AIBU…Head lice

[Gingerbreadmum2]

Hi everyone please help me….
It’s a topic most mums fear and pray never comes into the house - HEAD LICE!
A very close family members kids brought head lice into our house in July. Thank goodness I happened to catch it very early as I saw one of my daughters itching a couple of days later! Only that daughter had lice (2 eggs and 1 crawler). I got checked professionally and had nothing same with other daughter and husband.
I told the family so they could get checked (with no accusations at all!). The family have 3 girls and upon checking, everyone was crawling with lice, mum dad and kids.
We took necessary steps to delouse the house, car seats etc.
For august and September until now ive been performing weekly nit checks and we have remained all clear.
We’ve seen the family a number of times (even though after childhood traumas it went against my nature) and I’ve just explained to the girls to keep heads away, drenched us in nit repellent etc.
Last time we saw them one of the children was constantly itching. I didn’t say anything but the mum did contact me 2 weeks later to say the kids had lice again.
Again we are all clear.

So this is where my problem comes in. I spoke with the mum after the family have been treated and asked (in a light and sympathetic way) what measures she’s taking to delouse the house etc. I then asked if she was going to tell the school…..she said no! And gave some reasons that really didn’t stack up.

This is a very dear family member who we cannot not see and the last thing I want to do is fall out with. My husband wanted me to drop the topic but it’s awkward, especially because we socialise with a lot of children from the school.

In the end I called mum back to rationalise her telling the school for the sake of her own kids not getting the lice again. I tried my best not to be preachy and was apologetic about getting involved, but let’s be honest it probably came out like a horrendous lecture. It was not well received and she sounded well and truly peed off, although she did say she would do it. My husband is devastated at the risk of a rift between the families (as am I!) and again he wishes I’d just dropped the topic. I feel extremely guilty because I know any potential rift is my fault.

So here it is… AIBU by pursuing this and not dropping it? Should I have left the conversation as it was before explaining why she had a duty to tell the school?

And if anyone has been in her situation beforeor something similar where an interfering relative-in-law has peed you off, would you please give me some advice on how to repair any looking rift?

Thanks for your time!

Likely school would already know. Lice are very very common in the classroom.

YNBU at all! Lice is disgusting and a sign that her children aren’t being properly cared for. Is she struggling in life? Your reaction is normal, her’s isn’t.

Delousing the house is unnecessary, it's only the heads that need treating. They can be a nightmare to get rid of, it took weeks for my girls to be free of them (thankfully during lockdown when schools were closed), it's easy to miss a couple of eggs in long hair and then they multiply again so d6ont assume they aren't trying. I was treating them, combing daily for over an hour each, running straighteners through and still they kept coming. Nitwits spray finally ended it as it treats lice and eggs.

Once you've told her once you should have left it. The school will know.

All that will happen now is she won't tell you next time they get lice

@SalsaLove

YNBU at all! Lice is disgusting and a sign that her children aren’t being properly cared for. Is she struggling in life? Your reaction is normal, her’s isn’t.

Headlice? Pretty much every kid gets headlice at some point. They aren't all neglected!

If you called her several times to tell her she should treat the house, to tell her she should ring the school, yes, YABU.

Lice is not the big deal you are making it out to be.

Ugh the little critters. It took me two months to remove fully, I was treating constantly, checking heads while children slept, delousing in the morning if I found anything … I told the school! We were late some days because if I found a culprit while the kids were sleeping (and didn’t object so much to a head search) I would do immediately in the morning.

I also got one of those combs that screeches when you come upon a nit. So I would comb away while they slept.

I really don’t think you are being unreasonable, I think you were brave!

I've never deloused the house, they can't live away from the head?

Combed through, Hedrin, keep checking for a couple of weeks. My children are not neglected but the girls both have long hair and they do pick them up.

My low moment was finding one crawling up my neck on my way to work one morning....

Total overreaction.

We've had lice two or three times.

Its very very common in primary.

And is certainly not a sign of neglect.

Have you told the school your kids had it? If not then you are definitely being unreasonable.

My kids are certainly not neglected in any way but have had head lice. How absurd to suggest that Salsalove - it’s something that the first time we got a letter from school and checked I was horrified but have learned is part of having kids at primary school - some parents just won’t bother checking or treating so it goes round and round.

Yes YABU to have called her a second time and lecture her on how she is handling head lice on her children. You would be VERY unreasonable to “continue to pursue this”. Just mind your own children.

