To think they handled this really badly and be really annoyed

[NcButBeenHereAges]

WARNING talk of children and porn/sex

I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable and should just stay out of it or whether I should say something to DH about this.

I have a DSS who is 11 (nearly 12 actually). Basically my husband's ex rang him yesterday absolutely horrified that she'd found him watching porn on his phone, she was fuming so was DH who went over there and told him off.

When he came back and told me about it I just felt really angry for DSS and like they both handled it fucking appallingly.

DH (and his ex, I saw the messages as they were talking again about it later she was sending DH copies of what he'd been watching to show how awful it was (I know lots of people don't agree with porn but it wasn't anything "out there" but I appreciate seeing your child watching it can be upsetting) was going on about how sick it made him feel because he was far too young, how does he even know what it is, must be his friends who encouraged it, maybe he shouldn't hang out with them anymore, DSS isn't allowed his phone anymore, is grounded and so on...

Basically just going on as if the poor kid had committed some awful sin.

I tried to say to DH that he's getting older and he will start to want to explore this and maybe he needs to actually speak to him about sex but he thinks this is ridiculous and disgusting and far too young.

I've come away from the conversation actually really upset for DSS who was apparently mortified that his Mum had told his Dad who'd turned up and was crying. I think they've really fucked this up and missed a perfectly good opportunity to have "the talk" in a positive way with him.

I appreciate it's probably none of my business but I'm really annoyed with DH and thinks he needs to deal with the fact his son is not a baby anymore and will start to grow up in this way and not take that out on him.

I think he needs to fix this and try again. AIBU to tell him I think he handled this so wrong and stand up for DSS?

I've been here a while so I know this subject may cause people to question this situation but this is 100% true and I'm really, really annoyed about it.

Yanbu at all they have handled that dreadfully!
This was an opportunity to sit down and have an open discussion about sex and porn
Instead its been a shaming excercise which will mean he wont ever be open about his sexuality in the future as a teen. All that will happen is that he will now view his natural interest in sex as something dirty and wrong and take pains ti cover it up.. leaving both him at risk and his future partners.
I had an ex who was addicted to porn and one of his most vivid childhood memories was of his mum finding a porn magasine his friend had given him and hed hidden under his mattress. His mother had cried in front of him when he found it. He had a really messed up attitude towards sex as an adult.. a mixture of hatred and resentment towards women and an obsession with pornography whilst also hating himself for having an obsession with pornography. As you can imagine this did not lead to healthy relationships.

There are ways to discuss why pornography might be harmful to women with your child....and i do think its good to have that discussion with your children
But massively overreacting and acting like its some disgusting unnatural thing that needs punishment is just really psychologically damaging and not helpful in the slightest

@DeepaBeesKit

1) not your kid 2) not harmless 3) 11/12 is way too fucking young. I'm sorry but it is.

Absolutely agree with points 2 and 3 (1 not so much). Porn can be incredibly harmful, especially to young people who have not actually experienced any sort of relationship before, they think what they watch is normal and anything short of extreme sexual practices are just not worth it. At 11/12 of course they will be curious, most of us would have grown up in the times where pre teens looked at the underwear section of a mail order catalogue or a glimpse of page 3, a far cry from today's porn, which is just depressing on every level.

Their reaction explains why your DSS might have gone straight to watching porn in the first place! As you said, it was an opportunity to talk and they blew it. Your SS won't trust them enough to talk about anything in the future.

I dont think any of you handled it well.

Porn is the worst way to deal with curiosity.

I suspect they acted instinctively and panicked.. he is an 11 year old child... I would be horrified too!

You have the benefit of not being the parent.. so can look at it with less emotion.

Have you said to your husband about positive next steps? How has he reacted?

I don't agree with the way they handled it either. This was very much the window of opportunity to talk about lots of things here, sex, consent and the negative impact of porn.

I think too many people are letting their negative feelings towards porn get in the way. This is a child who is being to develop a curiosity into sex. It happens at this age whether people like it or not. A child does not instinctively know porn the problems with porn unless someone takes the time to explain it is to them.

@Lasttimeneveragain

I don't agree with the way they handled it either. This was very much the window of opportunity to talk about lots of things here, sex, consent and the negative impact of porn.

I think too many people are letting their negative feelings towards porn get in the way. This is a child who is being to develop a curiosity into sex. It happens at this age whether people like it or not. A child does not instinctively know porn the problems with porn unless someone takes the time to explain it is to them.

Yes absolutely. I don’t anyone thinks it’s a great idea for an 11 year old to look at porn. The point is that it is relatively common, if you prefer that word to ‘normal’. I don’t think exH has permanently ruined the relationship, everyone can mess up and react instinctively. If he wanted to repair the situation he could apologise for his strong reaction and for shaming him, and then explain why he had such a strong reaction. Ie ‘You’re my boy and it takes some getting used to, realising you’re growing up. Also I don’t like porn, can you imagine why? Here’s what I think…. However I really regret my first reaction and now I know you’re starting to be curious about these things I really want to be able to talk openly about this. Sometimes it might take me a moment to understand how things are different nowadays to when I was growing up. Or we might have different ideas on things, but I’ll never be disgusted by you or anything you tell me and it’s my responsibility to deal with my feelings about these topics, so please don’t worry that I can’t handle what you tell me. I definitely can and will.

That poor kid, his parents handled this terribly!!