Secret Santa Woes

[SecretSantaWoes]

Name changed for fear this is outing but equally hoping assuming this is a situation others have navigated and so can offer perspective.

DH, kids and me are the poor relations on my side of the family. Both sides of the family are split up and remarried. We are the only ones with DC. Every Christmas (and birthday for that matter) my side of the family make snide remarks that the presents we get them don't cost much money. This is because we don't have much money: we are a single income family (I was really unwell a few years ago and had to give up work, my DC are very, very high needs SEN and I care for them). We are forced to live in an extremely expensive part of the country for DH's work and the DC are expensive (think specialist everything needed from car harnesses to toothbrushes that cost twice as much). My DM is very wealthy, no mortgage, lots of investments, enormous house, very lavish holidays every year (non covid). My sister is well paid, single, ludicrously expensive hobbies, lived with my DM rent free for several years to build up very healthy house deposit, currently living in low cost house share.

This year my DM suggested doing secret Santa so that we all "actually get something we want". She proposed a limit of £50 per person and we'd all buy off a list of items we said we want. The DC are not included. I agreed initially without thinking about it. When I thought about it, I really don't think we can afford it - the people involved will be me, DH, my sister, DM, DM's partner so me and DH will be paying £100 while my higher earning sister will just have to pay £50. We will then have to do the same for DH's 2 families (parents split and remarried) and buy a present for my Dad, each other and obviously give our children a Christmas as well. With all of this we're looking at a £500 Christmas that we just can't afford. I guess me and DH could choose not to give each other presents or downsize the DCs Christmas to a very small one but that doesn't feel right to me?

AIBU to say no to this Secret Santa set up? How on Earth do I deal with the inevitable shit/fallout we will get from declining?

You think they should give them a Slovenian radio station???

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it. It's all very difficult because a Christmas without presents is a miserable Christmas. In a perfect world people should just give the presents they want to give which cost the money they want to spend and which they think their family, who they are supposed to love, would like.

Your family don't seem to have grasped that and have brought comparing costs into it.

Jesus your family sound awful.

ripleybelieves presume you didn't click the link. It's only a Facebook page no need to worry.

@MouseRoar

Jesus your family sound awful.

This!

Do you have to see them at Christmas at all? How bloody stressful and miserable at what is supposed to be a happy and fun time of year.

I don't think I'd worry too much about upsetting such rude, ungrateful, tone deaf people that you've described.

Your DM and sister can buy themselves whatever they want, whenever they want, instead they choose to guilt you into buying things for them, at the cost of your own DC and financial stability. That's horrible behaviour.

I would tell them you can't buy Christmas gifts except for your own DC so won't be taking part in their secret Santa charade.

Buy them a token box of biscuits if you feel you have to buy anything for them and concentrate your money on your own family Christmas. If it causes a fall out, you're better off without them by the sounds of it.

I think I'd say something about, as you always get it wrong, you'd rather save the time and money this year than give something that isn't appreciated. That way mum and sister save on buying you anything too, and can get themselves what they want.

I would just tell them we're focusing on our immediate family this year, and to tell them not to buy for us as we can't reciprocate. Then I'd seriously start to think about limiting contact with people who make you feel like shit about yourself.

It's hardly in the spirit of Christmas is it. Why don't you stop buying presents. It causes grief for you and they use it to insult you
Just buy for dh family assuming they are more gracious

Does anyone actually enjoy Secret Santa?

I only involved once, fairly recently on a big Irish forum.
Never again.. The begrudgery and nastiness; adding values up and accusations

The limit was E25/ Too much fo me cashwise but I made a lovely hand knitted [pet blanket and attached toys and treats; well over the valuation

It all fell apart due to the squabbles. My gift got to the right person and I was blessed with a great gift of assorted cat and dog treats that I would not usually buy,

But never ever again. No Chrj
istmas spirit there.

Why do you have anything to do with these people? They sound awful.

I'd give yourselves the best gift of all this Christmas : freedom from these absolute wankers.

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld I mean I find my DH's family a bit difficult in other aspects but I've got to say they're all extremely gracious at Christmas (many of them in a similarly 'poor' situation as us).

Speaking of my DH, he is always baffled by the present malarky. I grew up in a very wealthy family and so maybe it was a shock to them when I fell from the planned trajectory of being equally monied? DH came from a much poorer family where it was completely normal to have to budget and not get the best of everything.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this and they are just awful

The horrible purse thing would have ended it for me. Tell them that you are not doing adult presents any longer. If you meet up over christmas you could take a tin of chocolates or a pudding for everyone to share.