Telling the school is a nice thing to do, but the children probably caught it from school in the first place so the school will undoubtedly know and have informed other parents. Schools are a well known vector for transmission of lice between children. It’s not your right to repeatedly tell another parent that they must inform the school.

Lice can be difficult to get rid of in some cases. I think you got off pretty easily as in most cases if one child has lice, it’s best to treat the entire family. I would not assume that this relative isn’t doing anything because she’s having a harder time of it.

It sounds like you have some sort of OCD about headlice. (I have it myself although not about lice) they are totally normal and most kids get them at some point. You should apologize to the mum and explain you have issues, otherwise you may lose this friendship!

www.nhs.uk/conditions/head-lice-and-nits/

You don't need to do the hot wash and house scouring and Lice have nothing to do with cleanliness.

If you had learnt that your relative wasn't treating them at all and knew about them that would be one thing, but if she is treating and trying to get rid of them then you are massively over reacting and being unreasonable.

@fourandnomore

Have you told the school your kids had it? If not then you are definitely being unreasonable.

My kids are certainly not neglected in any way but have had head lice. How absurd to suggest that Salsalove - it’s something that the first time we got a letter from school and checked I was horrified but have learned is part of having kids at primary school - some parents just won’t bother checking or treating so it goes round and round.

It’s not absurd at all. I’m shocked that so many of you think it’s fine. Maybe I’m just old but we never had it and weren’t allowed to be around children that did. It was considered shameful.

My dd had headlice a few months ago and she is absolutely not neglected. I knew they were going round the school, so checked regularly, then treated everyone the minute I found them. I then spent hours combing through her hair every night for 2 weeks until I was absolutely sure they were gone and have gone back to checking regularly. Does that sound like neglect to you?

Lice can most definitely be a sign of neglect. Most kids will get them at some point, but responsible parents will very quickly treat them and notify school so that other parents can check their own child’s hair too. When you have children who have long-term, serious infestations of nits because their parents don’t do anything to get rid of them (as with one poor girl I know) then yes, it’s absolutely neglect.

OP, whether you are reasonable or not depends on the severity of the issue. If this is just a couple of regular cases of nits that the parents are dealing with then you really don’t need to get involved (although it’s very selfish and stupid of them not to notify the school). But if you’re talking a severe infestation that’s not being dealt with then yes, some intervention is required for the sake of the children and I would also be speaking to the school.

Salsalove so because my child has worked near someone who has head lice at school (and lice have jumped from head to head when they work closely) and their parent has not treated the child, my child (despite being treated and combed weekly when there are no nits) still manages to repeatedly get headlice and the cycle goes on, that means my child is neglected and I should be ashamed, wow.
The reason your comment is upsetting is because we have spent hundreds of pounds and tens of hours treating nits. I feel horrible about it and angry at parents who don’t treat effectively or ignore the letters but it’s not as clear cut as neglect or shame. I try my very best to care for my children, always.

Headlice are now extremely difficult to get rid of due to their resistance to almost all treatments. Even the smothering ones don’t always work.

We’ve been combing every other day for a month now and I’m still finding the odd one here and there, due to all 4 of us having very long thick hair.

My kids aren’t neglected at all, ffs.

Lice is disgusting and a sign that her children aren’t being properly cared for

🤔

My DD (now 17) had lice when she was 7. It took me 5 months to completely get rid of them.
Often people think they've got them "again" when they just didn't get rid of the first wave properly.

Maybe I’m just old but we never had it and weren’t allowed to be around children that did. It was considered shameful.

Yeah that is shockingly not normal!

@AhNowTed

Total overreaction.

We've had lice two or three times.

Its very very common in primary.

And is certainly not a sign of neglect.

This. With bells on.

I did hope after Covid and lockdown that would be the end, but no.

In rare cases, yes there is neglect if it is unnoticed and untreated. But they are wet easy to catch, difficult to get rid of in long hair and very common in primary.

Then again, thread worm is very common in primary too...

When my DD had them the first thing I did was tell the school.
Fortunately they haven’t had them since but they are a bugger to get rid of so you have my sympathies OP.

@SalsaLove

YNBU at all! Lice is disgusting and a sign that her children aren’t being properly cared for. Is she struggling in life? Your reaction is normal, her’s isn’t.

Don't be so silly, you clearlyhaveno idea about how head lice work

Where are you OP? Your reaction is way OTT and where do you find a professional nit checker?

It's not normal to have such a dramatic reaction to an every day thing even if it's not something anyone enjoys but it's a part of having children in school and contact with other children