Page 2 | Let DD chose who comes to After School Activity?

BrowniePromiseInvite · 2021-09-20T12:58:41+00:00

DD is 7, and just started Brownies. She’s doing her promise in a few weeks. Brown Owl told her she could have 2 adults at her promise, she only wants me there. For context I’m a single parent, split with DDs dad just over 4 years ago and DD sees him EOW for 1 night. Recently she’s been very unbothered about seeing him, goes fine but never talks about him between contact and only mentions him if asked about him. He refuses to see or speak to her between contact times - I don't think anything bad is happening at contact I just think his lack of interest between contact is starting to show to DD. He’d normally come to stuff like this, he came to her Rainbows promise, has watched all her plays and sports days he’s been allowed to watch (no-one was allowed to her Year 2 one due to covid). DD has told Brown Owl it’ll just be mum there, and I asked her if I should ask her dad and she said “No I don’t want him there”. So WWYD? Invite ExH or not? He won't know when it is unless I tell him as Brownies doesn't have his contact details. Vote: YABU – Invite ExH YANBU – Don’t Invite ExH

AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 15:55

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@BrowniePromiseInvite YABU. DD is 7 do you allow her to dictate in all areas of her life? If she said she no longer wanted to attend school/any formal education would you pull her out? If she wanted to go go to school without brushing her teeth would you let her?

You and ExH might have a fraught relationship but that's an issue for the two of you. You shouldn't have DD feeling like she's picking between her parents.
You reacting based on her whims is a slippery slope that you shouldn't go down as its ultimately your DD that will suffer.[/quote]
Ridiculous comparisons, OP isn't stopping contact with her DDs father, this is an extra event, her ex has no interest (in fact refuses according to the OP) to see or speak to her in between the contact days, I assume since he doesn't know about this event that it isn't on a contact day, if he won't spoke see or speak to her on a normal non contact day why should he get to go to an event that the DD doesn't even want him at? He doesn't deserve to get the "good ones" when he doesn't have any interest on the "boring" ones

Original poster

BrowniePromiseInvite · 20/09/2021 15:58

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@BrowniePromiseInvite YABU. DD is 7 do you allow her to dictate in all areas of her life? If she said she no longer wanted to attend school/any formal education would you pull her out? If she wanted to go go to school without brushing her teeth would you let her?

You and ExH might have a fraught relationship but that's an issue for the two of you. You shouldn't have DD feeling like she's picking between her parents.
You reacting based on her whims is a slippery slope that you shouldn't go down as its ultimately your DD that will suffer.[/quote]
I absolutely do not and have never made her choose between us. I have never stopped ExH attending her events, and I'll even chat to him while there, I'm an adult and do not want my DD caught between us.

I asked her if she wanted her dad there after I'd been told by Brown Owl that only I was going.

If she said she didn't want to go to school I'd try and find out why and if it was a problem that could be solved I'd talk to her teacher/the headteacher about it and come up with a plan.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrowniePromiseInvite · 20/09/2021 16:01

I assume since he doesn't know about this event that it isn't on a contact day, if he won't spoke see or speak to her on a normal non contact day why should he get to go to an event that the DD doesn't even want him at?

@AryaStarkWolf yes event is during the normal Brownies meeting which is a week night. I've always offered him phone or video calls between contacts and he always says "Yes that'd be nice" but when i try to organise it makes excuses as to why he can't. He never calls me to speak to DD, he's never spoken to school on parents evenings. He only goes to her school events like sports day because it's on the school newsletter.

OP posts:

MrsClatterbuck · 20/09/2021 16:05

@Ozanj

She’s only 7 and acting out due to hurt. But having her dad there probably would mean a lot to her. I would personally tell him.

Not sure how you would think this from reading the op.

wannabeamummysobad · 20/09/2021 16:31

@AryaStarkWolf OP said exH always attends school events so why wouldn't he be made aware of extra curricular events?

I simply disagree with comments suggesting OP basically facilitate the demise of DD and exh relationship. My points are valid- if you as a mum take some decisions out of your kids hands because you recognise dc may not be aware of the ramifications later in life deciding to agree with dc about not seeing exH is just petty.

pelosi · 20/09/2021 16:33

If she wanted him there, he would know about it.

He doesn't know about it, so he doesn't attend.

It's that simple.

wannabeamummysobad · 20/09/2021 16:35

If she said she didn't want to go to school I'd try and find out why and if it was a problem that could be solved I'd talk to her teacher/the headteacher about it and come up with a plan.

@BrowniePromiseInvite then find out what the problem is and come up with a plan for encouraging DD and exH to have an active role in each other's life. Come up with a plan to understand why she doesn't want her dad there...

AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 16:48

@wannabeamummysobad

If she said she didn't want to go to school I'd try and find out why and if it was a problem that could be solved I'd talk to her teacher/the headteacher about it and come up with a plan.

@BrowniePromiseInvite then find out what the problem is and come up with a plan for encouraging DD and exH to have an active role in each other's life. Come up with a plan to understand why she doesn't want her dad there...

Why should it be up to the OP to encourage a relationship between her ex and his daughter? He's already shown a lack of interest by never wanting to speak to her in between his EOWs.

Tal45 · 20/09/2021 16:57

I think I would ask her why she'd decided that she only wants you there. When you understand why, then it might be easier to decide what's the best thing to do. For example if it's because he didn't buy her sweets/a toy she wanted last time he saw her then I'd invite him, if it's because she hardly sees him and so would rather just have you there, then I wouldn't.

wannabeamummysobad · 20/09/2021 17:15

@AryaStarkWolf @BrowniePromiseInvite we can agree to disagree but I'd want what is best for my child and sometimes that isn't what they want.
Unless DH is abusive I can't see why you wouldn't want to encourage their relationship.

girlmom21 · 20/09/2021 17:19

[quote wannabeamummysobad]**@AryaStarkWolf* @BrowniePromiseInvite* we can agree to disagree but I'd want what is best for my child and sometimes that isn't what they want.
Unless DH is abusive I can't see why you wouldn't want to encourage their relationship.[/quote]
But he doesn't give a shit about their relationship.

Why should OP try and nourish it if he couldn't care less?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/09/2021 17:19

[quote wannabeamummysobad]**@AryaStarkWolf* @BrowniePromiseInvite* we can agree to disagree but I'd want what is best for my child and sometimes that isn't what they want.
Unless DH is abusive I can't see why you wouldn't want to encourage their relationship.[/quote]
I would absolutely want what is best for my child which imo is encouraging her to recognise that relationships are a two way street.

Goldbar · 20/09/2021 17:20

If your DD wants this one to be just for her and you, I think that's fine. Her father gets to come to plenty of other stuff.

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/09/2021 17:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

YourFinestPantaloons · 20/09/2021 22:10

This thread is a bit depressing.

Why should women be wiping the arses of their ex husbands who CBA to keep up with what's going on in their children's lives? Why, years after a split, should these men be reminded or encouraged by their exes to buck their ideas up? All under the pretence of "for the sake of your children".

Do you know what better for children: to not watch their mother bow to some patriarchal notion that she is responsible for the actions of every man in her life. To watch their mother be independent and free of a toxic relationship.

I also don't think it will kill a child to realise that the NRP just isn't that interested in their life. Or at least, it's better than the RP covering the arse of their useless Ex and allowing their children to think the sun shines out the arse of someone who couldn't give two shits about them

YourFinestPantaloons · 20/09/2021 22:12

@wannabeamummysobad

If she said she didn't want to go to school I'd try and find out why and if it was a problem that could be solved I'd talk to her teacher/the headteacher about it and come up with a plan.

@BrowniePromiseInvite then find out what the problem is and come up with a plan for encouraging DD and exH to have an active role in each other's life. Come up with a plan to understand why she doesn't want her dad there...

Why the fuck is that the OP's problem/responsibility?

Cadent · 20/09/2021 22:29

@wannabeamummysobad

If she said she didn't want to go to school I'd try and find out why and if it was a problem that could be solved I'd talk to her teacher/the headteacher about it and come up with a plan.

@BrowniePromiseInvite then find out what the problem is and come up with a plan for encouraging DD and exH to have an active role in each other's life. Come up with a plan to understand why she doesn't want her dad there...

Cone up with a plan for this, come up with a plan for that. Jesus, that’s a lot of work for a woman to do for a man who can’t even be bothered to speak to his DD.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 20/09/2021 22:41

@YourFinestPantaloons

This thread is a bit depressing.

Why should women be wiping the arses of their ex husbands who CBA to keep up with what's going on in their children's lives? Why, years after a split, should these men be reminded or encouraged by their exes to buck their ideas up? All under the pretence of "for the sake of your children".

Do you know what better for children: to not watch their mother bow to some patriarchal notion that she is responsible for the actions of every man in her life. To watch their mother be independent and free of a toxic relationship.

I also don't think it will kill a child to realise that the NRP just isn't that interested in their life. Or at least, it's better than the RP covering the arse of their useless Ex and allowing their children to think the sun shines out the arse of someone who couldn't give two shits about them

I couldn't agree more. Your dd has told you her preference. It isn't your job to facilitate their relationship. Go and enjoy her accomplishment without feeling accountable for his actions/inactions