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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to break unplanned pregnancy news to new relationship?

76 replies

blueywho · 21/09/2021 06:42

Contraception failure clearly.

In shock. He's literally the first person I've met that I feel 100% at ease with. Like my best friend and a connection I've never experienced before.
Both have dcs from previous relationships which separation was only early this year so doesn't look great. Have been inseparable since we met basically.

Don't mean to be cheesy but thought some background might help.

I don't think I want an abortion. I don't know, maybe it's too early to decide. I always thought I would in this situation.

He has the day off today. If I message saying I need to see you, he might start to question why because I was really sick yesterday. Hence the decision to test late yesterday and this morning. All 6 tests are positive.

Do I just turn up?

I'm panicking

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 21/09/2021 08:51

I would just be up front.
If you have a good fledgling relationship and you've not decided an abortion is your first option, this is something to work out together.

10ColaBottles · 21/09/2021 08:54

I think I'd be worried too. This is massive news. I'd be concerned about ruining what I had with that person specially if it was so good.

Regardless of the fact that it's both their actions and responsibility it's still tricky to share big news. I think id be worried they'd take it badly and make the decision making tough

Though. oP you will have a good idea of his true colours - good or bad- depending on the reaction. 😊 good luck.

Queenoftheashes · 21/09/2021 08:58

Just tell him ASAP. I waited three days to confess as he was away and when I saw him I was so worked up I just started crying hysterically. Prob should have just told him when I found out but didn’t want to ruin the stag do 😂

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 21/09/2021 08:59

I would probably tell him over text, that will give him a chance to react, have a think and then come to terms with it.

He will likely be shocked and his initial reaction may not be his thoughts half an hour later.

It would be better to discuss it together when he hasn't just had a massive, life changing shock.

Whatever you decide, good luck op Flowers

Tal45 · 21/09/2021 09:03

I would want to say something asap - why should you be worrying and wondering alone? This is his doing as much as yours.

10ColaBottles · 21/09/2021 09:16

@LateDecemberBackInLowB12

I would probably tell him over text, that will give him a chance to react, have a think and then come to terms with it.

He will likely be shocked and his initial reaction may not be his thoughts half an hour later.

It would be better to discuss it together when he hasn't just had a massive, life changing shock.

Whatever you decide, good luck op Flowers

This is actually a good point. I might have said f2f but text affords him the same privacy for initial reaction that you had. He deserves that too.

milkyaqua · 21/09/2021 09:25

I'd want to see his face and reaction when you tell him. Text removes that, and would be mad for something this serious, in my view.

PinkTonic · 21/09/2021 09:27

How to tell him is only potentially difficult if you are going to drop a life changing fait accompli on him though. Telling him you’re accidentally pregnant and asking for support having a termination shouldn’t be difficult at all. It’s a new relationship, you both already have children to consider and you were using contraception, so for me the default position would be that you hadn’t agreed to conceive a child and won’t go ahead with the pregnancy. Anything else is an extremely challenging conversation.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 21/09/2021 09:45

From your posts it sounds like you don't want a termination.

Make sure there are no DC around so you can tell him and talk if he is able to but be prepared he might need some time first. You are already 24 hours on from the initial shock so you're starting to think about what you want.

MatildaTheCat · 21/09/2021 09:56

Text is quite a good idea to allow him his reaction in private just as you had yours.

His early reaction may not be his forever one. It could go either way. I think it’s fair to tell him you are uncertain what you want to do but thinking of keeping the pregnancy.

Then meet a few hours later.

Good luck.

FifiRebel · 21/09/2021 09:57

I've logged into my MN account for first time in about 4/5 years to reply to you (regular lurker). I used MN frequently when I had an unplanned pregnancy in similar situation - feel free to look up my posting history for contemporary messages.

I became pregnant after dating someone for a month or so, albeit not as inseparable as you describe. I felt the same that I wanted to tell him straight away and went to his house the following day. He was shocked obviously. He kept in contact with me for a week and then blocked me and said he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.

Fast forward five years. I reported him to CMS when my baby was born and he requested a DNA test. He eventually met our son at around 6 months old. Since he was about 1, he has seen him once a month.

My son was born 10 weeks early and has been in and out of hospital since. I have done everything by myself and completely changed my life to provide for him. It has been incredibly hard - but I wouldn't change a thing.

