AIBU…Head lice

[Gingerbreadmum2]

Hi everyone please help me….
It’s a topic most mums fear and pray never comes into the house - HEAD LICE!
A very close family members kids brought head lice into our house in July. Thank goodness I happened to catch it very early as I saw one of my daughters itching a couple of days later! Only that daughter had lice (2 eggs and 1 crawler). I got checked professionally and had nothing same with other daughter and husband.
I told the family so they could get checked (with no accusations at all!). The family have 3 girls and upon checking, everyone was crawling with lice, mum dad and kids.
We took necessary steps to delouse the house, car seats etc.
For august and September until now ive been performing weekly nit checks and we have remained all clear.
We’ve seen the family a number of times (even though after childhood traumas it went against my nature) and I’ve just explained to the girls to keep heads away, drenched us in nit repellent etc.
Last time we saw them one of the children was constantly itching. I didn’t say anything but the mum did contact me 2 weeks later to say the kids had lice again.
Again we are all clear.

So this is where my problem comes in. I spoke with the mum after the family have been treated and asked (in a light and sympathetic way) what measures she’s taking to delouse the house etc. I then asked if she was going to tell the school…..she said no! And gave some reasons that really didn’t stack up.

This is a very dear family member who we cannot not see and the last thing I want to do is fall out with. My husband wanted me to drop the topic but it’s awkward, especially because we socialise with a lot of children from the school.

In the end I called mum back to rationalise her telling the school for the sake of her own kids not getting the lice again. I tried my best not to be preachy and was apologetic about getting involved, but let’s be honest it probably came out like a horrendous lecture. It was not well received and she sounded well and truly peed off, although she did say she would do it. My husband is devastated at the risk of a rift between the families (as am I!) and again he wishes I’d just dropped the topic. I feel extremely guilty because I know any potential rift is my fault.

So here it is… AIBU by pursuing this and not dropping it? Should I have left the conversation as it was before explaining why she had a duty to tell the school?

And if anyone has been in her situation beforeor something similar where an interfering relative-in-law has peed you off, would you please give me some advice on how to repair any looking rift?

Thanks for your time!

If you want to salvage the relationship, I’d contact your relative and say “I’m sorry; lice absolutely freak me out and I got obsessed with it for a bit and shouldn’t have nagged. I’m clearing the kids’ heads and i know how hard it is so let’s both keep their hair all tied back when they play together and hope for the best. Love from Ging”
Then douse your kids in hedrin, plait their hair til their eyes bulge and pray.

@wellards

Maybe I’m just old but we never had it and weren’t allowed to be around children that did. It was considered shameful.

Yeah that is shockingly not normal!

Agreed. Sounds more like a sign of neglect that you think this kind of attitude is ok. Makes me feel sorry for you. Or it might have if you hadn't been such a judgy twat.

Now that you're grown up and presumably with some common sense @SalsaLove you can see what nonsense it is to think that nits can in anyway be shameful

Can you articulate a bit more clearly how there could possibly be any shame in getting your head near the head of a child with nits? Where exactly would shame come into it?

Those kids wouldn't be coming into my house again. I hate nits, they were one of the ways I was neglected as a child, mine were rarely treated , I was left as a small child trying to deal with them myself and spent years so ashamed that I had them. Even ti this day if I see kids scratching I keep well away. There's no excuse for failing to keep ontop of any outbreak .

Maybe I’m just old but we never had it and weren’t allowed to be around children that did. It was considered shameful. that's awful!

Lice take ages to get rid of with multiple kids.

My favourite thing about lockdown was that we could finally get rid of them as it was only the four kids and two adults in the house who could pass them around!

I did wonder if they might go extinct, but clearly not.

What's needed is a Nitty Gritty type comb that gets the eggs too. And comb every person in the house every day until you've all been clear for a week.

Which is a big deal for a family with three kids, but necessary. Lotions don't work as well as straight up, consistent combing.

they were one of the ways I was neglected as a child, mine were rarely treated , I was left as a small child trying to deal with them myself and spent years so ashamed that I had them.

You had them for years?!

Yabu! Whilst having lice is a bit rank it isn't worthy of the fuss people make. I think it's tied up with age old stigma of poverty like workhouses and other types of lice/neglect. By pursuing it with her you've probably raised all those sorts of judgement about being unclean.

They don't live off the head, they don't lead to further problems, there's no risk of infection unless the child scratches so much they infect the skin.

I too hoped they die out during covid isolation but I guess they're resistant little critters!

We had a year of it at school from but part of primary IMO. Kids all get treated, but by then a sibling has passed it to someone else in their class and it perpetuates.

We certainly never delivered the house. What does that even mean?

We combed with conditioner and a nitty gritty every Sunday, more often when the dreaded nut letter came out. Much more effective than ad hoc topical treatment.

@SalsaLove Unfortunately "being old" is relevant here because nits are far more resistant to treatments than they were in the past. As such, children become infested with them far more often than previously - very common even in primary schools in 'nice areas' where parents are horrified (but often defeated) by them.

My DD had headlice when she was in primary school. She had below waist length hair and the days hours I spent combing it through with nit comb and treatments, conditioner etc. It took weeks if not months to get rid of!! Her hair was super clean we were washing it every other day.
DS had it but has much shorter hair. I think we caught it earlier and it was much easier to treat.

