DH not supportive of uni studies

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 2021-09-23T10:49:43+00:00

Trying to keep this vague but with enough detail. I was a secondary school teacher until covid made life and childcare very difficult. My youngest dd had a regression in skills and was having lots of medical intervention to find out what was wrong, was clearly very developmentally delayed and the grandparents we relied on for childcare were unwilling to continue due to being vulnerable to covid. It was an extremely difficult decision but I left my job. I no longer felt as a career that it worked around a family with additional needs, but as I'd been defined by my job as a teacher for so long I didn't want to give up on career/employment aspirations altogether. I enrolled on a part time course in allied health at my local uni, on the basis that when finally qualified (6 years) things would be more settled with dd, grandparents were happy to continue childcare as course was online. Shortly before covid, DH started his own company, which was immediately and still is, very successful. So he had no proper whatsoever in me quitting my job, in fact he encouraged it as having me around all the time made life easier for everyone, leaving him to focus on work etc. I finished my first year in May and did really well. Starting year 2 next week. Obviously as the covid situation has improved uni is face to face this year which means I'll be out of the house 2 days per week. Here's the thing. DH is totally unsupportive. Says I have no need to do this course, he is very successful in business and I don't need to work or retrain. It's going to be a hassle when I've got to be out early and back late. When dd hasn't slept and I'm moaning cos I've got coursework to do he'll have no sympathy as I'm choosing to do this and it's 'like a hobby'. I ignored his attitude last year and like I say did really well. But there are another 5 years to go, and he has made it clear he resents me doing it and will not help me if it impacts him. Both dds have additional needs so childcare is hard to come by so I'm relying on grandparents which seems really unfair. AIBU to be so disappointed with his lack of support?

Chamomileteaplease · 23/09/2021 11:55

So in your husband's eyes, he gets to have an exciting and fulfilling work life but you aren't meant to have any at all??

Whilst I think your argument isn't 100% due to the fact that you are not earning money, it does seem very unkind of your husband not to support you for two paltry days a week, and term time only presumably!

You are unable to do your normal job and presumably this course is giving you hope for the future and keeping you sane in the present?

IMO he is an arse and I would wonder why he is so keen to see me struggle - would he really rather you were the housekeeper with no other interests?

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2021 12:06

Yeah id be damn disappointed.

It sounds as if you are both so busy you've lost touch with each other a bit. Can you find a day to go out for a long walk and a pub lunch or similar (grandparents again!) and talk about your personal and family goals?

Maybe your dh needs a big shout out from you about his success; he must have been scared, both about the chances of success but also about your dd's issues. Well, his risk taking has paid off in spades. That's fantastic. But clearly he thought that would 'free' you to be at home full time. Well, that was never your goal (quite rightly). But maybe hd heard that your retraining was to help you have more flexible work and be at home more, and he's just thinking well, the money is dealt with, she can be at home, why doesn't she want that? Why is she complaining?

If you have a passion for the new career, let it show a bit. And ask him whether he would want to be at home full-time if you earned more. Would that really be his goal in life?

It sounds to me as if having more professional childcare might be a good thing. But don't assume that; maybe the grandparents are loving it. It does sound as if you have immense difficulty saying that you, just you, are worthy of a life gst fulfils you. As soon as something is for you, you start saying it's actually for something else. Well, you deserve to follow a professional path and be fulfilled and have interesting work as well as have children, just like he does.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 23/09/2021 12:27

Point out that if you left him, he would be paying cm, and parenting solo during his access time which is generally at least two days a week... And making his own meals, and cleaning his home, and doing his laundry...

GoodnightGrandma · 23/09/2021 12:30

So he wants you to be a housewife. I don’t think so.
Just carry on or tell him that you’ll divorce and he can have the kids 50% of the time.

AGreenerShadeofKale · 23/09/2021 12:33

Keep on pointing out the long term benefits. Broken record style.

