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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they handled this really badly and be really annoyed

58 replies

NcButBeenHereAges · 21/09/2021 09:10

WARNING talk of children and porn/sex

I'm not sure if I am being unreasonable and should just stay out of it or whether I should say something to DH about this.

I have a DSS who is 11 (nearly 12 actually). Basically my husband's ex rang him yesterday absolutely horrified that she'd found him watching porn on his phone, she was fuming so was DH who went over there and told him off.

When he came back and told me about it I just felt really angry for DSS and like they both handled it fucking appallingly.

DH (and his ex, I saw the messages as they were talking again about it later she was sending DH copies of what he'd been watching to show how awful it was (I know lots of people don't agree with porn but it wasn't anything "out there" but I appreciate seeing your child watching it can be upsetting) was going on about how sick it made him feel because he was far too young, how does he even know what it is, must be his friends who encouraged it, maybe he shouldn't hang out with them anymore, DSS isn't allowed his phone anymore, is grounded and so on...

Basically just going on as if the poor kid had committed some awful sin.

I tried to say to DH that he's getting older and he will start to want to explore this and maybe he needs to actually speak to him about sex but he thinks this is ridiculous and disgusting and far too young.

I've come away from the conversation actually really upset for DSS who was apparently mortified that his Mum had told his Dad who'd turned up and was crying. I think they've really fucked this up and missed a perfectly good opportunity to have "the talk" in a positive way with him.

I appreciate it's probably none of my business but I'm really annoyed with DH and thinks he needs to deal with the fact his son is not a baby anymore and will start to grow up in this way and not take that out on him.

I think he needs to fix this and try again. AIBU to tell him I think he handled this so wrong and stand up for DSS?

I've been here a while so I know this subject may cause people to question this situation but this is 100% true and I'm really, really annoyed about it.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 21/09/2021 10:05

He's almost 12... so in year 7? Just started secondary school? (Having had a very unusual year 6?)

That poor kid has enough to deal with, without his parents going at him like that.

Yes it's concerning as to how/why he's accessing it...but I can tell you from my 12yr old he won't be the only one. They are massively exploring their sexuality right now. In 1 class we have 3/4 who have come out as homosexual, so many bf/gf pairings, and even a potential trans.

Your DH and his ex need to accept ds is growing up- its tough as a parent but it is happening. And as many have said best to be open (not necessarily encourage) about such things than stop them voicing their concerns.

Lookingoutside · 21/09/2021 10:07

YANBU.

They shamed him. Complete fuck up but it’s on them OP. It must be very hard to watch.

LittleOwl153 · 21/09/2021 10:09

Depending on your relationship with the kid - and perhaps the age of your own ds, perhaps you do have a place to take to the kid. So that he knows he has somewhere to go to talk about things if his parents are so shut down. Often an aunt/uncle can get this kind of role.

leakymcleakleak · 21/09/2021 10:10

There are some horrifying statistics about the percentage of children his age who will have been exposed to extreme porn. I'm massively opposed to it - for pretty much all ages as I think 95% of it is exploitative - but can't believe they haven't thought about how they will approach it with a child that age.

Have they had any kind of discussion with him about sex? About consent? About puberty and his body changing? If they're not prepared to educate him, he will be educated by older kids and the worse the internet has to offer which is pretty horrific at the moment.

They need to come up with a plan to talk to him about how its perfectly natural for him to be curious about sex, and about his body changing, but there are some scary things on th internet and nothing that reflects real life. I think they probably owe him an apology from the sounds of it. I'd suggest finding some actual helpful resources/books they can share with him. I'd also suggest finding some books about parenting teen boys you can quote to your DH. This is a really important moment. I read a horrific report about 14 year olds being sentences for gang raping a girl yesterday, with info in the sentencing about how one of the perpetrators had been engaging with violent pornography in the years leading up to it, and a probation report saying that even now he clearly struggled to have empathy with the victim. Attitudes among young teenagers, what they're exposed to, etc etc are things parents should be aware of. If you're able to, I think you need to find a way to be a calm advocate for him.

Original poster

NcButBeenHereAges · 21/09/2021 10:14

This is exactly what I think. DH absolutely refused the idea that he should have a conversation with him properly about sex/puberty etc... Because he's "too young" and honestly I think it's an issue with DH. He doesn't want to accept his son is at that age.

But what then does he expect? If he won't talk to him about it then he is obviously going to seek answers elsewhere! It's part of being a parent surely, having to have sometimes uncomfortable but necessary conversations.