[quote Plotato]@SalsaLove Unfortunately "being old" is relevant here because nits are far more resistant to treatments than they were in the past. As such, children become infested with them far more often than previously - very common even in primary schools in 'nice areas' where parents are horrified (but often defeated) by them.[/quote]
Fair enough. But I’m really not a “silly” “judgy twat” for thinking they can be a sign of neglect, especially as the OP described. But, yeah, thanks for the judgy twat comments.

I never let school know tbh. I just made sure I got rid of their lice with hedrin and that was the end of it. They had them twice I think, once discovered on Christmas Day which was delightful.

What on earth is a professional nit checker!?

Nitty Nora the nit nurse?

@fourandnomore

Salsalove so because my child has worked near someone who has head lice at school (and lice have jumped from head to head when they work closely) and their parent has not treated the child, my child (despite being treated and combed weekly when there are no nits) still manages to repeatedly get headlice and the cycle goes on, that means my child is neglected and I should be ashamed, wow. The reason your comment is upsetting is because we have spent hundreds of pounds and tens of hours treating nits. I feel horrible about it and angry at parents who don’t treat effectively or ignore the letters but it’s not as clear cut as neglect or shame. I try my very best to care for my children, always.

You’re deliberately misunderstanding my point, and for that I can’t help you. I’m sorry you’ve had so much trouble with getting rid of the things but you are clearly not the example I was referring to.

I’m shocked that so many of you think it’s fine. Maybe I’m just old but we never had it and weren’t allowed to be around children that did. It was considered shameful.

Yes, just like having children ‘out of wedlock’ and being left-handed. Thankfully society has moved on (but left some posters behind, it seems!)

You did the right thing.

It drives me insane when people don’t bother to check their children’s hair or take measures to make sure they’re nit-less.

My ex’s daughter kept giving my daughter nits and it made me so cross. the min I found anything, I would be treating her hair and making sure she was nit-free. My daughter had never caught nuts until they came into our lives. Her mom just used to leave it and she’d be crawling. I even had to treat her myself as I was sick of her having nits and giving them to my child.

Treating them isn’t hard. You keep at it, I went through my daughter’s hair everyday and they were gone within a few days.

Thankfully she’s only had them 3 times and she’s now 9.

OP lice don't live very long off hair. You really don't need to be washing bedding etc. Also not everyone itches if they have lice - I didn't when I got them off DS ... please chill out a bit.
FWIW we found this kit www.chc.org/the-bug-buster-kit-products/ way better than the nitty gritty comb and chemical treatments.

Op, a few years ago my son kept getting headlice. He was about 3 at the time so pretty young and did go to nursery but I kept treating and coming both his and my hair (single mum at the time) for them to come back. Told the nursery, hot washing bedding etc. Then when it got to the school holidays and he was still getting them!! Ruled out his dad who had no hair!

Turns out they were coming from my sister (16 years younger than me and quite young at the time and seen my son quite a lot). My mum said her kids could not possibly have headline as they were too clean (whatevs) and they've never had them before. But I noticed the itching and took it into my own hands. When they were over my place I combed her her and my other sisters hair and they were riddled beyond belief. My mum just didn't see them itching or did and didn't take any action. It was causing me stress having to comb a 3 year old with sensory issues hair every day for weeks.

She then accused me of giving the lice to her kids as they possibly couldn't get them. It may have been the case DS had them first but he only had a few and they were riddled so it seemed likely it started with them.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if your regular visitors don't buck up and sort their kdis hair out and it's really not that hard!! Don't see them until they do.

Headlice is an inevitable part of childhood but can be minimised with the correct checks and care. Winds me up when people don't take responsibility.

Hi OP
Here's some of the facts about headlice
www.chc.org/mistaken-advice/

Thank you all for your messages. It seems like there’s a wide range of opinions and you’ve all given me a lot to think about. Thanks again!

For those who have asked where I am and what a nit checker is, we are in Stratford-upon-Avon where there is this clinic. They don’t use treatments. They have a special method and machine that removes every single egg and nit if they find anything. I have only gone for checks but know some mums who have had the full removal and haven’t had the lice come back. It’s meant to be 100% effective whereas most treatments are not. I think they have them round the country. They do school visits too.

Thank you again for your views they’ve all been really helpful!

Wow OP - that's one pricy clinic visit if you want removal. £35 for nit checking is also ££.

@SalsaLove I'm not sure if you've confused me with another poster but I used neither the word judgy nor twat. I have literally posted the comment you quoted, that nits are more resistant to treatment nowadays and prevalent in most primaries.

@wellards

Maybe I’m just old but we never had it and weren’t allowed to be around children that did. It was considered shameful.

Yeah that is shockingly not normal!

I agree Wellards, Salsalove that is really awful!

It’s a topic most mums fear and pray never comes into the house - HEAD LICE!
Is it really something most parents fear? Or just something a bit annoying that nobody wants? DC haven't had them yet but I'm sure will at some point and I'll deal with it then. Not looking forward to it but not concerned either. Certainly not expending any energy fearing them.