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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants to see me more,aibu?

76 replies

ainpynn · 23/09/2021 21:48

Been together 3 months now.
I see him 2/3 times a week and he stays at mine.
I'm happy with that but he says it's not enough.
The thing is I need my own space a few nights and I'm happy as it is.

For example Saturday night he is at work till around 9 pm and wants to come over after work (which will be half 9 ) but I want to go out for drinks with a friend and il be staying at hers.

Do I just give in and let him stay when he likes?
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 24/09/2021 07:39

You two are not compatible. You want casual he wants more.

As a comparison, me and Mrs Hr had already moved in together within 2 months.

gamerchick · 24/09/2021 07:42

I'm seeing an awful lot of you doing the treating there OP?

Aprilx · 24/09/2021 07:42

I think you have worded your thread very much to get everyone against him. Whereas the issue he has seems to be because you made arrangements with him and then cancelled for a friend, most people would be upset about that.

Still this all sounds too much after three months.

ChaToilLeam · 24/09/2021 07:45

Ignore the posters saying you lack commitment or are being too casual. You’re 3 months in, you’re still getting to know each other, 2-3 times a week is plenty. He’s starting to sound a bit demanding and if you need more space than he does, then it may signal a fundamental incompatibility. He might also be angling to become a cocklodger. Tread with care, OP. Don’t give in if that’s not what you want.

2Rebecca · 24/09/2021 07:47

Why is he always at your house? Also you are paying for the hotel. He sounds overly keen to encroach on your space and money. If he's working until 9 that's the evening gone and I'd feel someone just wanted sex if they wanted me to stay in to see them at the end of the evening. Does he lack friends and hobbies?

thelastgoldeneagle · 24/09/2021 07:54

No!! You're three months in. You should be seeing friends and doing your own thing. You've made plans and he's not even free until 9.30 - stick to your plans!!

Tell him to back off. This is a potential red flag, especially so early in a relationship.

Tresal · 24/09/2021 07:54

You arranged to meet him and he is a bit put out because you are now going out with a friend. Based on this, he is not a psycho, a controlling bastard or a clingy twat that you should ditch. People on here can go a bit OTT. Hmm However, you are reasonable to want to go out.

RedskyThisNight · 24/09/2021 08:03

There's 2 things.

Making plans with your bf and the cancelling them to go out with friends is not really on. Most people would be annoyed about this. And this doesn't make them controlling or signal red flags like a number of posters have jumped to.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to see each other 2-3 times a week. And nothing wrong with wanting to see each other more. You just sound like you want different things. I'd question whether you are compatible tbh.

BigFatLiar · 24/09/2021 08:07

You're moving at different speeds in this relationship, he sees it as much more than you do. He sees it as serious, you still see it as new almost basically friends with benefits. It does sound as if it's not doing too well, you want your space, at three months I'd still be looking forward to seeing him, sounds like you're not that bothered.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/09/2021 08:13

Thinking I'm amazing is good, being needy/controlling is not.

I think you're seeing each other a lot already when you've only been together for a few months.

Granllanog · 24/09/2021 08:21

You don't sound that into the relationship. Cancelling on him after making plans is poor form.
How old are you both?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/09/2021 08:23

Do I just give in and let him stay when he likes?

^^
Absolutely not! You do what you like and live your life. What kind of quality of time together would you have after 9.30, when he’s been working, anyway? Just sex is my guess.

This is a huge red flag in my eyes. he’s already trying to control you and limit your friendships.

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 24/09/2021 08:24

@Granllanog

She didn't/isn't.

Standrewsschool · 24/09/2021 08:35

You sound like you have been a lovely gf, cooking meals etc. Admittedly cancelling an arrangement is not so good, but the rest is absolutely fine. If you doubting the relationship so early on, it’s only been a matter of weeks, then it’s not the right one. He wants more than you can give, and not respecting your need for privacy and time by yourself.

pinkyredrose · 24/09/2021 08:36

Did he inform you that he'd come over Saturday night or did you ask him?

Standrewsschool · 24/09/2021 08:37

Incidently, you’ve done nothing wrong by not wanting more. You’re feeling smothered by him wanting to constantly see you - too much too soon, and I think you see him plenty.

Granllanog · 24/09/2021 08:46

@ SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk

It's because he said he would come over Saturday after work and then my friend asked me to go out ...so that's what's annoyed him.

Reads to me like she changed the plans and isn't really into him as a boyfriend. Doesn't sound like a relationship that is going anywhere........he might be a controlling prat or they might be mismatched.........noone on here can be sure from such limited information.

Cirin · 24/09/2021 08:58

Ick. Clingy. He's working Saturday night but still wants to moan about you going out, when you should be sitting at home awaiting his glorious return instead.

What a pompous git.

He'll be the sort who tries to tell you not to see your friends, next. "But you shouldn't need friends now that you have me," is the usual line, "What do you talk about with them that you can't talk about with me?"

Then comes the jealous rambling...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/09/2021 09:41

It’s not really “plans” with him though is it? Him popping round after work, as against an actual evening out.

Original poster
ainpynn · 24/09/2021 10:06

I didn't actually make the plans with him for Saturday.
We organised Sunday to go out for lunch then have a nice night in:
He told me "il come over Saturday night after work"
He didn't ask if I had plans etc
Then my friend asked me to go out and I asked did he mind rather than me staying home alone till half 9 alone.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 24/09/2021 14:42

@ainpynn

I didn't actually make the plans with him for Saturday. We organised Sunday to go out for lunch then have a nice night in: He told me "il come over Saturday night after work" He didn't ask if I had plans etc Then my friend asked me to go out and I asked did he mind rather than me staying home alone till half 9 alone.

OP are you alone in paying for all these lunches etc ?

it seems a lot of dining out ..

pinkyredrose · 24/09/2021 16:24

Oh well sod him then. Can't be doing with guys who think they can dictate your time.

SunshineCake1 · 24/09/2021 16:28

He clearly does mind.

Crankley · 24/09/2021 17:01

I'd run like the fucking wind. Hate clingers

This with bells on. Why would you even consider pandering to him and give in. You know what that would build to...he would be moving in.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 24/09/2021 20:06

@ainpynn

I didn't actually make the plans with him for Saturday. We organised Sunday to go out for lunch then have a nice night in: He told me "il come over Saturday night after work" He didn't ask if I had plans etc Then my friend asked me to go out and I asked did he mind rather than me staying home alone till half 9 alone.
He told you?! Absolutely fucking not. Get rid.
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