To not invite my mother to my wedding

[ChamberofSecrets69]

My mother has never really made much of an effort with her kids. We grew up in foster care and she'll ring me every 6 months (give or take) to check up. When DC was born she rang several times to see if everything went well, and sent DC money, but contact has reduced substantially ever since. I used to call her a lot, but I got tired of it being one-sided, so I stopped.

I've recently decided that I don't really want her at my wedding, simply because we're not close at all. She's harmless, but I just want close family and friends there. I know by not inviting her, some of her siblings won't come because they'll think it's unfair that they're invited, and she isn't. It would be a real shame, but it wouldn't ruin my day by any means.

Wedding isn't for another 1 year 7 months, but I'm already concerned because I'm going to send out save the sates soon, and she won't be getting one.

AIBU?

Your wedding, do as you wish.
Your prepared already for the fall out from some of her siblings, ultimately the people who really know you and care would show up regardless.

Your wedding, your choices! Maybe let her know rather than finding out from someone else, but I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all ❤️

@ChamberofSecrets69

My mother has never really made much of an effort with her kids. We grew up in foster care and she'll ring me every 6 months (give or take) to check up. When DC was born she rang several times to see if everything went well, and sent DC money, but contact has reduced substantially ever since. I used to call her a lot, but I got tired of it being one-sided, so I stopped.

I've recently decided that I don't really want her at my wedding, simply because we're not close at all. She's harmless, but I just want close family and friends there. I know by not inviting her, some of her siblings won't come because they'll think it's unfair that they're invited, and she isn't. It would be a real shame, but it wouldn't ruin my day by any means.

Wedding isn't for another 1 year 7 months, but I'm already concerned because I'm going to send out save the sates soon, and she won't be getting one.

AIBU?

You sound very cold. If she doesn't come others won't but it won't ruin your day by any means is why I say this.

Inviting her sounds like it would leave you with a heavy heart in the run up to and on your wedding day. You deserve better, people who love you and have been there for you will understand and you can look forward to a happy day.

I'm not inviting my mother or her siblings to my wedding. I'm sad my aunts and uncles won't be there but I know they wouldn't come anyway when she's not invited and it will be a cold day in hell before I'm purposely ever in her company again.

I really like her sister, and I would speak to her more often than I do my mother. I would like her to be at my wedding, but it wouldn't ruin my day if she chose not to come because my mother isn't invited.

I'm not cold, I just have others there that I consider more important in my life than others. What's wrong with that? 🙄

@Anordinarymum

Cold! Jesus. I’d feel cold towards my mother if I grew up in foster care.

You don’t actually sound cold OP… you sound quite rational and reasonable.

@Anordinarymum no the OP doesn’t sound cold! Her “mother” does not her.
OP, she hasn’t been a mother to you sadly and you owe her nothing. Tell the aunt you want her to come but not your mother nearer the time and have a lovely day with your own little family

What @GemmaRuby said!

@Francescaisstressed
@myphonekeepswanderingoff
@romdowa
@Perpop

Thank you all for your supportive comments. It's not easy having to cut your own mother from your wedding. It's hard, because I'm supposed to have my mother by my side during the planning stage of my wedding, like many women do and it really hurts.

@GemmaRuby

Thank you so much ❤

@ChamberofSecrets69

I really like her sister, and I would speak to her more often than I do my mother. I would like her to be at my wedding, but it wouldn't ruin my day if she chose not to come because my mother isn't invited.

I'm not cold, I just have others there that I consider more important in my life than others. What's wrong with that? 🙄

It's wrong because you are doing exactly what she did to you and you are better than this.

[quote BedTed]@Anordinarymum no the OP doesn’t sound cold! Her “mother” does not her.
OP, she hasn’t been a mother to you sadly and you owe her nothing. Tell the aunt you want her to come but not your mother nearer the time and have a lovely day with your own little family[/quote]
@BedTed

Thank you so much

@Anordinarymum

Huh?? How am I doing exactly what she done? I was born when she got married lol

*wasn't born

You don’t sound cold.

Your wedding, your choice who is there. Life is too short to do what you think you should - do what you actually want.

I was LC with my egg donor before our wedding. I invited her but she tried to give me the "I'll come if X can come too" BS. I refused. She didn't attend. In absolute and all honesty, it was the best thing. She'd spent long enough dictating to me and ruining my life. I've since gone NC with her, she hasn't met my DC and I'm much happier.

You don't sound cold at all, you sound quite level headed and sensible.

It's simple to me - she treated you horribly and therefore doesn't deserve to see you at your happiest.

My dm wasn't at any of my weddings...
Yanbu to not have yours there op..

It sounds like it's the right choice for you, and hopefully if you can tell her this far in advance before the save the dates, any drama or issues because of it will be put to bed by the time the wedding comes around so you can enjoy it.

It doesn't sound like your Mum has always put your best interests first, so why should you consider her feelings over your own on YOUR wedding day?

I think people who have a great/normal relationship with their mum might struggle to get their heads around it.

OP You made an initial post. I read it and commented on it. You yourself are in doubt or why would you even ask the question?

She sounds like a very unfortunate person. She is the loser here missing out on the life of her child. The fact that she would even come to your wedding tells me she is not quite right in the head.

If this were me and I was determined she should not come I would reach out to her siblings and explain why. I don't know. maybe it's just me.

I'm going to make a wild assumption here that @Anordinarymum has never experienced abandonment from a parent...

@ChamberofSecrets69

I really like her sister, and I would speak to her more often than I do my mother. I would like her to be at my wedding, but it wouldn't ruin my day if she chose not to come because my mother isn't invited.

I'm not cold, I just have others there that I consider more important in my life than others. What's wrong with that? 🙄

With all due respect it would be a cold day in hell before I let my sister’s kids grow up in fostercare. While you may like her do not forget that she also sat by and watched stuff happen to you - if she really cared you would have grown up with her.

@girlmom21

I'm going to make a wild assumption here that *@Anordinarymum* has never experienced abandonment from a parent...

Oh boy. I could write a book on it. I was abused as a child. I ended up going NC with my mother so I know what I am talking about.

So yeah your assumption is wild and waay off the mark.

No two people are alike. I like to look at things differently is all

@ChamberofSecrets69 I recently went NC with my mom. I was fortunate to avoid the care system as I was raised by my DF and SM.

My mom has been in my life (mostly) during that time but never made the effort she should've done, nor did she have any intention of doing so. I was treated differently to my siblings but we were all treated pretty badly (no abuse etc, just poor poor parenting, limited contact, lots of alcohol, lots of different boyfriends for her who we were constantly introduced to etc).

since I've had DC's she's made very little effort.

I finally confronted her with everything and she has a victim mentality. None of it was her fault, she knew I never wanted much to do with her, blah blah.

No apologies, no attempt to rectify issues, nothing.

I'm hoping to get married in the next couple of years and she won't be there either. She doesn't deserve to be, but it still really hurts because you still always want them to prove you wrong and change.

The truth is, they won't.

Don't invite her if you don't want her there. Don't let anyone force you otherwise x