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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stop overfilling my schedule but can’t

27 replies

Llamasally · 23/09/2021 21:23

Not sure if anyone else does this. It’s definitely worse when I’m having a low point or my depression is taking hold - I pack every minute of the day with an impossible itinerary, then spend all day rushing, stressed, late and doing a bad job of everything. Feel worse. Repeat.

I really need to break this cycle. I’m not even at work at the moment and am stressed out with all the diary planning and juggling!

Some examples of things crammed in this week on top of caring for a baby and toddler with a very limited amount of (paid) babysitting to cover the time:

  • chiropractor
  • financial advisor
  • hairdresser
  • visit in laws
  • dog to vets
  • doctors appointment
  • pilates class

Plus a seemingly endless stream of admin jobs done on my phone all through the day.

Obviously some of this is ‘nice’ and for me, I could just not do it and this is the obvious answer. But lots of it isn’t and even when it is ‘optional’ I keep constantly filling my day up and up. I make an effort not to l, then I think ‘oh I must do X, Y, Z’, book it all in a frenzy and next thing I know I’m back to square one.

Is this just modern life or am I BU??

OP posts:
Tryingtogetitright · 23/09/2021 21:26

Following with interest as I do exactly the same. Not sure if it's related but I've recently self-diagnosed with adult ADHD... maybe have a look and see if that sounds like you too? I am trying so hard to keep on top of life but find the constant demands totally overwhelming.

finova · 23/09/2021 21:28

I do too.
I sign the kids up for hobbies which are beneficial and days out.
I feel like I never stop running around though.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 23/09/2021 21:30

I bought a very small diary... That way only a few things can get 'booked in'..
I can see at a glance if the day is too busy to add anything else!
Works for me!

Original poster
Llamasally · 23/09/2021 21:44

Lol @Brollywasntneededafterall 😂 maybe a daily post it note instead of A4 paper 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 23/09/2021 21:47

Blimey this is me, I never realised Shock

SandraGreen · 23/09/2021 21:48

YABU as this is a choice you are making.

Did you grow up thinking being constantly busy was virtuous? Are you running away from a situation you don't want to deal with at home? Do you feel comfortable when it's just you and DC relaxed at home?

I refuse invitations if I am already booked up - you don't have to say yes to everything. Or say yes, but you can't do it on Tuesday, but Thursday would be good?

The other stuff just needs spreading about more evenly.

TractorAndHeadphones · 23/09/2021 22:07

I do this too - booking actual ‘free time’ in your diary helps.
Also spread tasks over the week - if you need to do X things this week that’s it and anything else goes on the backlog. Leave room in your planning and stick religiously to the ‘free time’ slot

Original poster
Llamasally · 24/09/2021 07:00

Well I’m glad to see it’s not just me at least.

@SandraGreen yes I suppose this is a trait from parenting - always had to be doing, doing, doing. Not allowed to rest or do something fun until everything is done. Problem is it never is ‘done’ is it, there is always something.

When I’m working I book free time in my calendar, when ‘free time’ is looking after 2 small children it doesn’t really feel like that. I suppose that’s why going to have nails and hair done etc feels like free time. But it isn’t because it’s an obligation to get there on time, look presentable, arrange childcare and get everything ready for them in advance etc. Begin to doubt if it’s worth it after all that, but that’s what everyone tells you to do to get a break! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Llamasally · 24/09/2021 07:01

@TractorAndHeadphones that’s good in theory but as I have to book a babysitter to do anything it ends up complicated and expensive 😞

OP posts:
QuiltedHippo · 24/09/2021 07:04

Do you have a partner, you mention inlaws, are they doing their fair share? Fair enough they can't get your hair cut but ferrying kids around, vet, financial advisor etc

Polkadots2021 · 24/09/2021 07:10

@Llamasally

Not sure if anyone else does this. It’s definitely worse when I’m having a low point or my depression is taking hold - I pack every minute of the day with an impossible itinerary, then spend all day rushing, stressed, late and doing a bad job of everything. Feel worse. Repeat.

I really need to break this cycle. I’m not even at work at the moment and am stressed out with all the diary planning and juggling!

Some examples of things crammed in this week on top of caring for a baby and toddler with a very limited amount of (paid) babysitting to cover the time:

  • chiropractor
  • financial advisor
  • hairdresser
  • visit in laws
  • dog to vets
  • doctors appointment
  • pilates class

Plus a seemingly endless stream of admin jobs done on my phone all through the day.

Obviously some of this is ‘nice’ and for me, I could just not do it and this is the obvious answer. But lots of it isn’t and even when it is ‘optional’ I keep constantly filling my day up and up. I make an effort not to l, then I think ‘oh I must do X, Y, Z’, book it all in a frenzy and next thing I know I’m back to square one.

Is this just modern life or am I BU??

From a exercise science perspective, you're addicted to stress (which can be positive or negative stress but it's still am addiction). We call it hurry sickness. It's common these days.