Howshouldibehave · 23/09/2021 12:33

What’s the course-what job will it give you at the end? Why doesn’t he want you to do it?

trevthecat · 23/09/2021 12:37

I couldn't stay with someone who would go out of their way to ruin something I wanted. Which he is doing by being so unsupportive and saying he won't help in anyway if it impacts him. He doesn't think your wants are important or worthy

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 23/09/2021 12:37

@PermanentTemporary

Yeah id be damn disappointed.

It sounds as if you are both so busy you've lost touch with each other a bit. Can you find a day to go out for a long walk and a pub lunch or similar (grandparents again!) and talk about your personal and family goals?

Maybe your dh needs a big shout out from you about his success; he must have been scared, both about the chances of success but also about your dd's issues. Well, his risk taking has paid off in spades. That's fantastic. But clearly he thought that would 'free' you to be at home full time. Well, that was never your goal (quite rightly). But maybe hd heard that your retraining was to help you have more flexible work and be at home more, and he's just thinking well, the money is dealt with, she can be at home, why doesn't she want that? Why is she complaining?

If you have a passion for the new career, let it show a bit. And ask him whether he would want to be at home full-time if you earned more. Would that really be his goal in life?

It sounds to me as if having more professional childcare might be a good thing. But don't assume that; maybe the grandparents are loving it. It does sound as if you have immense difficulty saying that you, just you, are worthy of a life gst fulfils you. As soon as something is for you, you start saying it's actually for something else. Well, you deserve to follow a professional path and be fulfilled and have interesting work as well as have children, just like he does.

YANBU at all to be disappointed. I think this PP has given you some excellent advice though. I hope you're able to have a productive conversation and move forward together.

SpacePotato · 23/09/2021 12:39

So Billy Big Balls gets to run a successful business and expects you to ignore your own needs? He thinks he is far too important to take care of his children or do any 'wifework'

It might be awkward with childcare etc but he should be supporting you.

dreamingbohemian · 23/09/2021 12:39

How awful of him

What does he say if you say to him: why won't you look after your own children 2 days a week?

Does he realise what a shit parent and husband it makes him sound like?

It's incredibly risky to have only one parent working, what if his business fails or something happens to him

That said, 6 years is a very long time, do you think he would be more amenable with a shorter course?

Wombat96 · 23/09/2021 12:42

Don't let him suck the joy out of this, should be interesting & exciting.

Did you support his business? Remind him...

Original poster

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 12:47

Thanks for the replies.
To answer some questions. He said he'd be more than happy to be a full time carer to the kids if someone else was taking care of the financial responsibilities. Easy to say, I don't think for one minute this is actually true.

He thinks money trumps everything. So because he is bringing in the money, I should be responsible for everything else. He does do household chores, but eg if I've been up for several hours in the night I'm expected to get on with it because it's not like I need to work.

He would be even more unhappy if I did a shorter course as it would be full time and he would have to step up.

I'm aware I'm making him sound awful. It isn't all bad. Eldest dd was on a reduced timetable all of last year and he works from home, so had to try and squeeze his working hours into the hours she was at school as she's so loud and demanding when here it was very difficult to work once she was home. So he gets very stressed at having to curtail his working day.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 23/09/2021 12:50

Are you enjoying the course? Or, if you could and he would support you, would you go back to teaching? Is that your ultimate aim?

Original poster

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 12:54

@PermanentTemporary no I need a new career. I loved teaching when I was younger and childfree but uts just not compatible with a difficult family life. Definitely time for a change

OP posts:

marykitty · 23/09/2021 13:26

Sorry i did not get who is watching the DC while you are at Uni? Childcare or him?

Original poster

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 13:29

@marykitty

Sorry i did not get who is watching the DC while you are at Uni? Childcare or him?

Nursery/school and then grandparents

OP posts:

ProudAlly · 23/09/2021 13:55

Does DH have a degree OP?

HeckyPeck · 23/09/2021 14:01

When he says he won't help you if it impacts him what does that mean? Is it that he won't look after his own children if you are at uni/revising? If so, that isn't helping you isn't being a parent.

He doesn't get to decide that you have to do all the childcare and parenting!

I think a serious conversation is needed.

