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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too go to hen do?

51 replies

again2020 · 22/09/2021 13:27

Hi all. Pull up a chair Brew Cake

Some of you might remember my post from a couple of weeks ago...my SIL (partner's sister) had not asked me to be in her bridal party and I felt like I was the only one excluded as every other SIL- not sisters as she doesn't have them; but her other brothers partners and grooms sisters- were all asked.
Obviously this is her decision, her wedding, but the secretive way it was handled was difficult and the fall out has not been good.
Some members of partner's family have (unknown to me at the time) blamed MIL and tried to defend me. MIL has huge problems with me for a couple of years, massive back story here regarding my MH and arguments between her and DM when my DD was a toddler.
I've seen MIL a few times since and she obviously feels some kind of friction as she has told me exactly what she thinks of me and my family, told me I need to act as if my parents are dead Sad and generally ranted at me. All in front of DD. Generally a huge mess.

I got added to a chat group by another SIL (not bride to be) about hen do details. She is having two do's. Won't go into full details due to outing but it is in a place abroad I have been to several times and will be quite costly.

I haven't replied as yet.

Reasons not to go:
I'm generally not wanted by SIL (bride to be) who has not spoken to me about any of this directly, I imagine people won't want to share a room with me etc, the cost, being away from DD, MIL might start shouting at me after a few drinks.

Reasons to go: Might smooth things over, show I am making an effort and not bothered about being the only one not involved in wedding party.

So YABU- I should attend
YANBU- I should not attend.

Thanks so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 15:31

@EllieSattler Have you met her?!
You are absolutely correct. It's very clear now what I should do 👍

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 22/09/2021 15:32

I don't understand why people spend so much time and effort twisting themselves inside out to do things that they don't want to do, for people who are ungrateful arseholes.
I wouldn't even bother with the social nicety of making a decent excuse. You don't like the bride, she doesn't like you, mil is a bitch - why are you seeing any of them at all?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2021 15:34

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I don't understand why people spend so much time and effort twisting themselves inside out to do things that they don't want to do, for people who are ungrateful arseholes. I wouldn't even bother with the social nicety of making a decent excuse. You don't like the bride, she doesn't like you, mil is a bitch - why are you seeing any of them at all?
I completely agree. Op, stop being a doormat and an emotional punching bag for these arseholes.
grapewine · 22/09/2021 15:37

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I don't understand why people spend so much time and effort twisting themselves inside out to do things that they don't want to do, for people who are ungrateful arseholes. I wouldn't even bother with the social nicety of making a decent excuse. You don't like the bride, she doesn't like you, mil is a bitch - why are you seeing any of them at all?
This a million times.
Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 15:40

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously You are bang on! Unfortunately I'm known for twisting myself inside out 🙈
But not for these people anymore!

OP posts:
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 22/09/2021 15:45

How supportive is your husband OP? Because if his family are treating you like shit and he's not defending you and taking them to task over it, then this is a problem which needs addressing most urgently.

Bythemillpond · 22/09/2021 15:45

Wouldn’t waste your money.
You are just going to spend a lot of money and be uncomfortable

If it is so secret I would say you didn’t know about it
I would post in the chat that you think you have been added by mistake then remove yourself from the group

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 16:03

Cheers OP, it's a pleasure Flowers

The less you see of your MiL the better you will feel.
Back off from her by going as low contact as you can manage. Let your DH handle her. Grey Rock any nonsense. You owe nothing to these people.

Stop letting them affect your life, nothing you do will ever be good enough for them to start treating you civilly, so get them out of your life as much as possible, & out of your head permanently!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/09/2021 16:42

Absolutely do not go. Then grey rock and let it all wash over you. If you don’t rise to their needling it will deflate them. They can’t create an argument if you don’t reciprocate.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 22/09/2021 16:57

Is there is a good reason why they don’t like you, I.e. you’ve done something awful in the past, and therefore you need to put the effort in to smooth things over?
If not, and they’re just arseholes to you for no reason, then absolutely do not waste your time and money going on holiday with them. It’s not going to be a nice experience for you being away and around people all day who dislike you.

Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 17:11

@WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyyy

Ok a bit of back story.

When DD was a baby I developed post partum psychosis and struggled with my MH for about 2 years. MIL was helpful in practical stuff but she gave me a very hard time about tiny mistakes I made. And we aren' t talking anything major here, it was to do with washing clothes and cleaning mostly. Once I gave my DD milk that was too hot and she rang social services. I shit you not.

I remember one night my DD was up pretty much all night (she was 18 months by then) and I had to see MIL for childcare the next day and I was snappy with DD as was exhausted. SIL (now bride to be) was there and they both called me up saying I needed to get my act together and bond with my baby. Maybe they meant well, I wasn't sure but I was knackered and upset.
That night I ranted and cried to my mum (as women do)- this was a huge mistake. Unfortunately my mum saw MIL a couple of days later and had it out with her, she was angry and unhappy.
MIL is not the sort of person who lets anyone get the upper hand so since (and this was 2 years ago) she has slagged my parents off, slagged me off, said I need to change my attitude, said I don't fit into her family, said I prefer to go to work than have my daughter (not true, it just took me a while to love being a mum), at every opportunity she can.
Basically this incident from 2 years ago comes back to me via MIL on a weekly basis.

