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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: OH family is draining me

56 replies

NewAndTired · 22/09/2021 02:25

AIBU if I don't want to see my OH family every week?
Context me and OH don't live together currently but have got 9w old. We both live with our families. OH works a rolling shift pattern and has four days off every time his working week ends. He uses those days off to visit me and baby and to help out as I do it mostly alone the rest of the time!
Since baby was born, each time OH has his days off we have been staying at his families house. In the beginning I didn't mind as I wanted them to meet and bond with baby. However, 9w later I am starting to get frustrated and drained. I end up being more tired even though it's supposed to be when I can relax a little as OH is there to help! I don't get to catch up on what I need to do because I'm not home & end up more tired than if I was staying at my house. It has resulted in bickering every time I am there!
It also puts baby out of routine as they refuse naps (not a great napper anyway as too alert) and are constantly being fussed and held. If I try and take baby away for a feed/ nap/ quiet time I get a guilty feeling like they are not happy with me. Also had a situation with MIL not being happy that I didn't eat dinner at same time as them because it clashed with bath and bed time( I think baby routine should come first
They have also never offered to take babe to let me nap or have time to myself, I am expected to just watch them fuss him and be on hand for sick and crying
AIBU if I try to phase out staying there every time OH is off work? My thoughts is that they wouldn't see babe this much if we were living together (4days in every 10) so why am I made to feel they should see babe every time OH is free from work. We get no alone time and I end up more exhausted than usual!

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 22/09/2021 13:45

Put a stop to it now. Tell Dh you won't be going to stay with him anymore. If he's welcome at your family's house then he can come see you and the baby there. Stop worrying about involving his family. That can come in time when you have a place of your own.

Notaroadrunner · 22/09/2021 13:46

You don't need to make up excuses. You just tell him it's not working for you. You certainly don't have to explain yourself to his family.

Lavender24 · 22/09/2021 13:47

I wouldn't phase it out, I'd nip it in the bud immediately.

BingBongToTheMoon · 22/09/2021 13:48

ALL of the above!

Justilou1 · 22/09/2021 13:55

Just tel him that you feel they’ll be equally relieved. (Sounds like the truth!) Stay home!!!

3beesinmybonnet · 22/09/2021 13:55

"he doesn't want to upset family ..... instead it upsets me."

They sound selfish whereas you sound too accomodating. Your OH is more afraid of the fallout that would result from upsetting them, than from upsetting you. This needs to change - you and the baby are his family now and he should put you first, not his parents. But they will have trained him since birth not to stand up to them.

Explain the stress the current arrangement is causing, tell him from now on you are staying with your family and will visit your ILs weekly, then tell him it is his responsibility to explain this to his family.
Then stick to it.
Otherwise you'll be expected to put his family first forever.
Ultimately it's not that he doesn't want to upset his parents, it's that he doesn't want to suffer the fallout from standing up to them. But you're the one who's suffering because he won't. He may be a lovely man but he is being selfish.

ChargingBuck · 22/09/2021 13:58

Put your foot down now, & hard OP - or this will be your life.

You are under no obligation to visit OH's family at all.
If you allow them to dictate these visits from you as a routine expectation, they will view it as an entitlement.

It's horrible to be expected to go somewhere where you every move is criticised. You don't need to put up with it. If they want to see the baby, you can meet them somewhere neutral, or OH can make the arrangements for baby to visit, off his own back.

Meanwhile, as you are not up for being micromanaged, complained about & picked on at OH's house - you're not going there. That's inconvenient to them, they don't like it, & criticise you again? Surprise! - tough on them.

They had the opportunity to play nice, & blew it.
You are a brand new mum, & don't need to get sucked into a family dynamic where you are the scapegoat. You owe them nothing, least of all carte blanche to get you on their own turf so they can pick on you.

Brokeandtired3 · 22/09/2021 14:01

I'm also 24 and a ftm op. Difference is I live with ohs family but my god its draining! It's gotten better over time but they need to learn to adjust to you and baby and be more accommodating, especially mil who has a had a baby so knows how this all goes.

On the flip side you also need to be more assertive op. If its fallen upon deaf ears with your oh you need to put your foot down and say NO! Just dont go to ohs house, he will inevitably have to come to yours to see you both. Maybe tell oh 2 of his 4 days off should be spent at yours so you can catch up on things. You dont have to justify yourself to anyone and as you are the one who has just had the baby life needs to be made easier for you not his parents.

