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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter has just started driving

55 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 22/09/2021 15:37

DD aged 21 has just bought her first car and is driving for the first time since taking her test over 3 years ago. She’s away at uni now after the summer doing a postgrad course. She’s a bit nervous but gaining in confidence. AIBU to ask her to message me when she’s reached her destination after a long journey (she’s doing a 4 hour trip to Cornwall this weekend for eg). Or just rely on the fact that if anything bad happened, the police would contact us. Don’t want to be too much of a helicopter mum.

OP posts:
Etinox · 22/09/2021 16:15

If you both have iPhones, put find friends on. My whole (extended) family have it. We don’t use it to stalk each other, it’s mainly for meeting trains etc, checking people have got home after long journeys etc.

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2021 16:21

I would say it’s not weird if someone is leaving your house to go on a long journey - text me when you get home, give three rings etc.

But it is weird to ask to be contacted if they’re leaving from a different place - you say she’s at uni so I’d find that odd. She should let a flatmate know, if anyone. I would find it intrusive to have to text my far-away parents every time I did a journey.

Mothersister · 22/09/2021 16:31

@ExConstance it’s really not unreasonable. As a road collision investigator believe me accidents frequently happen.

Our daughters are adults and they and my partner and I still text each other to let the other one know we’ve arrived somewhere after a long journey.

Your mother was just being a caring parent.

TheLadySif · 22/09/2021 16:53

My DS is 31. He always messages me when he reaches his destination on long trips. I expect he rolls his eyes while doing it though. There are probably loads of trips he doesn’t tell me about so he doesn’t have to bother.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 22/09/2021 17:12

Good point @NoSquirrels, if she’s not going to/from our house it might seem a bit odd. Think I’ll just make sure her flat mates know what she’s up to. I still have to call my 90 year old mum when I get home from hers 😊

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 22/09/2021 17:15

If she's OK to do it then fine. I asked my dd to text me she'd arrived under similar circumstances. She didn't but she texted about something else so I knew she was OK. A year or so on and she's got really confident and I feel she's improved loafs when she drives me around. She's much better than me at navigating too.

WoozySnoozy · 22/09/2021 17:18

Id maybe message and ask how the journey was at a time that you think she would have got there + 1hr.

FellInLoveWithABanana · 22/09/2021 17:20

I ask everyone to text me when they are home safely - 5 minutes or 5 hours away

HitchhikersGuide · 22/09/2021 17:21

DP and I message each other after a long journey to say all OK! We're in our 50s 😂. Until my mum got dementia I always used to phone her too to tell her is arrived somewhere safely 😂 I think it's quite normal, but maybe I'm a bit helicoptery generally!

51Pegasusb · 22/09/2021 17:31

Almost 50 and live in a different country to my Mum. Doesn't matter if I have driven or flown there I always text her to let her know I'm home safely !
Years ago when I was a teenager we used to do 3 rings on the landline.
My oldest teens always let me know they've arrived at their destination or if they're going to be late.

Vickim03 · 22/09/2021 17:33

I let my mum know tho she’s never asked. But I’m conscious that we lost my sister in a car crash so i am more conscious of it. If I haven’t txt that weve arrived usually update her with what we’ve done or send a pic of the kids on our hols. Im 35! It took the police hours after my sister accident to contact them. But their main concern was getting her safe to hospital firstly before looking into contact info.

2pinkginsplease · 22/09/2021 17:35

I’m in my 40’s and still text my mum when we go on holiday so that she knows we have arrived safely and vice versa.

Even if I’m at her house in the evening and drive the 7minutes home she likes me to text to say I’m home. That’s just mums for you!

Fluffypastelslippers · 22/09/2021 17:38

Think I’ll just make sure her flat mates know what she’s up to.

Please don't do this. She is an adult and if she isn't happy to drop you a text when she is going places she is going to be less happy if she is made to report her movements to her flat mates

Akire · 22/09/2021 17:42

I text family if I’ve been visit as it’s 3h drive always nice to know either one of us has got back safe and not stuck traffic 6h or anything

Justlovedogs · 22/09/2021 17:44

I would still call or text my mum to let her know I was OK right up until her dementia meant she didn't remember I was going somewhere. I was mid-40s by that point so I don't think YABU!

hellcatspangle · 22/09/2021 17:58

I still tell my two adult dc to let me know when they've arrived (they don't always remember to do so)

Is she doing any practice before going on that long trip? One of mine only bought a car three years after passing test and did quite a bit of local driving with me in the passenger seat before heading off on any long journeys.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 22/09/2021 18:02

She got quite a lot of driving in over the last couple of weeks and has done some motorway driving on her own too. Not much but better than nothing.

OP posts:
galacticpixels · 22/09/2021 18:02

DP and I both text our parents when we're arriving to and from long journeys. They text us too and they're in their 60s and 70s.

line123eyesalways · 22/09/2021 18:03

I always text my mum/DSIS once I get home or to my destination. I've been driving 8 years!

FinallyHere · 22/09/2021 18:03

Don’t want to be too much of a helicopter mum.

Then I really wouldn't expect to know when and where DD21 was driving.

After an initial trial session with my parents, which was not successful, my parents had no idea when I took my test or where I was driving. They didn't even notice I had removed the L plates from the car when I next picked them up in my car.

In her last years, my mother became increasingly anxious about me when I was driving home after visiting her, a journey of a good few hours often disrupted by the things that happen. She would get very unsettled.

In the end, I learned to ring her from my mobile within an hour of setting off. It was very sad but it did stop her fretting (somewhat).

Don't be that parent. It's good for your daughter to be independent and get herself out of any situations without worrying you.

line123eyesalways · 22/09/2021 18:04

Forgot to add, after a long journey.. not a 5 minute drive, I think they'd get quite annoyed with that haha

TheFairyCaravan · 22/09/2021 18:08

My two are 24&26 and still text us to let us know they’ve arrived where they’re meant to be going. I text my mum and my mil too. It only takes a second to give peace of mind, doesn’t it?

Thatsplentyjack · 22/09/2021 18:09

People on mn are so weird, it's like once your child hits 18 that's it! Don't ever ask them to have any communication with you at all. It's their life and you shouldn't expect to know any detail about it at all. Here in the real world, my mum still says "let me know when you get there" if we are doing a big journey somewhere and we are over 30, have 3 kids and have both been driving for years, so I think its fine OP.

SunSeaSurfGin · 22/09/2021 19:27

I passed my test at 22 and got a car not long after. I was never expected to text parents after every journey perhaps after a rare long journey 100 miles plus but never an expectation.

Justlovedogs · 22/09/2021 21:45

@Justlovedogs

I would still call or text my mum to let her know I was OK right up until her dementia meant she didn't remember I was going somewhere. I was mid-40s by that point so I don't think YABU!
I meant for long journeys, too, not everywhere I went... Smile