OP posts:

Hortibunda · 21/09/2021 10:28

His parents are dead right to restrict phone use and I would be filling up his schedule so he didn't have much time to be on line tbh. On the other hand, I would be arranging for his dad and other trusted males to spending more time with him so he could ask any questions he wanted. And I would chime in from a woman's perspective. I think 12 years is too young to engage in a proper conversation about the ethics and exploitative nature of pornography though aside from saying some people are forced to do it against their will and it's not representative of normal women and men in a loving relationship and it's all a bit seedy and something to avoid. As I recall this was the approximate age when we had sex ed at school so I would be engaging with that too. I wonder if there are any safe resources that a young lad could look at on-line? That's what is missing isn't it? Not pornography but proper sex education on line that answers questions in an appropriate age related manner.

Batfinkwings · 21/09/2021 10:42

Has DSS has had sex education at school?
Surely he would have by this age (I had it at primary school and I'm in my 40's!) so your DH and his ex must know that DSS knows what sex is.

I agree with you that this has been dealt with entirely inappropriately. I feel sorry for the kid. He's been exploring sex, which he clearly can't ask his parents about! And now he's been embarrassed and shamed.
Handled sensitively this could have been a good opportunity for his parents to explain that's not what sex looks like in a health relationship.

Stovetopespresso · 21/09/2021 10:49

yes poor you op, total child mismanagement, must be hard to see. what's the dynamic there like, do you think your dh and his ex when they attempt co parenting are still stuck in a place where your dss is still the same age in their heads as he was when they split up?

purpleboy · 21/09/2021 10:56

I think you need to try and speak to your dh again, I guess he has time to calm down and process, so he may now be open to a reasonable discussion.
Maybe ask him the questions like what age does he feel it appropriate to discuss with ds? What does he think will be gained by waiting until then? Is he aware ds has covered sex education at school? Does he think it's better for ds to get info (potentially damaging) from his friends rather than from his parents?
Try and get him to think and explore his reasoning and feelings a bit more.
Good luck it sounds a mess.

gailplattshairbrush · 21/09/2021 10:57

@Hortibunda why on earth would the poor kid want to ask his dad any questions now? He has been told off and punished rather than spoken to openly. All that will do is shame him and make him feel unable to ask these 'questions'. It can be daunting and embarrassing to speak to your parents about things like this. The absolute worst thing you can do if you want to keep communication open is freak out and over react like the parents did in this case.

I suspect the son will be too nervous and scared to speak to them frankly again

Hoppinggreen · 21/09/2021 10:57

I have a 12 year old boy and yes it has been handled very very badly
They have humiliated and frightened this boy rather than use it as a teaching opportunity
I understand it’s hard to accept that your baby boy is or is becoming a hormone fuelled teen but it happens and you can help them on that journey in an appropriate way or give them some serous hang ups about sex
Unfortunately OP it’s not your child but hopefully you can help your partner see sense

Hortibunda · 21/09/2021 11:04

[quote gailplattshairbrush]@Hortibunda why on earth would the poor kid want to ask his dad any questions now? He has been told off and punished rather than spoken to openly. All that will do is shame him and make him feel unable to ask these 'questions'. It can be daunting and embarrassing to speak to your parents about things like this. The absolute worst thing you can do if you want to keep communication open is freak out and over react like the parents did in this case.

I suspect the son will be too nervous and scared to speak to them frankly again [/quote]
If you read my post I was quite clearly talking about how I would have handled this situation gailplattshairbrush. Of course you need to keep the lines of communication open; it's one of the most important things you can do as a parent. And if a child is embarrassed; it's your job to approach it in a way that reassures them that it's a normal and OK subject to talk about.

In this instance I would encourage the dad to take his son out for a drive and a burger and apologise to him for over-reacting and explain calmly why he reacted in that way (being protective etc) and encourage him to ask any questions he needs to.

earthyfire · 21/09/2021 11:08

I've got a settings on my Wifi so my kids can't access or stumble upon porn, I remember my youngest coming home from school after being taught RSE and googling sex and other words discussed that day and up popped porn. I didn't know until my eldest told me so I quickly discovered how to put a block/parental restrictions on the Wifi. I just had a chat with her, explained about it not being a true reflection of real sex etc, all while trying not to make her feel embarrassed about it.

Hont1986 · 21/09/2021 11:15

I actually don't think it's wrong that his ex called him round. Their son did something that needed to be punished/addressed, it is a significant enough event that both his parents should be there and be on the same page about it.

Of course he was crying, he's 11 and his mum and dad caught him watching porn. Anyone would feel mortified. That doesn't mean they should have ignored it.