Brokeandtired3 · 22/09/2021 14:02

Also just like to comment on the similar username heres to being new, broke and tired!

OrangeTortoise · 22/09/2021 14:02

Just stop OP! Your DP comes to stay with you when he's not working and arranges visits with his parents. The current arrangement is tiring for you and unsettling for DS.

Littlegoth · 22/09/2021 14:05

What is he actually doing to help?

Chloemol · 22/09/2021 14:10

Just don’t go. He can come to yours, then go and visit for a few hours on his day off if they want to see the baby

Redburnett · 22/09/2021 14:11

Of course YANBU, except in agreeing to this arrangement in the first place. Discuss with OH and be assertive about your own and baby's needs and wants which must always come first and come up with a more realistic inlaw visit plan.

Justilou1 · 22/09/2021 14:19

Honestly, I suspect your DP has totally overestimated just how excited his family actually happen to be about your visits. They were probably enthusiastic before baby turned up, but now the reality has set in and they feel like you are all throwing their routine out of balance (unlike your mum who has a better understanding of prioritizing a newborn) - they feel like they’re being invaded or intruded upon. (This is what their behaviour seems to demonstrate…) Did your DP have a conversation with them about how long this was likely to go on? Maybe they were under the impression you’d have your own home by now. Do you know what was said at the time?

HoppingPavlova · 22/09/2021 14:49

Sorry, this is one of the weirdest set-ups I have heard of. Plus he sounds like a complete man-child.

He comes to yours and pitches in there. Maybe once a month you can both go visit his family. It’s an hour odd away, does one of you drive? That’s not a long drive there and back with a visit for a few hours in between car trips.

HalzTangz · 22/09/2021 14:56

Couldn't you take it in turns, one set of days off at his place, the other set he stays at your place

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 15:00

You're not unreasonable but you don't have to stay at boyfriend's parents house so much, you could stay at your own home.

From your op, it sounds like you have more than one baby! However I've read more and see you have one, a little boy.

Why not try to find a flat to rent with your boyfriend? That would solve one problem and I'm sure you'd be happier.

HalzTangz · 22/09/2021 15:00

I get why you haven't bought, but is there any reason why you aren't renting together

Direwolfwrangler · 22/09/2021 15:04

This arrangement does no one good apart from giving your OH an easy life. You have a home, and a new baby, and that is where you should be. Your OH should be staying with you on his days off. If the ILs want to see you and the baby then it is up to your OH to organise.

TiredButDancing · 22/09/2021 15:05

So, to sum up:

4 days a week, OH goes to work, comes home to his mum and, I assume, gets to sleep as he likes and probably has meals prepared, clothes washed etc. During those 4 days you are a single parent but with some help from your family because you live with your parents.

Then 4 days a week YOU upset YOUR routine and the baby's routine so that your OH can continue to live in his nice comfortable home with his mum and dad. During those 4 days, you do 90% of the heavy lifting in terms of caring for your DC, while your OH and his family swan around enjoying cuddles and play time?

WTAF?

This is a flat no. You and baby stay where you are. Your OH comes to YOU for 4 days. If necessary, you can all go to see his family once a week. Or his family can come to you! What a load of bollocks that they've convinced you this is a reasonable option.

aloris · 22/09/2021 15:17

Your whole routine seems to be set up to make things as easy as possible for your OH (and his family). With a new baby, the routine needs to be set up to make things as easy as possible for the new mom (and her baby). You have a 24/7 job looking after the baby. It's not also your job to look after your OH's feelings and his family's feelings.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/09/2021 15:23

I would maybe stay overnight at his but only one night every week or two so his parents see the baby.

He needs to decide how often he is prepared to travel/stay over at yours, taking care of the baby downstairs while you catch up with sleep which could be as awkward for him in your parents home as it was for you in his, and you need to find out if your parents are ok with this too.

Ideally you need to pull out all stops to get your own place, probably closer to his work so you can start life as a family, even if that means renting.

pinkyredrose · 22/09/2021 15:30

We'd live together in a heartbeat if we could!

You can though, what's stopping you looking for a flat to rent together?

LannieDuck · 22/09/2021 15:35

Why can't you just go once a month?

Hankunamatata · 22/09/2021 15:39

I'd compromise with 1 day and 1 night at oh house then the rest at your house

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