To want a quiet Christmas at home

[thingymaboob]

I will be 34 weeks pregnant on Xmas day. Me and my DH have a 4 year old DD. My PIL live in same city and I expect my BIL and his family will stay at their house with their 4 year old DC and infant. I don't really get on with them. I find them pretentious and boring. I expect they dislike me too. We are polite and we get on Ok but there's no love there if you get what I mean. PIL house is like a show house. It's not the sort of place where you can just veg out on sofa or even lie down on sofa. Everyone's nicely dressed and there's a timetabled regimented routine to Xmas. Nibbles and wine, followed by a stressful Xmas meal (MIL gets super stressed) and then games. It's also not a child friendly house so I will just be on edge all day thinking about my DD thrashing around the place. I just want to have a quiet day, enjoying Xmas together with my DH & DD, but worry I'll put my DH in difficult position and that ultimately I'm selfish. Also want to be careful in 3rd trimester due to covid and I've been in pregnancy with Hyperemesis and now have pelvic pain so just want to play with daughter and lie on our comfy sofa. AIBU?

YANBU

Why don't you go over for a couple of hours in the morning and then head home for your own Christmas lunch? Doesn't have to be all or nothing.

YANBU

YANBU, and I would want to stay home too.

But, I would ask DH what he wanted to do and, even if he is happy to forego lunch with his parents, he might want to go round for a drink in the evening, possibly on his own?

Why on Earth would you think you were unreasonable?

Just say you are having a quiet Christmas at home this year. And have a quiet Christmas. You don't need all the trimmings to have a good time, so don't spend the day cooking either.

Don't say you'll pop around either as you'll get sucked in. Just stay home and have a nice day in your pyjamas.

Dh takes dd round to the in laws whilst you enjoy a lay in at home in the morning. You were looking forward to seeing them too but you need to rest due to x pregnancy related symptom that’s suddenly come on.
Dh & dd back home for lunch and chilled Xmas

god that sounds like hard work...do you not ever see your parents for xmas? That aside i would be happy to stay at home .....i do enjoy seeing people on xmas day but it does sound like your outlaws are hardwork...so maybe set new rules before baby is here

YANBU. Just arrange to go over for a visit, then head home.

@mynameisbrian both my parents are dead, so Xmas is always with the PIL

thingymaboob that tough...i would change this now as it sounds bloody awful. Start your own traditions...but be prepared for your DH not to be happy with this

We’ve been having quieter Christmas Days at home or just our household on holiday abroad most years for as long as I can remember. We both have big extended families and we both work. Anything else is just too much. I look forward to the break/rest, chilled atmosphere and do not want to feel like I’m running a catering company/restaurant, feeling run down and then getting a cold virus.

Your husband is an adult and you've been in a lot of pain. If there was ever a time to be selfish, this is it. He should be putting your needs first.

I am if the belief that evwryone should have at least every second Christmas quiet 😁

Do it! It's a bliss

Could you visit PIL on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead, just for a short time? MIL won’t be as stressed then hopefully? Then you can have a quiet Christmas Day by yourselves.

Remember Christmas isn't just for other people's enjoyment!!
Your dc will imo love spending it at home.

And you deserve to be putting your feet up!! Plenty of other festive days to visit stiff family members!

This year start your own family tradition, stay home the three soon to be four of you. Christmas is for families so call in to the in-laws in the morning and relax at home after. Cook whatever suits you all. In a year or two your DD won't want to leave her own house where her Santa presents are. It takes a lot of stress and pressure off you. We have done this since our first child was three years old, she's twenty five now. Mine tell us that they loved Christmas at home especially as they got older. You can go wherever you want other days

It sounds so stressful

It's unfortunate that you don't feel welcome or relaxed in mils house and that's partly up to her your fil, her other dc and your dh to sort out isn't it.
If you don't feel comfortable you don't go then your dh has to decide where to go.

Can’t they come to you and you host. Because tbh it just sounds like you simply don’t like them. Which is fine obviously, but you do have children

When I say you host I mean your DH

DH tries his best but isn't a great cook and would be overwhelmed with hosting. What about we invite them over for "brunch" like nice pastries / cakes (we get these amazing cinnamon buns from a local bakery on Xmas eve). Maybe that would be a compromise? We can see them for a couple of hours but I don't have to spend all day in their uncomfortable house, with literally zero Christmas TV on

YANBU and this is the perfect opportunity to start your own traditions, starting with always staying at home, just your family

If you have to see pil then pop over Christmas Eve or boxing day for a couple of hours

Tbh didn’t read through your post.

No one is BU to want a quiet Christmas at home, whatever their circumstances. Do what makes you happy.

I think that sounds like a fair compromise.

Genuinely even though they aren’t your parents and it’s not your home, these are your children’s grandparents and also your DH actual mum and dad! I think these relationships really are worth making an effort for, even though the great of mumsnet think you shouldn’t have to see anyone if you mildly don’t feel that you’re a match friends wise.

My mum is a fucking pain, but she’s my mum and I love her, my ex DH decided he was never going to make an effort, I guess fair enough, but it really made me sad, considering I made an effort with his parents.

@Limejuiceandrum I definitely make an effort. We see them most weeks but Christmas brings out the crazy in DH mum and they're house is just a nightmare. Think huge sprawling townhouse with antique nick nacks everywhere. All furniture is style over comfort and they're against Christmas TV

Start as you mean to go on, it’ll be tricky the first year you break away but you have your own family now, next year it’ll be so much easier to say you’re staying at home having done it once. Be strong, and get dh on side so he can tell them.

We stopped visiting others on Christmas Day once we had children. I like a very relaxing day not fixed or regimented. People are free to drop by Christmas Eve or make plan for after the actual day with us and I’ll happily host.