Generallystruggling · 23/09/2021 14:01

My DH decided to do a second degree a couple of years ago, he’s just about to begin his final year. Biggest strain he ever placed on our family and I resent him for it because it was largely unnecessary. Sounds different to yours though because whilst he only does one actual day a week at uni, he’s working most weekends on assignments and constantly stressing about deadlines. It’s an awful feeling to dread an entire year of your life but I am dreading the next year and I’m unsure whether our marriage will survive.

Sounds like a different set up in your home though because your DH isn’t caring for your DC and doing all of the housework alone while you do it like I am. Why does he dislike you doing it so much?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 23/09/2021 14:05

He seems to like you dependent on him, OP!

He gets the benefits of free childcare, housework done and suchlike and he gets to keep his career momentum and any pension.

Nah.

HeckyPeck · 23/09/2021 14:05

I'm aware I'm making him sound awful. It isn't all bad. Eldest dd was on a reduced timetable all of last year and he works from home, so had to try and squeeze his working hours into the hours she was at school as she's so loud and demanding when here it was very difficult to work once she was home. So he gets very stressed at having to curtail his working day.

Even this OP isn't him actually helping or benefitting anyone else but himself. Just that he had to shorten his working day and then felt stressed about it. I'd thought you were going to say something like when she was on a reduced timetable he stepped up and helped her with homework etc.

He does sound very selfish. And a bit self-important by being all about his important money making job.

Original poster

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 14:28

@Generallystruggling

My DH decided to do a second degree a couple of years ago, he’s just about to begin his final year. Biggest strain he ever placed on our family and I resent him for it because it was largely unnecessary. Sounds different to yours though because whilst he only does one actual day a week at uni, he’s working most weekends on assignments and constantly stressing about deadlines. It’s an awful feeling to dread an entire year of your life but I am dreading the next year and I’m unsure whether our marriage will survive.

Sounds like a different set up in your home though because your DH isn’t caring for your DC and doing all of the housework alone while you do it like I am. Why does he dislike you doing it so much?

This does sound tough! Is he working as well? If so I suppose it's tough for him as he doesn't get any down time. If he's not working then why on earth isn't he studying in the week so you can have family time at the weekend?

I won't be 'allowed' any time on the weekends to study as it wouldn't be fair to expect him to entertain both kids on his own. When I have to do it it is because he is working so that is different. Apparently.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 23/09/2021 14:58

This is really not good.

I couldn't disagree more with the PP who suggests you should big up his contribution to make him feel better.

A decent human being would be understanding more about your side of this and being glad that you have something to help you stay sane in the face of your parenting load.

It's not just about money. You are a human being too.

I'd honestly spend some time with legal advice to set out what would happen if your divorced. Not to threaten but to show how much you are already contributing and how his life could be a lot worse if you cracked up.

Good luck, hope it doesn't come to that.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 23/09/2021 16:10

He thinks money trumps everything. So because he is bringing in the money, I should be responsible for everything else. He does do household chores, but eg if I've been up for several hours in the night I'm expected to get on with it because it's not like I need to work.

There are many different, equally important contributions that need to be made for family life to run smoothly (earning money, doing childcare, doing chores, doing life admin etc.). You don't necessarily need to be doing precisely half of each category for it to be "fair". The best measure of fairness in a relationship is equal leisure time (including equal sleep, if you've been up in the night then he should do the early starts and/or you should have nice long lie ins at the weekend!).

I won't be 'allowed' any time on the weekends to study as it wouldn't be fair to expect him to entertain both kids on his own. When I have to do it it is because he is working so that is different. Apparently.

He sounds like a complete arse. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you as a person. Does he think you are doing this degree for funsies? Is the point not for it to lead to a new career? Why is he the only one allowed to aim for a fulfilling work life?

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 23/09/2021 16:19

I don't like the sound of this guy at all. He doesn't seem to consider you or your career at all, just like you are an appliance to make his life easier.

You need to put a rocket up his arse, refuse to accept this bullshit.

I would never be happy as a FT SAHM, some people are and that's fine, but it is not for everyone. Why is your life, your goals, your ambitions less important than his? Why should he be exempt from boring household tasks?

He is only thinking about himself.