To think this is physically impossible?

[Imafailure]

Had DD2 last week. It was an emergency csection and physically I am pushed to my limits. Trying to establish breastfeeding whilst in agony and with no sleep to help recovery has been hell. Thought I'd turned a corner with less pain today but had issues with catheter and had to take antibiotics and have developed horrendous diarrhea today as a result. I'm in bed in agony with cramps and feel worse than if I had food poisoning. Feel utterly dehydrated too. Also have bad chest, throat and cough from a bug I picked up from DD1 who's at school. It gets even worse at night, and I am lying here trying not to cough as the pain on c section scar when I do is awful.

To top it off I have no idea what I'm doing with DD. She is getting more unsettled as the days go by and am now getting 2 hours broken sleep a night if I'm lucky. She's been feeding non stop since 9pm. She just had a 45 minute catnap and I couldn't sleep during it from my stomach cramps, it's making horrible gurgles and will probably need to run to the loo again in a minute.

It seems completely hopeless. Looking after a newborn is tough as it is, but with poor health on top it is just impossible.

I feel like a failure. What do I do?

[RowanAlong]

Poor you this is rubbish. It feels impossible but you’re not a failure, it’s just bad luck. One hour at a time, just keep up the feeding and cuddling and asking for help from every possible person you can think of. It can only get better!

[Imafailure]

Yes DH is sorting out DD1 but that itself is an issue for me as we have the strongest bond and she has not had a mummy for a week, I feel so bad. In fact what woke me up after 2 hours was that I had a nightmare that my DD1 felt neglected and I woke up bawling my eyes out...

She is playing up a lot, as expected, and DH gets upset with her. I'm trying to get him to see she's just hurting as her world has been turned upside down and she's had to watch me barely able to walk and a shadow of myself, it must be unsettling for her. The guilt is huge.

Honestly my DH is very helpful but I've just not been clear enough about how hard it is. Today I'll check out of anything that isn't sleeping or feeding. I made a point all week to get up and have breakfast as normal for DD1 but just staying in bed this morning.

Will it honestly get better? If I could be sure I think I could deal with it but I'm worried we aren't going to make it.

Agree with PP it is so hard for women nowadays and those standards are just unreachable with no help. I'm from another country and there you do get a week of help in hospital after a c section, you're not told to sleep in the same room as baby and most people bottle feed. Babies sleep through the night really early on and mothers don't look tired. I just don't know what to do for the best. But my babies deserve the world.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Oh you poor thing. That sounds utterly rubbish. You aren't a failure you're a bloody hero love!!

Just hang in there, day by day it will get better.

Be kind to yourself as your have a lot to deal with.

In a couple of months time you'll be in a very different place.

So hang in there. Be kind to yourself, don't criticise yourself, rest as much as you can, get as much help as you can. It will all get better.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Plus your dd1 will be fine.

Yes it is unsettling for them when they have a sibling. But it's life and children are resilient. With understanding and kindness you and your dh can help her really grow and develop.

Be kind to yourselves rather than flagellate yourselves, and you will find you can be kind to her also.

[BogRollBOGOF]

DS was BFed for 13m after a very ropey start involving formula and lots of hand expressing. The engorgement phase is bloody hard especially when everything else is wrong too, but as that eases BFing becomes much more accessible to baby. By hook or by crook, just feed baby one feed at a time by whatever means necessary that time.

Stay in bed and recover. DH needs to do the running around. Send him for supplies for things like dioralyte, sports drinks. A stack of biscuits by the bed is essential (I'm forgotten about the hunger pangs during feeding!)

Get hold of your MW team and get them to check you over.

[Bananarice]

If you want to keep on bf that is OK, you can continue and keep going. But you need to get some sleep. After you feed baby get dh to take baby out for a walk/ drive for an hour or so. If baby is sleeping peacefully then dh can extend the walk/ drive.

You can then rest. Afterwards, maybe if you think baby is ill/ has reflux then ask health visitor/ gp to assess the baby cries. If baby is well, then you can get reassured your baby is a baby. And some babies cry a lot.

All the cleaning and cooking need to fall to your dh or food delivery people. Get a cleaner if you can afford it. Or a friend/ family member to come and help.

