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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend wants to see me more,aibu?

76 replies

ainpynn · 23/09/2021 21:48

Been together 3 months now.
I see him 2/3 times a week and he stays at mine.
I'm happy with that but he says it's not enough.
The thing is I need my own space a few nights and I'm happy as it is.

For example Saturday night he is at work till around 9 pm and wants to come over after work (which will be half 9 ) but I want to go out for drinks with a friend and il be staying at hers.

Do I just give in and let him stay when he likes?
Aibu ?

OP posts:
DoNotGetADog · 23/09/2021 22:31

It is a bit of drip feed that you had already arranged that he would come over and then cancelled him to go out with your friend though.

PawsNotClaws · 23/09/2021 22:33

You're paying for hotels and lunches and letting him stay over at your house several times a week. And in return he's cooked once...

No wonder he's so bloody keen to keep you at his beck and call!

gannett · 23/09/2021 22:36

Personally I think 2-3 times per week after 3 months is absolutely standard and normal, and I'd want to preserve my own time/space as well.

However every time we get this problem in reverse, ie the man doesn't want to see his new girlfriend more than 2-3 times per week, hordes of MNers come along with "ooh well he must not be that into you, he's not putting you first, bin him!" Wonder why.

Frazzledmummy123 · 23/09/2021 22:52

Was he annoyed about you not wanting to see him on Saturday night or is it just he said he wanted to? If he was annoyed then it could be a red flag that he is quite needy or perhaps controlling.

However if not and it is just he is saying he wants to see you more, I wouldn't necessarily have him labelled as controlling as it sounds like things arw otherwise going ok? Boundaries do need to be set though and a discussion had about where you are both at with your expectations.

Have a chat with him and leave him in no doubt about you wanting time with your friends and time to yourself. At 3 months in (in fact, at ANY time in, but more so after only 3 months), it is perfectly acceptable to want time away from your partner.

FOJN · 23/09/2021 23:34

It's because he said he would come over Saturday after work and then my friend asked me to go out ...so that's what's annoyed him.

Did you agree to him coming over? If you did I can see why he would be annoyed when you ditched him to go it with your friend. You don't owe him your time but it's unreasonable to change plans you made for no other reason than you had a better offer.

QueenBee52 · 23/09/2021 23:37

@PawsNotClaws

You're paying for hotels and lunches and letting him stay over at your house several times a week. And in return he's cooked once...

No wonder he's so bloody keen to keep you at his beck and call!

Yip..

WhoIsPepeSilva · 23/09/2021 23:50

Red flags at worst, at best you are incompatible.

YANBU and no you should never just give someone else what they want because they pester regardless of your feelings.

timeisnotaline · 23/09/2021 23:51

I remember many years ago mentally checking out of a relationship. I didn’t end it for a little while but that was the moment with me- I had Saturday night plans with girlfriends and my boyfriend was explaining he was a bit hurt because Saturday night was our night. No it’s not, I have friends and a life.

QueenBee52 · 24/09/2021 01:30

He's angling to move in and take over your life 😳

Bombaloorina · 24/09/2021 01:35

For God’s sake, do no give in.

He expects you to sit in on. Saturday night, until he’s ready and available? Fuck that.

There are red flags all over this. He’s showing you who he is, and, I mean, come on - it’s not appealing, is it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2021 01:38

He expects you to sit in on. Saturday night, until he’s ready and available? Fuck that.

This. Don't put your life on hold for him. Certainly not three months in but actually at all.

goawaystormy · 24/09/2021 03:08

YANBU but I wouldn't say he is either.

I think all the posters jumping to red flag are abit dramatic. Some people just do relationships differently, doesn't mean either of you are wrong, sadly might just mean you're incompatible.

Some people (mnetters) are together 5+ years and still live apart and see each other 2/3 a week because they like their own space and that's what works for them.

Others see each other every night after a couple months because they take the view that if they don't have any other plans that night it's nicer to be with someone that be alone.

Both are absolutely fine. The key is finding someone who's wants and what works for them are compatible with what you want, and when they don't line up entirely you come to an easy compromise that you're both happy with.

I personally once had a relationship where I often finished work at 8/9 and would always go round to his/him come to mine after because we were both night owls and we were both of the opinion we'd rather watch tv together than alone. Now I understand some people like the space and solitude of watching tv alone, but I'm just not like that, doesn't mean either perspective are wrong.

IF he is controlling there will be other signs, don't ignore those. However I'd say this is just a sign of different expectations/places in a relationship that you need to have a light chat about and fix, it doesn't need to be some big conflict, just work out what works for you both.

Sparklfairy · 24/09/2021 03:15

A relationship is supposed to add to and enhance your existing life, not replace it!

