Is he mean or generous or what???

[literallucy]

Trying to figure this one out so please tell me if I ABU.
Partner of a year, great relationship and really really happy for the first time in my life , I think.
I earn more than him and have a lot more disposable income .
For the first ox months of our relationship, I stayed with him at his every weekend .
He always has the fridge full and had bought me wine / chocolate . I always brought junk and sometimes dinner .
We are both givers I think .
I think I contributed fairly but it was always a battle about who would pay . We both had the issue in our past relationships where we were the givers and paid for the majority in our relationships .
We would often buy each other little treats .. like a candle or an album . That was also mutual .
For the last six months we spend more time at mine . I always have fridge full too and he brings wine . I find that I am paying
More than him. I don't mind that as I have more but am afraid of becoming a door mat. Then he will pop up and surprise me with a little gift or something he knows I like but at the moment I'm contributing more to us .
We are both uncomfortable talking about money or accepting money from each other . We pay halves when out for dinner and drinks which is important to me .
Help me sort this out! I get embarrassed talking about money.
I have been absolutely taken for a ride in my last relationship, financially and I have to mind myself . Thanks

It sounds fine . I don't get the issue. He doesn't sound like a piss taker...he just has less money than you

If you're going to have a lifelong relationship with this person, you need to get comfortable talking about money.

Perhaps write down what you want to say, explain to him you're nervous but that you would appreciate a conversation. Use your notes to ensure you don't go off topic or forget something.

In what way are you paying more? Spell it out.

YANBU. The difference is you used to sometimes bring dinner to his and he never does to you.

Speak to him and say you would like him to bring food every other weekend.

@CurlyWurly321

In what way are you paying more? Spell it out.

It’s in the OP. She is buying all food for the whole weekend.

You're talking about fridge items, all out of house expenses are shared? If it bothers you that much, then do the shopping together for the weekend, but it doesn't sound like you're being taken advantage of at all to me

So for six months, he paid more as you were always at his, and then last six months it's been opposite?

It sounds just like a fairly normal dynamic, but why not stop stocking up before his visit and go get the bits together and split it?

Why does he have so little disposable income? Where's it all going? I wouldn't want to be with a man who is so wasteful with money.

It's not quite cocklodger territory at the moment but it does seem to be veering that way. Love bomb you at the start then gradually contribute less and less until you're paying for everything.

It doesn’t sound too bad, although he should maybe take turns to provide and cook dinner.

I started dating last year after an 8 year break and at first couldn’t work out where my money was going. Then I realised that dating costs money! I didn’t go out on dates or buy that Christmas present - when you do, it does add up to a bit of a surprise.

If you both have places why aren't you alternating weekends?

But you need to accept that money is a huge part of life. Talking about it to the person you're with should be like talking about the weather.

I can't see the issue. He stocked his fridge for 6 months. You stocked yours for 6 months. What is it that makes you worried?

I think OP is worried that it will be the default that she now pays for all food as he hasn’t mentioned it.

OP, definitely speak up now.

@pelosi

Surely she means something else?

He did that for the first however many months.

Yes he did for 6 months, now she’s done it for 6 months.

Surely now it’s time to alternate weekend?

Alternating weekends isn’t always a thing - I’ve stayed at my other half’s house once in 15 months. He’s a 50/50 dad and it’s untidy, full of kids stuff, and he lives out in the sticks. He comes to mine every weekend when his ex has the kids - there’s no way I’m spending time there tripping up over Knex and craft stuff (or ever moving in with him! )

Wow I think you think about money an awful lot.

Ok so becayse you spend more time at yours you supply more food than him and this is hour issue?

Sounds perfectly normal
I don’t think either of you are taking advantage or being taken advantage of.
Don’t over think it.

When someone is obviously a user, it’s obvious

I would only really sit down and talk about finances if you were going to move in

Maybe I am overthinking it.
He doesn't have much disposable
Income as ,like me, he has children and they are all Teens .
I have savings though through inheritance.
He s enormously thoughtful and generous but on the other hand , he will let me pay sometimes twice in a row for lunch or breakfast.

@WhatDidISayAlan

Alternating weekends isn’t always a thing - I’ve stayed at my other half’s house once in 15 months. He’s a 50/50 dad and it’s untidy, full of kids stuff, and he lives out in the sticks. He comes to mine every weekend when his ex has the kids - there’s no way I’m spending time there tripping up over Knex and craft stuff (or ever moving in with him! )

But he could pay for food to bring to OP on alternate weekends.

@literallucy

Maybe I am overthinking it. He doesn't have much disposable Income as ,like me, he has children and they are all Teens . I have savings though through inheritance. He s enormously thoughtful and generous but on the other hand , he will let me pay sometimes twice in a row for lunch or breakfast.

And it will gradually become you paying for all food and meals out.

Why do you say that@pelosi ?

Just from years of being on MN. It starts off as paying for food for weekends, meals out, then he moves in and you end up paying for most things.

I hope I’m wrong. Did he used to pay for lunch or breakfast every other time?

I don't ever understands why people will happily hop onto bed and play with each others bits and fluids but feel weird about talking about money.

"I want you to stick your bits in my bits... Just don't mention who pays for tea"

We take it in turns when eating out or split the bill . Sometimes I pay for
More sometimes he does.