallout we will get from declining?

“Actually I think adults don’t need presents. Let’s just concentrate on the DC’s shall we?”

At least that’s what happens in my family.

If you cannot afford it, don't do it. Just tell your mum its a lovely idea, but you just cannot afford the £100 so could your names be taken out of the hat. There is no way I would spend £100 on presents for people in my wider family if it meant I couldn't provide for my own children. We have a rule in our wider family that we don't buy for adults in wider family anyway, just the younger children.

Your family sound really rude and ungrateful to even comment on a present not being expensive enough for them. I wouldn’t buy them any more presents at all since it’s clearly not good enough. Opt out of the secret Santa. Do whatever is best for your family and your finances.

@MinnieMountain cross post, us too!

How can your DM be so tone deaf to not see the situation you're in?

It may be difficult, but just don't engage in this and buy something (if you're inclined to do so) that fits in with your budget. It sounds as if you're used to comments and it's not worth getting into debt for.

Can’t you just tell them what you have told us? They are your family- isn’t it better to say that things are tough financially, you can’t afford to spend that much on them at Christmas so you are opting out and will get them a small gift this year and don’t expect gifts from them in return? (Most loving families with space cash would then offer to help with the DCs expenses, or say “don’t be silly, we don’t give only to receive, what do you need for Christmas”

I agree, just decline to be involved- it will be awkward but then will become the norm & you'll be free from it next year too, and so on. Otherwise you'll be stuck doing it forever!

And we stopped buying for Adults in both our families years ago - around the time the first sister had kids. The kids choose something for their grandparents - but no other adults get presents

Suggest that you and DH are one person? Which brings it down to £50.

They are so bad mannered! They don't even appreciate the thought that you've got them a gift.
Personally I think I'd be wanting to say that although you'd like to get them a gift because you love them it is clear from comments they have made in the past that your gifts don't meet their spending standards even though they were as far as you could stretch and therefore you will spare them the annoyance of having to tolerate them, meanwhile the financial reality of your life is that the secret santa idea is breaking the budget so you will take your names out of the hat.

Whether I would actually say that I suppose depends how willing I am to lob a bomb, whether it would actually helpfully make then realise what they are doing. It's what they deserve to hear though.
I'm so sad for you that your family have so little appreciation for your position being different for theirs and no grace in being a recipient either way.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Suggest that you and DH are one person? Which brings it down to £50.

Yes say this

Other option that maybe make it cheaper overall would be to suggest you and DH have a joint gift, so therefore could as one person. In return you would buy for one person only.

You could pick something for the house or some nice food treats for over Christmas as your gift i.e wine, biscuits, cheese board.

Ha ha cross post

Yes say you are a couple so would get a joint gift and buy one in return. Would that be affordable or still more than you can afford?

The limit is £50 so I'd say you need to spend £40-£50.

Or say you're just buying for kids

Just be honest. Say you won’t be doing extended family presents or the secret Santa and why. I can’t believe they can be so rude and unappreciative.

Thanks for the replies. Yes they are bad mannered about stuff like this and it has made me feel really shit in the past. We also have to be really obsequiously grateful for gifts they get us (because they keep bringing it up/how expensive each gift is) which creates a weird power dynamic because we can't reciprocate with an equally expensive gift. One year my mum asked for a purse from me and my sister asked her what I was getting and bought a more expensive purse for mum. In fairness mum did make her return it but they both giggled about not being able to take the "horrible" purse anywhere.

I'm just going to have to suck it all up and actually tell them/suggest no adults, or like one poster said suggest me and DH are one person (£50 will probably be OK especially if we don't have to replicate the whole £100 across to the other side of the family if that makes sense)

I would say no presents at all, judging by what you have said about them the putting yourself and dh has one with just look worse and given them more nasty things to say about you. "Actually mum we have decided on no gifts this year so you go ahead with each and do secret Santa or whatever you would like but count us out" Don't even mention gifts for the dc, you are out and that's that. They sound awful so I bet you feel a huge relief between now and Christmas not stressing about it

In fairness mum did make her return it but they both giggled about not being able to take the "horrible" purse anywhere. how nasty!
I'd just say you can't afford it so they can carry on without you.

Please don't suggest only buying for dc if you're the only one who has them.
Either say things are tight so you don't want to take part at all or at a push, that your DH won't be part of it so it'll just be you involved, taking your costs down to £40-50.

If you do take part, get the present list as early as possible and shop around - you may be able to find their £50 present for a lot less somewhere.

Please don't suggest only buying for dc if you're the only one who has them. yes good point.

Yes I’d just say no presents for adults as you are financially strapped. A bit awkward to say it, but then years of no stress.

If they then decide to still give you gifts, don’t be guilted into reciprocating.

I hate this kind of must buy from a list set up. Where the fun in that? Might as well forget about it and bit things for yourself!

Anyway I'm missing the point, your family sound like nasty snobby wankers, I'm so sorry they are belittling you like this. I'd just tell them you're finding it too much pressure financially and to count you out. Spend the money on your children instead

Oh yeah, I hadn't actually thought that we'd be the only ones to benefit if we suggest just buying for DC 😬 I might never hear the end of it about how they 'financially supported' my children (yes this was really a comment from an extended family member because they gave £20 for a birthday present my DC).

I give you the perfect secret santa present for this situation...
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