Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Let DD chose who comes to After School Activity?

43 replies

BrowniePromiseInvite · 20/09/2021 13:58

DD is 7, and just started Brownies.

She’s doing her promise in a few weeks. Brown Owl told her she could have 2 adults at her promise, she only wants me there.

For context I’m a single parent, split with DDs dad just over 4 years ago and DD sees him EOW for 1 night. Recently she’s been very unbothered about seeing him, goes fine but never talks about him between contact and only mentions him if asked about him. He refuses to see or speak to her between contact times - I don't think anything bad is happening at contact I just think his lack of interest between contact is starting to show to DD.

He’d normally come to stuff like this, he came to her Rainbows promise, has watched all her plays and sports days he’s been allowed to watch (no-one was allowed to her Year 2 one due to covid).

DD has told Brown Owl it’ll just be mum there, and I asked her if I should ask her dad and she said “No I don’t want him there”.

So WWYD? Invite ExH or not? He won't know when it is unless I tell him as Brownies doesn't have his contact details.

Vote:
YABU – Invite ExH
YANBU – Don’t Invite ExH

OP posts:

Nutsabouttopic · 20/09/2021 14:41

Your daughters Brownie Promise is an important event in her life. She is not important in her father's life. She only wants the person who is always there for her, who brings her to Brownies every week, who loves her unconditionally and makes her the most important person in their life. You. Her mother, her stability. Accept her decision. Enjoy the evening.
If her father asks, which is doubtful, tell him it was your daughters decision. Let him figure out why

RubyGoat · 20/09/2021 14:51

It's her event, it should be her choice. I would support her.

ANameChangeAgain · 20/09/2021 14:54

If she only wants you there then don't ask him or tell him.
He doesn't sound important to her, which is a shame. Does he put any effort in when sees him?

Original poster

BrowniePromiseInvite · 20/09/2021 14:56

@ANameChangeAgain

If she only wants you there then don't ask him or tell him. He doesn't sound important to her, which is a shame. Does he put any effort in when sees him?

He's a bit disney from what I can tell, tries to give her toys and loads of screen time but does very little with her, spends most of the time at his parents with her who seem to do most of the actual parenting.

OP posts:

mavol · 20/09/2021 15:13

its her event. if you invite him anyways it will be a huge violation against her wishes

Original poster

BrowniePromiseInvite · 20/09/2021 15:14

@mavol

its her event. if you invite him anyways it will be a huge violation against her wishes

This is my thinking but I was doubting myself because if wasn’t invited I’d be gutted

OP posts:

TartanJumper · 20/09/2021 15:15

No. She doesn't want him there.

Bobsyer · 20/09/2021 15:17

Not sure why you’re even entertaining inviting him.

He is reaping what he has sowed.

Ozanj · 20/09/2021 15:18

She’s only 7 and acting out due to hurt. But having her dad there probably would mean a lot to her. I would personally tell him.

RandomMess · 20/09/2021 15:22

Perhaps she's starting to compartmentalise him from her life.

You specifically asked her abs she said no, you can ask her again if she's sure but I wouldn't go behind her back.

Danikm151 · 20/09/2021 15:23

I’d let him know it’s happening and if he doesn’t show then it’s his choice

viques · 20/09/2021 15:24

You asked her. She told you. End of discussion.

Original poster

BrowniePromiseInvite · 20/09/2021 15:24

@Danikm151

I’d let him know it’s happening and if he doesn’t show then it’s his choice

If I tell him he’ll show up, same with School Stuff he always turns up.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 15:26

If he has no interest in seeing or speaking to her in between his access days and she doesn't want him there then respect her wishes, you reap what you sow

viques · 20/09/2021 15:28

Have just spotted this in your original post.

“He refuses to see or speak to her between contact times”

Wow, what sort of man refuses to speak to their child. To answer my own question the sort of man who doesn’t get invited by his child to a special event in her life.

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/09/2021 15:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RandomMess · 20/09/2021 15:28

How is it your job to tell him? It's his job to involve himself with her school and activities not for you to be his secretary.

BananaPB · 20/09/2021 15:32

Are you worried that she'll tell him then you'll be in trouble with your ex?

girlmom21 · 20/09/2021 15:33

You'd be gutted if she didn't want you there but you'd also be gutted if you could only see her once every week and never spoke to her in between these visits, but it suits him perfectly so sod him. It's her promise, her choice.

YourFinestPantaloons · 20/09/2021 15:36

OP I have an ExH exactly like this - happy to do Disney Dad in his contact time, not interested otherwise in the times inbetween. So that's his loss. And I ABSOLUTELY refuse to carry on doing the wife work years after we've split, begging him to come places or trying to organise his schedule. I won't do it, I won't set that patriarchal example to my DD.

YourFinestPantaloons · 20/09/2021 15:38

@Ozanj

She’s only 7 and acting out due to hurt. But having her dad there probably would mean a lot to her. I would personally tell him.

As someone whose parents plot as a baby, I never wanted my mum and dad in the same room simply because you could feel the tension and when everyone else's parents were happy as Larry I felt they stuck out like a sore thumb

Legoninjago1 · 20/09/2021 15:40

@viques

You asked her. She told you. End of discussion.

Completely agree. That's that.

girlmom21 · 20/09/2021 15:43

@Ozanj

She’s only 7 and acting out due to hurt. But having her dad there probably would mean a lot to her. I would personally tell him.

7 year old me would've been extraordinarily pissed off if my DF had invited DM when I'd specifically said I didn't want her there.

Blueberryflavour · 20/09/2021 15:44

If he was the sort of dad that was actively involved with his child in between contacts he would already know. They would have chatted about what she is interested in what activities she does when she’s not with him and your DD would have told him about this important event for her. The fact that he doesn’t know speaks volumes, your DD really doesn’t want him there.

wannabeamummysobad · 20/09/2021 15:49

@BrowniePromiseInvite YABU. DD is 7 do you allow her to dictate in all areas of her life? If she said she no longer wanted to attend school/any formal education would you pull her out? If she wanted to go go to school without brushing her teeth would you let her?

You and ExH might have a fraught relationship but that's an issue for the two of you. You shouldn't have DD feeling like she's picking between her parents.
You reacting based on her whims is a slippery slope that you shouldn't go down as its ultimately your DD that will suffer.

Flip

1 2