You get a hit off the adrenaline, cortisol and dopamine 'ticking off' things or at least your brain does but like all addictions it's something you need not want so as you are now experiencing it's not making you happy.

Fixes: you need to stop giving in to the need for a little scheduling hit by deciding on a brutal limit and stopping when you use up your schedules (or whatever you want to call them).

Find something basic away from tech (which always makes it worse, it's a validation thing, seeing it in your calendar online), as your daily goal like simply half hour walk or half hour workout in your garden. Exercise helps dissipate the stress hormones your brain needs to use up at the mo.

Try to find a new hobby that you can get into. The goal is it directs your mind, gives you the pleasure, stops the small things and over scheduling. It can comfortably gently take up little or lots of time in an unpressured way, like adding dye to water, just gently adding itself to your life in a cool way without the need for a schedule.

Polkadots2021 · 24/09/2021 07:13

Also don't worry about what you can't control, if you've used up your scheduled times, just say no and meh, let other people take up the slack. If they don't the ceiling will not fall in and the sun will still rise tomorrow.

LeonoraFlorence · 24/09/2021 07:14

I do this. Constantly booking things/planning things then wondering why we are always so constantly busy. Then I feel guilty that we don’t spend enough time at home! I think it has some sort of deep rooted meaning but I’m not sure yet what it is.

SkankingMopoke · 24/09/2021 07:23

I also do this. I like being busy, but have a tendency to over-do it at times. Things that have made it better is, like a PP, booking time off in my diary both in the school hols/at weekends (as down time for me and DCs) and during my working week. The working week time is particularly important as I'm self employed and although the time isn't down time as such, it is crucial (but largely unchargeable) admin/picking up materials/overrun time. It takes a lot of discipline not to book more paid work into that 'free' time, but without it I'm frazzled, catching up on weekends/into the evening, and having to take my DCs with me after school to pick up materials.
Do you have a DP/DH? If so, where are they in this? Some of these jobs need to be handed over, ideally ones that are self contained so you can let go of the mental load for it too. The trip to the vet would be a good example of this. DH has now taken on the annual vet trip and purchasing DCat's special food (that I can't get in the supermarket). A small job, but it all helps take the pressure off.

maddening · 24/09/2021 07:26

Tbh if that is a list over a week it doesn't seem too bad.

Stuffragette · 24/09/2021 07:26

My therapist taught me a trick. On a4 paper write down all the days of the week along the top then split it into morning and afternoon. Then write in from the previous week everything you did.

Then on each day take two things out and replace with 'drink a cup of tea or read the paper for 20 minutes or Mumsnet!'

It really worked for me although it sounds stupidly simple. I found the more I did the worse my anxiety got. I thought I was keeping busy to escape my anxiety but actually it was making it worse. I don't know if that helps but I really sympathise

Original poster
Llamasally · 24/09/2021 07:38

@Polkadots2021 that sounds exactly it.

I do have a hobby/sport and usually don’t get this feeling around that. But you are spot on with the tick list mentality and adrenaline. I’ll look into this further.

OP posts:
Lougle · 24/09/2021 07:39

I don't think that's particularly busy, tbh. If I think of this week I have school runs both ends of the day, I visit my parents every day (mum is disabled), then I have 13 appointments/commitments throughout the week.

Yesterday I did the school run, visited my parents, had a meeting at a school I govern, then went to a town 10 miles away for an orthodontic appointment with DD2, drove her home, picked up DD3 and drove her to a town 10 miles away, met a friend for dinner, then picked up DD3 and drove her home.

I think as long as you have it all marked in with plenty of leeway for mishaps, it's ok. It's when you try to slot a 1 hour appointment into 30 minutes that you get in trouble.

Original poster
Llamasally · 24/09/2021 07:39

@Stuffragette I like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Llamasally · 24/09/2021 07:41

DH is working stupidly long hours at the moment so most things are on me, especially with me being off work

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 24/09/2021 07:42

Begin by blocking out regular time slots.
Those time slots are filled and not available except for genuine emergencies. Be very strict on this!
Then other stuff gets scheduled around these blocked out slots and you have a less hectic schedule
Adding blocks of 'booked' slots may work better for you than trying to keep them empty if you see what I mean.

Underamour · 24/09/2021 07:44

I do this. If there’s an hour of time unaccounted for I have to fill it with something. There’s always something more I can do. Partly this is necessity- I have alot on my plate. Partly I think if I have the time- why not fill it with fun, laughter, doing something positive for society? But, in answer to your question society does seem to value people who are busy more highly, influencers and celebs always have packed schedules- busy is associated with exciting. The problem is- if you get tired or feel unwell busy can be a nightmare of demands on your time when you just want to heal. If you think you are overdoing it- slow down!

Breadpapercone · 24/09/2021 07:55

I do this. I forget to factor in any rest time at all.

JazzerMcCreary · 24/09/2021 07:57

Tbh I find sitting around with the toddlers tedious and would prefer to have lots of plans and feel a bit stressed.

BakeOffRewatch · 24/09/2021 07:58

@Polkadots2021 I love this response, thank you!

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