Tbh id be getting rid. I've been dating someone for a couple of months and we see each other once a week/10 days. Its fine. We have social lives outside of each other and if he was trying to push for too much too soon I would run away.

Can you imagine what he would he like if you lived together down the line? He would sulk and strop every time you wanted to see a friend. This has all the red flags of an abusive set up- youre already thinking about "giving in" to avoid a sulk.

harrytwatter · 24/09/2021 04:37

Jesus fuck bin him now. Three months and he's a controlling whiny twat.

PRsecrets · 24/09/2021 06:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TweetyPieBird · 24/09/2021 07:00

My db had an ex gf who was a bit like this, except she was more possessive and controlling. A psycho. Why do you never stay over at his? Do you actually like him?

bumblingbovine49 · 24/09/2021 07:08

@ainpynn

Il be honest this week I probably haven't been the best GF Sunday we went out for a meal And Tuesday he cooked tea Tonight I went to the cinema with friends and tomorrow and Saturday I'm doing stuff too with friends. Sunday I've told him il treat him to Sunday lunch .

It's because he said he would come over Saturday after work and then my friend asked me to go out ...so that's what's annoyed him.

You don't sound d like you like him that much. Of course you are allowed to do what you want , particularly when a relationship is 3 months old but you agreed to him coming over than cancelled for your friend.

That to me is the warning sign, not him being unhappy you cancelled on him.

RLOU30 · 24/09/2021 07:17

I had one of these BFs age 16 -21 I ruined every single female (and male actually but they were the first to go) relationship I had. 5 years of him fake breaking up with me because I “didn’t put him first” and I finally fucked him off. I’m 33 years old now and still miss my friends. Dont do things your not comfortable in doing and certainly not 3 months after meeting this guy.

Polkadots2021 · 24/09/2021 07:20

@ainpynn

Been together 3 months now. I see him 2/3 times a week and he stays at mine. I'm happy with that but he says it's not enough. The thing is I need my own space a few nights and I'm happy as it is.

For example Saturday night he is at work till around 9 pm and wants to come over after work (which will be half 9 ) but I want to go out for drinks with a friend and il be staying at hers.

Do I just give in and let him stay when he likes?
Aibu ?

I dumped a guy once for turning up announced on a Friday night. I had stuff to do and I get claustrophobia easy with this kind of stuff. Everyone's different, for me I'd dump him but that's pretty extreme for most Grin If you love him, I'd have a nice conversation about boundaries and reassure him how much you care etc and see where that gets you.

But do NOT ever change your plans. That's a bad road to go down.

Polkadots2021 · 24/09/2021 07:23

@ainpynn

Il be honest this week I probably haven't been the best GF Sunday we went out for a meal And Tuesday he cooked tea Tonight I went to the cinema with friends and tomorrow and Saturday I'm doing stuff too with friends. Sunday I've told him il treat him to Sunday lunch .

It's because he said he would come over Saturday after work and then my friend asked me to go out ...so that's what's annoyed him.

Also 'havent been the best girlfriend', sorry OP that gives me the heebie jeebies, you're not a performing monkey meeting targets, you're a human being with a decent social life. I dunno, my already small patience with this kind of thing just run out, I'm more on the LTB wavelength now Grin
Lougle · 24/09/2021 07:24

I'd be unhappy if someone arranged something with me then changed their mind because they had a better offer, relationship or not.

thebookworm1 · 24/09/2021 07:30

To provide some balance on this thread, it sounds like he told you he was coming round and you cancelled on him to go out with a friend. I’d be hurt too.
He’s maybe looking for a committed relationship maybe, you’re looking for casual. The three months are irrelevant - I was engaged to DH by then. He’s not going too fast but you may be not looking for the same thing.

SunshineCake1 · 24/09/2021 07:36

This reminds me of when I first met my now husband. I'd already arranged to see friends for my birthday then I met him. My friend asked if I wanted to cancel our meet up to celebrate with my boyfriend of a month. I said of course not. Boyfriend would have liked to have spent my birthday with me but there was no issue at all and we had dinner a few days later for valentines anyway. If he'd have kicked off I would hope I would have put him straight.

VeganCheesePlease · 24/09/2021 07:39

@Shelddd

No, it's 3 months in live your life. There is time for compromise in a relationship but it's not 3 months in.
This!
Mantlemoose · 24/09/2021 07:39

2-3 times a week doesn't seem a lot to me, I think I'd be looking for 3-4.

It's because he said he would come over Saturday after work and then my friend asked me to go out ...so that's what's annoyed him Well yes, you had plans and you've dumped him for your friends.

I don't think you're really into your relationship.