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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not supportive of uni studies

37 replies

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 11:49

Trying to keep this vague but with enough detail.

I was a secondary school teacher until covid made life and childcare very difficult. My youngest dd had a regression in skills and was having lots of medical intervention to find out what was wrong, was clearly very developmentally delayed and the grandparents we relied on for childcare were unwilling to continue due to being vulnerable to covid. It was an extremely difficult decision but I left my job. I no longer felt as a career that it worked around a family with additional needs, but as I'd been defined by my job as a teacher for so long I didn't want to give up on career/employment aspirations altogether. I enrolled on a part time course in allied health at my local uni, on the basis that when finally qualified (6 years) things would be more settled with dd, grandparents were happy to continue childcare as course was online.

Shortly before covid, DH started his own company, which was immediately and still is, very successful. So he had no proper whatsoever in me quitting my job, in fact he encouraged it as having me around all the time made life easier for everyone, leaving him to focus on work etc.

I finished my first year in May and did really well. Starting year 2 next week. Obviously as the covid situation has improved uni is face to face this year which means I'll be out of the house 2 days per week.

Here's the thing. DH is totally unsupportive. Says I have no need to do this course, he is very successful in business and I don't need to work or retrain. It's going to be a hassle when I've got to be out early and back late. When dd hasn't slept and I'm moaning cos I've got coursework to do he'll have no sympathy as I'm choosing to do this and it's 'like a hobby'.

I ignored his attitude last year and like I say did really well. But there are another 5 years to go, and he has made it clear he resents me doing it and will not help me if it impacts him. Both dds have additional needs so childcare is hard to come by so I'm relying on grandparents which seems really unfair.

AIBU to be so disappointed with his lack of support?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/09/2021 16:29

If it's a part time course surely the independent study bit gets done when kids are at school and nursery? We're only talking part time if it's over 6 years surely? I don't see why it eats into the weekend. Or could you defer year until both kids are at school, you'd have plenty of time then.

RandomMess · 23/09/2021 16:50

He is being quite horrid.

So he doesn't think he should ever look after his DC solo ever? You don't deserve any down time?

As an aside could you do open university?

Original poster
ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 16:53

@RedHelenB

If it's a part time course surely the independent study bit gets done when kids are at school and nursery? We're only talking part time if it's over 6 years surely? I don't see why it eats into the weekend. Or could you defer year until both kids are at school, you'd have plenty of time then.
Youngest goes to nursery 9-11.30. No option to extend those hours as it is a special nursery and that's all they do. Eldest was only doing mornings at school until this school year. That hardly gives any time whatsoever?
OP posts:
RedHelenB · 23/09/2021 17:51

I'd ask to defer a year I think.

ChargingBuck · 23/09/2021 18:42

Says I have no need to do this course, he is very successful in business and I don't need to work or retrain.

Cheeky fucker.
Explain to him in robust language that you are not his appendage, & he doesn't get to vote on how you manage your training & career.

As for the "like a hobby" gibe ... how dare he?
How would the patronising cunt enjoy being told his business is just a hobby?

& yeah, I know, he'd pull out the But I Earn All The Money card. Forgetting that everything you do in the home & for the DC is also WORK. And without ever stopping to consider that maybe his wife's career is equally valid, & she needs support with the huge commitment of 6 years of study.

The kind of support that he no doubt enjoyed from his wife, when he chose to go self-employed & built up his business.

It's a hideous attitude OP & YANBU to be frustrated & disappointed in him.

ChargingBuck · 23/09/2021 18:48

@RedHelenB

I'd ask to defer a year I think.
How would that help?

Is DH going to magically change his stinking attitude in a year?

RandomMess · 23/09/2021 18:49

Tell him needs to start paying into your personal pension whilst he's not letting you earn.

Hont1986 · 23/09/2021 19:20

So he had no proper whatsoever in me quitting my job, in fact he encouraged it as having me around all the time made life easier for everyone, leaving him to focus on work etc.

It does sound like the agreement for you to quit your job came with the understanding that he would do all the work outside of the home as long as you took care of all the work inside the home. That isn't an unfair split, in my opinion.

But now what he is hearing is that you not only want him to WOH full-time, but you want him to do all the SAH work as well for two out five weekdays, possibly for the next five years.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 23/09/2021 19:31

What exactly do you want him to do? Looking after the children for a few hours on a weekend he should step up. Dropping a days work for childcare whilst you are at uni not so sure. Depends how much this would impact his work and your finances.

Embracelife · 23/09/2021 19:34

If his business is doing so well pay carer /nanny

LeVe him in charge of dc more

Original poster
ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 19:35

@Hont1986

So he had no proper whatsoever in me quitting my job, in fact he encouraged it as having me around all the time made life easier for everyone, leaving him to focus on work etc.

It does sound like the agreement for you to quit your job came with the understanding that he would do all the work outside of the home as long as you took care of all the work inside the home. That isn't an unfair split, in my opinion.

But now what he is hearing is that you not only want him to WOH full-time, but you want him to do all the SAH work as well for two out five weekdays, possibly for the next five years.

Um no, I'm not asking him to be SAHP 2 days per week, I'm asking for support so picking up a child from school once a week, getting the tea on on that day would be nice, plus taking the kids out for a couple of hours on the weekend occasionally if I have a deadline. I'm not sure how that equates to taking on all SAH duties twice a week?
OP posts:
Original poster
ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 23/09/2021 19:39

@sweeneytoddsrazor

What exactly do you want him to do? Looking after the children for a few hours on a weekend he should step up. Dropping a days work for childcare whilst you are at uni not so sure. Depends how much this would impact his work and your finances.
I'd like him to support me and encourage me. I thought that's what partners did. Not roll his eyes when I run through the childcare arrangements for my first day back and tell me he doesn't know why I'm bothering Sad
OP posts:
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