So whilst I'm not blameless I think MIL is very cruel and short sighted to keep bringing up the past and my previous MH and using it to torment me. This is no doubt why SIL doesn't like me either.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 22/09/2021 17:14

I've apologised prefusely for the mistakes I made when DD was little and apologised for ranting to my DM that night, to no avail.
It will never be enough.

OP posts:
TheWonderCat · 22/09/2021 17:15

I remember your other thread.

Don’t go, and stop apologising. They should be doing that.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 22/09/2021 17:26

Thanks for the backstory OP. I really don’t think you have anything to apologise for. You were very unwell and it sounds like they were completely unsupportive. Good for your mum for sticking up for you.
On the basis of your update I definitely don’t think you should go to the hen party. Don’t waste any more energy on these people.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 22/09/2021 17:27

OP, on the basis of what you've posted, you are blameless. You had post partum psychosis - you were ill and she called ss because the milk was a bit too warm?
Honestly, if my mil had done that to me I'd be doing time because I would have murdered the bitch!
The best advice I could give you would be to stop seeing them at all. And I would absolutely expect my husband's support 100%. They'd be going nowhere near me or my child after that.
You need to somehow stop blaming yourself for not being perfect, especially when you were ill. And stop letting everyone else blame you!

RealBecca · 22/09/2021 17:29

Frankly youre now making your own problems by even thinking about going.

I wouldnt be going and i wouldnt even be in the same room with them

Willowkins · 22/09/2021 17:30

Hey again2020 everyone makes mistakes with their newborn. They were picking on you and your mum was cross on your behalf. They're still doing it and now I'M cross on your behalf. I hope you have some lovely family time while they're away.

CurbsideProphet · 22/09/2021 17:36

I think you need to detach here. Don't go to the hen do. Be polite but distant. Try not to get drawn into their dramatic mood swings. I've decided to do this with my own MIL. You're not responsible for trying to make them like you.

RealBecca · 22/09/2021 17:37

And im sorry thats harsh, i just mean you would be happolier not giving it headspace

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 17:46

@again2020

I've apologised prefusely for the mistakes I made when DD was little and apologised for ranting to my DM that night, to no avail. It will never be enough.
Run like the fucking wind away from this family. Be grateful you are "not part of it" & let DH deal with them solo.

Do you imagine MiL never made any mistakes when raising a baby?
Of course she did, 'cos everyone does.
More worryingly - why did you need to apologise for how you raised your own child? Who does MiL think she is - Minister for Babies? IT IS NOT UP TO HER TO GIVE YOU PERMISSION ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK AFTER YOUR OWN CHILD.

Sorry to shout but your wording makes it look like she brings it up when you see her on a weekly basis, is that right? You really need to lose the mindset that you owe her anything, let alone apologies, & stop being the subservient penitent to her outrageous bully.

If you do have to see her weekly, it's ok to tell her you are done with her criticisms, she's not the boss of you, & if she wants to be in your home she needs to be polite about it. She doesn't have to like you, but she can remember her manners or fuck off.

I mean it. What have you got to lose?
If DH doesn't have your back through all of this, I'd be thinking about fucking him off too, or at least having an extended stay, with DC at my own mum's, while he considered the impact of some very strong words on the subject.

Order this OP - it will change your life :)
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

andtheweedonkey · 22/09/2021 18:13

@again2020
Why are you wasting time, energy, breath or MONEY on these people.
They're awful, hateful bitches.

Don't bother, in fact - don't even go to the wedding or go in a long white dress then go N/C

Thatsplentyjack · 22/09/2021 18:23

Why is your partner allowing his mother and sister to treat you like that?

Chloemol · 22/09/2021 18:26

I wouldn’t be going

I would also now go LC/NC. Life is too short to deal with this

I wouldn’t be going to the wedding, partner can go on his own

There is no reason to care what your in laws think about you after this

Dontbeme · 22/09/2021 18:46

That night I ranted and cried to my mum (as women do)- this was a huge mistake. Unfortunately my mum saw MIL a couple of days later and had it out with her, she was angry and unhappy

Okay you need to reframe this in your own mind. It was not a mistake. Your mil and sil were harassing an ill new mother, picking fault in everything and putting this new mother in the crossbars of the authorities, thereby risking the relationship between mother and child. In your mother's shoes I would be fucking livid frankly and would have ripped your mil a new arsehole for harassing my unwell child.

Your issue is not with mil, sil, weddings or hen parties, I would guess your real problem is that you have a husband/partner who is happy to sit back and allow his family to abuse you, the mother of his child and I would further guess that you take this treatment as his has ground you down mentally and emotionally to the point you are asking strangers online if you should attend a party where you would be further abused.

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 22:13

Your issue is not with mil, sil, weddings or hen parties, I would guess your real problem is that you have a husband/partner who is happy to sit back and allow his family to abuse you, the mother of his child and I would further guess that you take this treatment as his has ground you down mentally and emotionally to the point you are asking strangers online if you should attend a party where you would be further abused.

Nice one, @Dontbeme

OP ... you don't need DH's 'permission' to withdraw totally from these abusive twats. If he wants to engage with them - fine. His family, his choice. But for you - your life, your choice.

PS Your mum sounds ace. Please buy her a drink from me xx
Flowers Wine