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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too go to hen do?

51 replies

again2020 · 22/09/2021 13:27

Hi all. Pull up a chair Brew Cake

Some of you might remember my post from a couple of weeks ago...my SIL (partner's sister) had not asked me to be in her bridal party and I felt like I was the only one excluded as every other SIL- not sisters as she doesn't have them; but her other brothers partners and grooms sisters- were all asked.
Obviously this is her decision, her wedding, but the secretive way it was handled was difficult and the fall out has not been good.
Some members of partner's family have (unknown to me at the time) blamed MIL and tried to defend me. MIL has huge problems with me for a couple of years, massive back story here regarding my MH and arguments between her and DM when my DD was a toddler.
I've seen MIL a few times since and she obviously feels some kind of friction as she has told me exactly what she thinks of me and my family, told me I need to act as if my parents are dead Sad and generally ranted at me. All in front of DD. Generally a huge mess.

I got added to a chat group by another SIL (not bride to be) about hen do details. She is having two do's. Won't go into full details due to outing but it is in a place abroad I have been to several times and will be quite costly.

I haven't replied as yet.

Reasons not to go:
I'm generally not wanted by SIL (bride to be) who has not spoken to me about any of this directly, I imagine people won't want to share a room with me etc, the cost, being away from DD, MIL might start shouting at me after a few drinks.

Reasons to go: Might smooth things over, show I am making an effort and not bothered about being the only one not involved in wedding party.

So YABU- I should attend
YANBU- I should not attend.

Thanks so much!

OP posts:
Matilda1981 · 22/09/2021 13:30

In all honesty it boils down to whether you actually want to go and if you can afford it!

Brollywasntneededafterall · 22/09/2021 13:30

Being obviously excluded from the wedding party and the blatant fact they don't like you for whatever reason op-why would you even consider giving the occasion your time or money? Bet it could both be better spent elsewhere?
Send a card and wish them (her dh!) well. Sounds like he is gonna need it...

olympicsrock · 22/09/2021 13:50

You are really sorry but you can’t make it.

traintraveller · 22/09/2021 13:54

If they don't want you to go why would you?

Thehop · 22/09/2021 13:58

Feck em I’d be going away with my partner and baby

Scrapper142 · 22/09/2021 13:59

Having read some of your previous posts I don't know why you're bothering to put the emotional energy into this situation. Put it in to leaving and getting away from the lot of them.

PrincessNutella · 22/09/2021 14:01

100 percent be too busy that particular weekend--do not give it a second thought.

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/09/2021 14:04

Go if you want to go.

Don't go if its just a duty or you can't afford it.

PlonkyWillyWonky · 22/09/2021 14:11

Sit it out, it's all too much of a drama

GemmaRuby · 22/09/2021 14:16

Definitely don’t go. Don’t spend your money and time on having a potentially awkward/stressful/unpleasant experience.

And if they don’t like you that much anyway then it will probably be more pleasant for everyone if you don’t go.

You have no obligation to go, you’re not a bridesmaid.

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 14:16

You're overthinking OP, which given the batshittery that goes on with your IL family, isn't surprising.

You gave a few examples of reasons not to go. They are all valid.
Now have another look at your ONE reason to go:

Reasons to go: Might smooth things over, show I am making an effort and not bothered about being the only one not involved in wedding party.

You've had years of things not being smooth, any efforts you've previously made to smooth them have been rejected, hen do's & weddings are high-stakes opportunities for people to manufacture drama ... but you think you showing your face is going to help smooth things over this time?

Whether you make an effort or not makes no odds to the eventual outcomes.
SiL doesn't much care for you, I dare say that's mutual, & MiL enjoys shouting at you no matter what you try to do to keep the peace.
So how does showing your face this time be any different?

You have no need to "show them" you are not bothered by being the only one left out of the wedding party. I remember your previously thread, & it's entirely reasonable to have felt upset over the exclusion, & the sneaky & deliberate way it was handled. You're better off coming to terms with that upset yourself than proving it to anyone else.
You surely know that SiL or MiL will engineer some kind of dramatics at the hen & wedding. Why put yourself in the firing line?