MatildaTheCat · 21/09/2021 09:58

@milkyaqua

I'd want to see his face and reaction when you tell him. Text removes that, and would be mad for something this serious, in my view.
Why? I don’t imagine OPs face was a picture of joy when she found out. There’s no reason for him to feel delighted initially even if the idea grows on him. He might be pleased or not. Doesn’t mean it can’t still work out.
SisforSarah · 21/09/2021 11:00

I’m loving all the posters on here who have had unplanned pregnancies early on in relationships and made it work. I’ve only ever met one other person like me IRL. I still enjoy watching people do the maths.

milkyaqua · 21/09/2021 11:05

Why? I don’t imagine OPs face was a picture of joy when she found out. There’s no reason for him to feel delighted initially even if the idea grows on him. He might be pleased or not.

Why? I personally think important conversations should be held in person. YMMV. If he looks absolutely horrified, that would be important information to take in, in my view.

thewhatsit · 21/09/2021 11:09

I don’t think by text is the worst idea.

Text is supposed to be the best way to tell a friend who is struggling with infertility that you are pregnant for example, so that the person can have an initial cry or scream or whatever and then gather their thoughts and be happy for you. Obviously it’s different here but his initial reaction may be shock and horror and then he might think about it carefully and then be in a different frame of mind for the serious conversation you need to have. My first reaction when I found out I was pregnant with my first (even though kind of planned) was very much terror and shock and I’m glad no one saw that.

When thinking what to do about this baby in your situation OP, my first thought would be to my older kids.

thewhatsit · 21/09/2021 11:13

If he looks absolutely horrified, that would be important information to take in, in my view.
I disagree actually. You’re not going into the conversation as equals because one of you (the Op) has had this information for a day and whilst isn’t sure what to do for certain, the initial shock has gone. The other person in the conversation is hearing very shocking/ surprising news for the first time and then being judged on their reaction to it. I’m not sure that’s fair. As long as he doesn’t behave absolutely appallingly when he finds out, I’d kind of forgive most reactions.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 21/09/2021 11:14

Why? I personally think important conversations should be held in person. YMMV. If he looks absolutely horrified, that would be important information to take in, in my view.

Its really unfair to spring a massive life change like that on someone and judge them by their first minute of reaction. Of course he's going to go through all the emotions, just as op has.

Conversations should absolutely be held in person, of course they should, but I think this guy, like the op, should have a chance to absorb the information first.

Personally I woukd find it difficult to get past an initial shitty reaction, even if things were fine in a couple of hours.

Roonilwazlib1 · 21/09/2021 11:15

You're understandably worried about telling him, I think anyone in your situation would be.

Invite him over and if you're not sure what to say then I would probably just show him the tests. He'll probably be able to see the panic or worry on your face and so I would hope that if he's a good guy he will recognise that it obviously is a shock to you too.

Good luck Flowers

milkyaqua · 21/09/2021 11:27

To hell with it, put it on a post-it note, then.

ooft · 21/09/2021 11:29

Good luck OP. Hope everything works out for you.

Blendabrethin · 21/09/2021 11:55

I think you need to consider your options / all scenarios before you break the news to him. This way you have dealt with your own feelings and outlook on the situation before you have to deal with his. Plus, you are less likely to be pushed into doing anything you don't want to. 6 weeks is early days so don't fgfeel like you have to rush this process.

PinkTonic · 21/09/2021 12:24

Personally I woukd find it difficult to get past an initial shitty reaction, even if things were fine in a couple of hours

But why would you expect anything except shock and distress initially? It’s a terrible situation and he has literally no say in the outcome. Only on MN is the belief that everyone having a sexual encounter should go into it in the full understanding and acceptance that a child may result. Contraception was used, therefore the default agreement between parties was not to create a pregnancy. Personally I think if he was immediately happy about it that’s a massive red flag actually because no one in their right mind could be happy about this happening. It’s a life changing mistake.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 21/09/2021 12:45

But why would you expect anything except shock and distress initially?

I wouldn't, that's why I would message the information first, to save him from saying something he doesn't mean out of shock, to save feelings from being hurt if he needs an hour to process it and he leaves, or any number of other scenarios that could occur.

TweetyPieBird · 21/09/2021 19:41

I know of a few women who fell pregnant in a very new relationship. They went one of 2 ways. 1) they break up by the time the DC is a toddler. 2) they stay together for a little longer, but their relationship is toxic (looks happy on their social media) e.g. arguments, her not trusting him, him cheating on her or going on loads of nights out etc.

Hollywolly1 · 21/09/2021 21:31

Congratulations on your baby news and maybe when you get used to it you will be truly delighted.I hope all works out really well regardless of how your boyfriend takes the news but it may take a few days to sink in