To not invite my mother to my wedding

[ChamberofSecrets69]

My mother has never really made much of an effort with her kids. We grew up in foster care and she'll ring me every 6 months (give or take) to check up. When DC was born she rang several times to see if everything went well, and sent DC money, but contact has reduced substantially ever since. I used to call her a lot, but I got tired of it being one-sided, so I stopped.

I've recently decided that I don't really want her at my wedding, simply because we're not close at all. She's harmless, but I just want close family and friends there. I know by not inviting her, some of her siblings won't come because they'll think it's unfair that they're invited, and she isn't. It would be a real shame, but it wouldn't ruin my day by any means.

Wedding isn't for another 1 year 7 months, but I'm already concerned because I'm going to send out save the sates soon, and she won't be getting one.

AIBU?

OP, I had what I thought was a very good friend, she was going to be my bridesmaid. Until I realised that I was the one making all the effort to contact, and I stopped, waiting to see how long it would be before she reached out to me. We've been married 27 years now, and I'm still waiting!

She didn't come to the wedding, needless to say, she was not invited.j

It sounds like much the same with reference to your Mother (I use that term very loosely).

I don't think you sound cold. But if you are, towards the woman that was supposed to have been bothered to raise and nurture, and protect you, who abandoned you, then I think that's more than understandable in the circumstances.

Completely up to you, and with what you've shared seems a justified decision.

But... if she is harmless why not just invite her, as your statement suggests some family members won't come, so sounds as if it will cause a drama, giving you hassle and take focus of your happy day.

I'm all for an easy life

Bizarre replies from @Anordinarymum there who went NC with her own mother but calls you cold and thinks you should invite your mum to your wedding

@NigelSlatersXmasTaters

Bizarre replies from *@Anordinarymum* there who went NC with her own mother but calls you cold and thinks you should invite your mum to your wedding

Not bizarre at all. My mother was present during my childhood. OP mother was not. I realise it is sensitive. Were the siblings children also or why didn't they take you out of care OP?

What would make you / put you off applying to foster?

Whatever causes less drama I'd say. Weddings are stressful at the best of times. If she is indeed harmless then I would avoid awkwardness and just invite her. One extra person shouldn't make a difference.

@ChamberofSecrets69

I really like her sister, and I would speak to her more often than I do my mother. I would like her to be at my wedding, but it wouldn't ruin my day if she chose not to come because my mother isn't invited.

I'm not cold, I just have others there that I consider more important in my life than others. What's wrong with that? 🙄

You aren’t cold. That poster doesn’t understand how being in care and then treated as you have been has created an emotional distance between you and your mum. You must be comfortable and happy on your wedding day. Invite the people you want to share in your joy. Your mum doesn’t share in your joys all the rest of the year, so why must you pretend it’s all great for a wedding? You come first here.

I was expecting a paragraph about a toxic parent. One not being around much I would still invite, if she's not that bothered she may not attend anyway.

We invited family that made very little effort and ones that caused us hassle, better to invite and hope they decline than upset other family members by not inviting them.