Ds2 was a very hard baby and I used the towel trick. The best thing I did was ask for help. I still haven't forgotten forgotten the worst day dbro called and I just sobbed on the phone. He came and asked to take baby for a ride. He took baby out and I cried in the shower. I didn't sleep but I never felt more rested. Before that dh used to care for ds2 inside the house where I could hear his cries. I'm mainly to blame because I wanted to be physically close to ds2. I knew ds2 slept well in the car but I still used to join in. After the day dbro took him, dh took ds2 out whenever, I needed sleep.

There is no shame in needing sleep. It is a fundamental need. It took me a while to accept it.

[Quartz2208]

You are not a failure. It is tough - the guilt for a first born being left and then dealing with a second and figuring out the balance between the two.

Firstly hydrate yourself - water/ice pops etc. And rest.

And a very long chat with your husband because you need him to step but - he cannot go an be consumed by work he needs the balance. And he needs to understand that your DD1 behaviour is normal.

Also after your day of rest carve out some one to one time with your DD1. You DH will be fine with DD2 and she will be fine with him. In fact it will be good going forward

And seek some medical advice you really shouldnt be feeling that bad

[Pinklioness]

Take all the great advice here.

One other thing: I used plastic breast cups which collect much more milk than the cloth ones. I produced so much it was the only thing that stopped me being permanently soaked.

You'll get through this. It's the exhaustion and the infection that's making it all seem impossible.

[Shuffleuplove]

It will 100% get better.

[JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon]

Add Dioralyte oral rehydration powders to the shopping list. If you have diarrhoea it is really important to replace electrolytes as well as just fluids.

[ChinstrapBobblehat]

Oh god, just reading this has given me hideous flashbacks - I was in an almost identical situation with my second.

An EMC is not just ‘having a baby’, it’s a major medical procedure which can take a long time to fully recover from (contrary to what some people would have you believe). And if you’re unwell on top of that, plus struggling with a newborn and suffering from sleep deprivation, it’s utterly grim.

Take one day at a time; don’t feel like you’re up against some kind of recovery timetable with milestones you need to hit. Everyone’s different. I’ve no better advice than has already been offered - lean on your husband, get support from family and friends, switch to formula if you need to, hire a cleaner if you can afford it.

Extend the same kindness to yourself that would to a friend in the same situation. You’re not a failure, you’re a fucking hero, and this will all get better, it just takes time.

[Phrowzunn]

Hiya OP, I’ve been exactly where you are, including the diarrhoea, getting kicked out post CS after 24 hours, having a toddler at home, EBF baby. I PROMISE you, you can do this. It feels like your whole world is falling apart right now but you WILL get there and this will one day all be some crazy memory. I agree with you that formula feeding or expressing is just something else to figure out at this stage that you don’t need. Baby will get there. I definitely agree with hand expressing a bit first before trying to get baby to latch on. A hot flannel softens things up too. Agree with lots of towels to deal with the milk going everywhere. Tuck one under your boob and over the shoulder of the wee one. And get DH washing them. Get him bringing you food and drinks and your little girl for a visit when you feel up to it. She will be fine. My DD1 absolutely adores DD2 now and our bond is stronger than ever, but she was seriously neglected when DD2 arrived. It’s not for long and children are very forgiving. I promise you it won’t permanently change anything between you.
Get your DH on board with everything you need, especially pain meds. Get him to set reminders on his phone and give them to you on time no matter what. We had a system of: I kept the baby alive, DH kept me alive. Do try and see if he can get some more time off work under the circumstances, or if a good family member or friend could come and stay for a week. You are not well. You have had to have an unexpected major operation. You have no opportunity to recover as you have a tiny unreasonable human to look after. You are NOT FAILING. Just keep going, you can do this. It absolutely does get better, you just can’t imagine it at the moment. But it does, you will come through the other side of this. You’ve got this, you’ve got this, you’ve got this.

[Phrowzunn]

Oh and you can take Imodium while breast feeding, I asked and did at the time. Also Buscopan is good.

[Cluelessgardener]

You are far from a failure op. You're actually superwoman, even if you don't feel like. You've had major surgery, you're sleep deprived and you're the best mum your baby needs. Go easy on yourself

[Embroidery]

Dh should settled you both, breakfast, baby changed etc.
Then he needs to go out this morning and buy bottles, steriliser and formula.
It takes two people in the early days not one very ill / temp disabled person.