Don't bother with showing them you are unbothered.
Just decide you are unbothered, & can't be arsed to go.

They'll bitch about it, but they would also bitch about it if you went.
So why turn up, to witness any more unpleasantness in person?

Ditch the whole bloody dog&pony show, it's not worth the harrassment & worry.

EggSheeran · 22/09/2021 14:19

My SIL and I don't get on, we haven't spoken for years. She invited me to her baby shower and I declined (partly because I can't fucking stand baby showers anyway) and I invited her on my hen party and she declined (thank fuck!). We both invited each other out of politeness.

If it's well known amongst the family that there are issues can't you just politely decline with a fake excuse? Can't afford it, haven't got enough holiday, yadda yadda...

Yes they'll know you're making excuses but it just makes things a lot easier for all involved and they'll probably be just as grateful as you that the peace can just be kept.

EggSheeran · 22/09/2021 14:21

P.s I read your other post the other day regarding the bridesmaid situation and frankly it's cuntish to have left just you out of everything. Do what I do and just put on a fake smile for one day when around them all.

hardboiledeggs · 22/09/2021 14:24

Do not go, they will make your time away horrendous. If they say anything tell them you couldn't get time off or something. Don't deal with these idiots any further and certainly DO NOT show them it has ever bothered you. Life's too short. Good luck!

Notaroadrunner · 22/09/2021 14:30

Don't go. You'll be stuck with no way home if any of them are treating you horribly. Why spend your hard earned money on a trip abroad with people who have little to no respect for you? Just say "I won't be in a position to attend but I wish you all a lovely time" and then leave the group chat straight away. You don't need to explain yourself to them. They'd be bloody stupid to not realise why you wouldn't even want to spend as much as an hour in their company.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2021 14:33

I can't fathom why you'd even consider going. If I were you, I would do whatever it takes to distance myself from the lot of them.

Mrstamborineman · 22/09/2021 14:34

Ah fook no!
Save yourself agg and money. Be busy, be booked up with other things. Be glad you know how they feel and make the most of better relationships.

Lavender24 · 22/09/2021 14:36

I definitely wouldn't waste my time or money.

FurzeMinister · 22/09/2021 14:43

I got added to a chat group by another SIL (not bride to be) about hen do details.

*Reasons not to go: I'm generally not wanted by SIL (bride to be)..."

Are you sure you're invited? Is the SIL who added you to the chat the person organising the "Hen Do"? If so maybe ask her your questions.

Vodka1 · 22/09/2021 15:19

Do u want to go?

Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 15:21

Thanks everyone. Whilst no one has actually said to me they don't want me to go it certainly feels like they wouldn't care if I wasn't there.
My only issue with this is that I'm sure MIL...who is bloody hard work at the best of times...would say I'm making things worse or such like if I don't go.
I don't want to go as I feel I'm not respected by them.

OP posts:
GemmaRuby · 22/09/2021 15:25

My only issue with this is that I'm sure MIL...who is bloody hard work at the best of times...would say I'm making things worse or such like if I don't go.

That’s fine, let her say what she wants. By the sounds of it she’ll probably say lots of horrible things if you do go too.

The less you care about their opinions the better. It does take time but every time you find yourself worrying about what they will say/think of you, just remind yourself you couldn’t care less.
I’m sure they don’t waste their time worrying about what you think of them.

Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 15:27

@chargingbuck
I think you are right. Thank you so much for that advice.

OP posts:
EllieSattler · 22/09/2021 15:29

My only issue with this is that I'm sure MIL...who is bloody hard work at the best of times...would say I'm making things worse or such like if I don't go.

So fucking what? You know its not true. And if she's like this then she's likely to take offence at some imaginary thing you do to offend her (not smile enough, smile too much, not talk enough, talk too much, not drink enough, drink too much, not offer to pay for something, act like you're showing off by offering to pay for something, blah blah blah) and lay into you there or afterwards. The only difference being in the latter scenario you've wasted time and money.

Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 15:30

@gemmaruby

So true! They clearly don't care what I think of them...I doubt it even crosses their minds!

Thanks.

OP posts: