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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

34 replies

TurnUpTurnip · 24/09/2021 23:24

If you had an ex that didn’t see your child(ten) through their own choice (just didn’t want to, no reason for it) do you think the door should be kept open for contact or would you just block them so they can’t contact you and get on with your life (not been in contact since January)

OP posts:
Hattie765 · 24/09/2021 23:31

Block

JustLyra · 24/09/2021 23:34

I wouldn’t block. I wouldn’t chase, but I wouldn’t block.

Means they never get to try and pass the blame to you when the child asks them why they didn’t get in contact.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 23:35

If they never get in touch at all I would not block - why bother? They might have a change of heart in the future (unlikely, but why make yourself the bad guy by blocking).

If they’re one of those who have no interest in the kids but love to use your contact details as a girl of control - block.

TheChip · 24/09/2021 23:37

I wouldnt block either. I'd just leave it as it is.

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 24/09/2021 23:37

But why should they be given another chance in the further? That’s what I’m wondering, he has had multiple chances and never hangs around

OP posts:
maddening · 24/09/2021 23:40

Wouldn't block but would be cautious about any new contact.

Ponoka7 · 24/09/2021 23:41

Has he been in and out of the child's life, had contact for a few months then not bothered?

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 24/09/2021 23:41

Yes it’s not a one off. He’s been inconsistent since we split up.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/09/2021 23:42

@TurnUpTurnip

But why should they be given another chance in the further? That’s what I’m wondering, he has had multiple chances and never hangs around
Because he’s their father?

Don’t be the bad guy who prevented contact. Just leave it as it is.

Ugzbugz · 24/09/2021 23:42

New contract and change your number, he can sod off

TheChip · 24/09/2021 23:43

Its not about him. What if in the future he does come a calling and the kids want to see him?
Mine wanted to see their absent father and blamed me for them not being able to. Until they were early teens and got in touch with him themselves. He wanted to be the good guy and blame me...and he did. Only then he walked and they could see I had nothing to do with it. They then decided themselves that he was a waste of space and blocked him.

WormYourHonour · 24/09/2021 23:43

I wouldn't block them, but wouldn't chase them.
I'd support the child and give them the choice should the parent get back in touch in the future.
If the child says they don't want to see them, I wouldn't force them too.

Sunshinealligator · 24/09/2021 23:44

This may be deeply seated trauma speaking, but he's shown himself to not take his responsibility as a father seriously. He stopped seeing the children in January.

I assume this affected them emotionally.

8 months later, yes I'd block.

What can he possibly have to say now, that you would trust, that would change things?

If he wants back in the children's lives, there are other avenues, such as sending you a letter.

I would just not leave the door open for him.

Armychefbethebest · 24/09/2021 23:45

My youngest 2 aged 14 and 12 last saw their dad Dec 2017 he said he would be back before Xmas day with presents that was the last they saw or heard from him at first I tried multiple times to try and get him to see them my own dad disappeared when I was 6 so I know how it felt for them. I am at the stage now where I don't need to block because he clearly doesn't give a shit and the kids realise that too but we are doing just fine without him and I'm sure your dc will too xx

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 24/09/2021 23:46

I thought the general consensus was better to have no father than one that is in and out? So he can disappear for a year or more then come back again when he wants to? Is that not damaging for kids? Genuinely wondering as I’ve always heard that is worse? So a father should always be given contact again whenever he wants?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 24/09/2021 23:48

It isn't better for the child to have them disappearing when it suits. I wouldn't block, but I'd be telling them to go to Court for access.

TheChip · 24/09/2021 23:52

No, it's not good for a father to be in and out. But doing nothing is probably your best bet. Blocking isn't going to achieve anything if he's not trying to get in contact anyway. At least by not blocking you know when he is wanting contact. At which point you can direct him to go down the court route for access

Hapoydayz · 24/09/2021 23:52

For some reason some people seem to think that men that don't bother, are shit fathers etc. should be allowed to flounce in and out their children's lives because they have rights. If he's not contacted probably no need to block but it could be horrible for your child if he randomly gets in contact. Not sure why the expectation is the woman should keep the door open for men like this

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 24/09/2021 23:53

Oh ok that makes sense, he wouldn’t go to court though.

OP posts:
TheChip · 24/09/2021 23:53

Then he doesn't see his kids and you haven't stopped him. He has stopped himself by not trying.

Blahglah · 25/09/2021 00:16

Yes of course you should leave the option open, the children have the right to their father. He might be an idiot, but he's their idiot and you slept with him and have had your relationship with him. Speaking as a child of divorced parents. Of course look out for their welfare and he needs to contact you first, not just show up, but there are lots of terrible parents out there, mums and dads and it's just life. Better that way than them thinking one day you've been in the wrong or seeing him with rose tinted glasses. One day they'll be adults and will be looking back and judging, they may not agree with you so be careful with it.

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 25/09/2021 00:18

Ok but I’ve been told that’s actually MORE damaging to allow a father to come in and out, so it’s mixed messages, so I’m not sure which one is right but I think not allowing contact unless
It’s through court is the best way to go. He has form for this it’s a pattern not a one off.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 25/09/2021 00:19

He has told me in the past to never contact him no matter what.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeordeath83 · 25/09/2021 00:19

My birth father was/ is still an absolute waste of space. Prison, drugs, never paid maintenance, never came for visits when he said he would. My mum kept the door open for him so that I could see him for the man he was/is. I'm glad she did because he's an abject disappointment and waste of oxygen and has never been a dad to me- I needed to see that and learn it myself rather than torture myself with the idea that he was being kept away/ that the grass is greener etc. The last time I saw him he had the nerve to ask about "his granddaughter", he'll meet my children over my dead body (history of violence past and with his now estranged family). That said- her keeping the door open meant that I have an amazing relationship with his parents who I adore. They didn't deserve to lose their only grandchild (at the time) because their son is a terrible human being.

No idea what the set up with your ex's family is like, the situation around your break up or the age of your kids but I would say that kids figure out pretty quickly when an adult is useless, and whilst it isn't pleasant it is better in the long run as they get to see the situation as it is- not the one he claims when he decides to try and weasel back in. My mum divorced him when I was 3. I went through an incredibly brief period of asking for him when I was about 7 (coincided with him coming out of prison, the birth of my half brother/ moving in with my step dad etc) and then I realised he was a waste of my time. 🤷🏼‍♀️ My children think my dad was my now deceased step dad and have no idea of his existence. Let him hang himself with his own actions.

Original poster
TurnUpTurnip · 25/09/2021 00:23

In this situation he has no parents or extended family at all.

OP posts:
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