BrendaBubbles · 21/09/2021 11:19

I don't think they should have humiliated him like that, but at the same time they did have to do something as if you know your child is viewing porn and you do nothing about it, you are breaking the law (essentially it is the equivalent of you showing them it).

Original poster

NcButBeenHereAges · 21/09/2021 11:19

@Hont1986

Of course he was crying, he's 11 and his mum and dad caught him watching porn. Anyone would feel mortified. That doesn't mean they should have ignored it.

I don't think there's is anything wrong with that either. I never said there was. And I don't think it should have been ignored.

OP posts:

Hont1986 · 21/09/2021 11:27

Then what part of how they handled it do you disagree with? You don't think they should have been angry? Watching porn at home is not a harmless act. I'm not rabidly anti-porn but an 11 year old doesn't know what they are doing - they could download viruses, they could access child porn, they could leave it on the computer for a younger sibling to see, etc. Not to mention the harm they do to themselves and their own sexuality - even 'normal' porn would teach an impressionable youth that 'facials', choking, some light slapping, etc are all part of normal sex.

Etonmessisyum · 21/09/2021 11:27

Clearly if his son is searching for it and watching it he’s not too young. Here they get sex education via personal and social education in p5 at 9 then in p7 but I think it’s ongoing in the health topic anyway. So they do know stuff. My 11 year old (12 in March) is p7 so of course you need to speak to them and educate them. Their friends tell them stuff, those friends have older siblings who they hear things from (my son has a 20 yo and 16 yo ds) so to prevent to much ‘curiosity’ parental controls are on devices. And I talk to them about things. It’s open and honest and they can ask me things - ds 11 asked me about wanking last week. He’d heard someone talking about it apparently. We were in the car so I just said we’ll have a chat at home as my younger son was in the car so then gives me a chance to think about what to say and how to say it. (I can be quite tongue tied sometimes) his dad has never discussed anything with him and I think he’d go off his head and text me whinging about it so I prefer if they speak to me)

Your dh needs to grow up and realise his son isn’t a toddler and speaking to him about these things will help him and his son and stop the bloody hysteria. No porn is not ok but sex is and it’s part of life, making sex all bad and dirty isn’t healthy

bluegreygreen · 21/09/2021 14:18

The son is no longer a toddler but it does seem a bit unrealistic to be equating an 11 yr old with a 'young teen'

DeepaBeesKit · 21/09/2021 14:23

not your kid
not harmless
11/12 is way too fucking young. I'm sorry but it is.

DeepaBeesKit · 21/09/2021 14:24

Clearly if his son is searching for it and watching it he’s not too young.

Not true.

Children are curious and easily led by older influences. It only takes a popular child with an older sibling to boast about enjoying this for children to go along with things they are not comfortable with.

billy1966 · 21/09/2021 14:24

I don't believe punishment was in any way appropriate.

He has a phone, no doubt paid for by his parents and via that, accessed sites that are not appropriate.

Punishment is completely inappropriate.

Sitting down and having a chat and expressing your concerns for him and explaining how damaging porn is, is the way to go.

Not humiliating a child, causing him to cry and punishing him.

OP, keep this stupid man away from YOUR child.

Lady1576 · 21/09/2021 14:34

If you are a parent, time to get prepared/practising for the moment you find out your 11 year old has accessed or come across porn, because it will happen, so think now how you want to handle it. Don’t be flustered about it, because you’ve had fair warning (for those saying they’d have acted like exH) If you think it’s shocking/unlikely, you are out of touch unfortunately. It is absolutely developmentally appropriate to be interested and curious about sex at this age, and in the times we live in, that means young people may access porn themselves or have another child show it to them.

LaLaJ · 21/09/2021 17:09

@DeepaBeesKit

1) not your kid 2) not harmless 3) 11/12 is way too fucking young. I'm sorry but it is.

11/12 is way too fucking young. I'm sorry but it is

You are kidding yourself or being incredibly naive if you think its way too young for a 12 year old boy to be curious about sex.

I'm not sure if it's wishful thinking because you don't want your kids to grow up but it is entirely normal for that age to be starting to get curious about this stuff and sticking your fingers in your ears and pretending it's not doesn't help them.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/09/2021 18:03

@Lady1576

This ^

If your daft Oh won't use this as a useful teaching opportunity... Let the older teens teach him (the wrong) stuff about sex...

Every kid asks at the age they need to start having these conversations... I was asking about sex at 10/11....and most likely would have accessed porn had the Internet been around.

Awful that your daft OH has now shamed his son, thus making it much less likely for your DSS to speak to him.

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