Then he can bottle feed. My DC had bottle and breast. BF to age 3 but bottles too from newborn. I didnt BF from 10pm to 7am ever, with either child, but maybe I was a bit mean with that looking back. Dh did bottle night feeds but he likes nighttime and sleeping on chairs even with no baby.

[diddl]

Good Lord this is awful.

The diarrhoea-is it the combination of what you are on?

Have you asked for anything else-can you?

Unless what you are on are the only two things available, it's not good enough imo.

[kasho5]

I had a catheter for two days after an emergency c-section (couldn't wait to get it out) but I have to say the first few trips to the toilet afterwards were horrendous. I was like something exploded out of me. It did settle down fairly quickly though.

[ThreeLittleDots]

Do be careful with formula feeding. You need to empty your breasts as you don't want mastitis on top of all this. Stop trying to placate DD1 and get your husband to do more. He should be having weeks of parental leave.

[cricketmum84]

Get on Amazon and order bottles, steriliser and a pump.

Have a go at expressing so DH can take on some of the feeds and you can sleep.

You are certainly not failing at anything. You have had a rough ride but baby is alive, that means you are succeeding lol.

Please speak to your HV though about how you are feeling. They can access some support for you

[viagrafalls]

@FortunesFave

Can you send DH to get bottles? You mention you can't leave DH to it as no formula etc....why not buy some?

I absolutely agree with this - give yourself a break OP and let DH feed the newborn so you can get some rest.

[Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep]

You will get through this. I am nearly ten years on from where you are and I remember how horrific those early days were, but you will get there.
And I second what someone else said about feeding baby lying down. Look up safe bedsharing so if you doze off it won't put her at risk and then you can relax and enjoy some sleep knowing your baby is emptying your boob for you. Cold compresses and ibuprofen help too and look up 'reverse pressure softening', a gentle compression massage for your breast that should help move some of the non-milk fluid build up, thus letting the milk flow more freely.

Do formula feed if you think it will help, but look after your breasts either way. The ibuprofen, cold compresses and compression massage will hopefully prevent blocked ducts and mastitis, which you really don't need. Hopefully they'll make bf feel a bit easier and then you can choose how you want to continue rather than have your choices made for you.

[LookItsMeAgain]

You poor wee thing being so poorly.

Can you get your DH to order some of these (or get some in your local supermarket - groceries.morrisons.com/products/sma-1-first-baby-milk-formula-starter-pack-from-birth-307178011 ). That would take the immediate pressure off you to be able to breastfeed. I would say that you should be better in a bout 3-4 days and you should still be able to breastfeed even with that much of a break if you wanted to try again.

Then focus on getting yourself better. Sleep when baby sleeps. Do not worry about anything else but you and baby.

Congratulations on your new little addition to your family and best of luck to you with this.

[ArabellaScott]

OP, I'm so sorry.

This site might be useful wrt drugs/meds and breastfeeding:

www.sps.nhs.uk/articles/ukdilas/

If there's anything I can help with wrt feeding, feel free to pm me. I had a very similar start with my DS (emcs, infection, difficulty establishing), and trained as an infant feeding peer supporter.

It will get better, absolutely. Day at a time, as soon as the infection is sorted things will feel better. Remember hormones are all over the place post-birth, too, so everything can feel 100 times worse.

Is there anyone you can ask to come and help look after DD1? Childminder, relative, friend, nanny? Even if you don't fall asleep, you can rest, that's also helpful.

[ArabellaScott]

There's also this info on bfing/drugs:

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/drugs-factsheets/

[ArabellaScott]

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep

You will get through this. I am nearly ten years on from where you are and I remember how horrific those early days were, but you will get there.
And I second what someone else said about feeding baby lying down. Look up safe bedsharing so if you doze off it won't put her at risk and then you can relax and enjoy some sleep knowing your baby is emptying your boob for you. Cold compresses and ibuprofen help too and look up 'reverse pressure softening', a gentle compression massage for your breast that should help move some of the non-milk fluid build up, thus letting the milk flow more freely.

Do formula feed if you think it will help, but look after your breasts either way. The ibuprofen, cold compresses and compression massage will hopefully prevent blocked ducts and mastitis, which you really don't need. Hopefully they'll make bf feel a bit easier and then you can choose how you want to continue rather than have your choices made for you.

This is excellent advice, OP.