I really dont get this obsession with presents particularly not now. If you and yours have managed so far to get through this most horrible time then just being at the same table is enough.

£15 is a good amount for Secret Santa. So not buying utter crap.
£10 is good for family - I think the Royal Family do this. You can buy something fun but it's acknowledging that most people buy themselves things they want/need nowadays.

Just say no to presents this year. Say you can't afford it and it's clear that what you can afford is not what they want. Say you want to focus on spending time together as a family instead of a sham gift giving session that makes everyone unhappy.

Say their relationship with their grandchildren is up to them and if they give a gift it's got to be from the heart because they want to make the kids happy. You aren't going to teach your kids to be the kind of people who only value their grandparents for presents so you will very much support them if they choose not to give DGC presents.

Tell your sister not to bother buying for your children too if she resents it so much.

Spending the money saved directly on your dc or just starting a tradition of less and cheaper gifts.

I have 3 siblings and 5 nieces/nephews.
I have 4Dc.
Apart from buying for my parents and our parents buying for us and Dc, none of my siblings buy each other gufts and none of us by for the DC involved.
With the Dc ,we all meet up before xmas at a park/soft play center- All agree this is better than the DC getting more gifts!

Just remind your family about your situ , if they still get arsey, then tough luck!
Dont put yourself in debt

I stopped buying Christmas presents for non household years ago. I just told everyone I wasn't doing it anymore because it was just spending money for the sake of it. Just tell them you're not doing it.

@SecretSantaWoes

Thanks for the replies. Yes they are bad mannered about stuff like this and it has made me feel really shit in the past. We also have to be really obsequiously grateful for gifts they get us (because they keep bringing it up/how expensive each gift is) which creates a weird power dynamic because we can't reciprocate with an equally expensive gift. One year my mum asked for a purse from me and my sister asked her what I was getting and bought a more expensive purse for mum. In fairness mum did make her return it but they both giggled about not being able to take the "horrible" purse anywhere.

I'm just going to have to suck it all up and actually tell them/suggest no adults, or like one poster said suggest me and DH are one person (£50 will probably be OK especially if we don't have to replicate the whole £100 across to the other side of the family if that makes sense)

The purse story is so rude! I wouldn’t be buying anymore presents for these people. They are clearly obsessed with the cost of things, as opposed to the thought that went into choosing a gift for them.

Just tell them that in case they hadn’t noticed you simply don’t have spare cash to spend on lavish presents. That you have always tried to get thoughtful gifts but as they clearly aren’t appreciated, you will only be buying for the children in future, and you won’t be expecting gifts from them. If they choose to continue to buy you something that’s up to them.

Extremely rude to continue to comment on how much they spent on you..

They’re absolutely horrible OP. They’d rather see their unwell daughter and her DC go without so they can have expensive gifts - that they could buy themselves anyway - and are cruel and mocking and critical when gifts aren’t up to scratch in their opinion. Nasty.

Stop doing gifts. Don’t offer to get a couple present. Don’t go along with SS. Just knock it all on the head.

Say you don’t have space for more stuff, or you’re trying to be more environmentally friendly, or just say no and then don’t get drawn into discussing it.

Being offended by and horrible about your gifts seems to be part of their festive tradition and it needs to stop.

Just tell them you have decided not to do any presents this year and focusing instead on your dc and some specialist equipment they need.

I never understand this buying-from-a-list business. Gifts are something you think about and choose for another person because you think they’ll like them. Otherwise, all you’re doing is paying for their shopping. Not very Magic of Christmas, is it?

Your family sound awful, OP, and with their stinky attitudes, I doubt they add anything positive to your life. So cut yourself free, and choose who you spend your money and time on in the future. Leave them to wallow in their own, very strange world.

There is only one way out of this situation. Tell them you are not doing Xmas presents this year and don't expect any presents from them, that includes children.

They sound pretty bloody awful people, to be honest. I think you need to knock thoughts of ‘suggesting’ on the head and send a very clear and definite ‘No’. Even if you cut back on presents for your DC, don’t buy each other anything and scrimp and save, it is never going to be good enough for them. They’re only going to be snarky about it, so why would you put yourself through all of that?

What about texting them saying, ‘Hi all, we’ve had a rethink about the Secret Santa thing and have decided it’s simply not possible for us this year. We’ve agreed that we’re only going to be buying presents for our DC from here on, so would be grateful if you take our names out of the hat. I know you’ll understand. Hope to see you soon, love Woes’.