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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having children will always change your relationship for the worse?

40 replies

SoDisillusioned · 19/09/2021 21:36

Is anyone actually happier in their relationship/partnership/marriage after having children? Is this even possible?

OP posts:
User135792468 · 19/09/2021 21:40

It’s certainly different. We don’t really have couple time which I miss. However, it has cemented our marriage and I love him even more for seeing what an amazing dad he is. We’re happier now I would say. Our expectations have evolved and have different priorities.

Audreyhelp · 19/09/2021 21:42

My children have now left home and yes my mArriage is so much better since they have left ,

Threearm · 19/09/2021 21:45

Not necessarily but if there are cracks kids will amplify them. Far too many try children to repair relationships

DramaAlpaca · 19/09/2021 21:46

It certainly changed our marriage, but for the better. He's a brilliant dad who has always done his fair share. We had children when we were as ready as we could be for them and muddled through together. Two out of three children have now grown up and moved out and our marriage is still good.

Gorl · 19/09/2021 21:48

I actually think I am happier. Seeing my husband be such an amazing dad to our baby has given me a whole new dimension of him to love. I feel bonded to him even more closely now.

We also had a really tough first 6 months with our baby (horrendous reflux, Velcro baby, nightmare sleeper etc) and he supported me so generously and steadfastly that I feel even more deeply in love with him than ever.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/09/2021 21:48

No it's still good & DH is a wonderful father

AnnaSW1 · 19/09/2021 21:48

I think it's better. I look at him and think this is the person who gave me the greatest gifts in my life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2021 21:50

YABU. While it might be true for some people it’s not universal and it’s ridiculous to suggest it us. We were very happy before but we’re happier now, closer, more understanding and considerate of each other, we have the biggest shared investment and project possible.

meow1989 · 19/09/2021 21:51

Ds is 3 and my relationship with dh is stronger than ever. He's a wonderful father and we are equal in parenting as much as possible (I work less days so obvs have ds more). We work as a trio, sure ds can be hard work but dh and I support each other and still enjoy our time together when it's just us. We had been together for 12 years before we had ds mind, so we knew each other pretty inside out.

PermanentTemporary · 19/09/2021 21:51

My dh always wished we'd had more time together before ds arrived. If I'm honest, the reason I committed so strongly to him, was though I say it myself loyal and supportive as I could be to him through tough times, and loved him as much as I'm capable of, is because he had a child with me.

katmarie · 19/09/2021 21:54

My relationship with dh has changed, but we have a bond and a shared purpose which has been increased and deepened by having children. He's an amazing dad and husband, and I love him dearly. It was bloody hard work, still is a lot of the time, but having gone through the early years with kids, I know with absolute conviction that he is on my team. And I have that same absolute commitment to him. My marriage has a much more solid foundation having been tested through that I feel.

Fattedthesecond · 19/09/2021 22:01

Having kids will test your relationship to the absolute limits. There is no denying that at all. But some relationships do thrive under these circumstances, while some collapse.

The problem is too many people have cracks in their relationship they don't even notice until having kids. Such as lazy partner who doesn't pull their weight with the housework and the other partner does it all. It's ok when it's just the two of you and everyone is well rested. But when you have to clean up after the toddler AND your partner everyday on three hours sleep because they won't do any night feeds, it gets boring.

I also know of plenty of men people who are intrinsically selfish and are happy when they are the centre of the universe to their female partner. Then comes along the child who means they're no longer the centre of attention and all hell breaks loose.

But like I said, these are problems before the kids arrive. Any life altering situation (bereavement, job loss etc) would put just as big a spot light on these issues too.

So in summary, if you're relationship is crap after having kids, it's time to think honestly about just how good it really was before.

Hilarias · 20/09/2021 07:25

It was definitely tough with some bickering after DS was born and then going into covid lockdown with a toddler. But I’d say yes, we’re stronger and closer and more patient with each other than we were before. He is a brilliant dad and we divide most tasks equally and that helps.

CoalCraft · 20/09/2021 07:32

Having DD has shown me what a strong, loving, patient and all around wonderful man DH is. Of course we have less time with just the two of us, and we miss that time sometimes, but I love him more nevertheless. I feel closer to him and that we're more of a team.

MitheringMytryl · 20/09/2021 07:33

We have less quality time which I miss, and we are still at the toddler/baby stage with ours so we are very tired a lot.

But I think it's added a new dimension to our relationship because I now love him as the great father he is to our children, as well as my husband, if that makes sense.

So overall, I'd say it's improved things.

RampantIvy · 20/09/2021 07:35

Not necessarily but if there are cracks kids will amplify them. Far too many try children to repair relationships

I agree. And far too many women have children when their partner is not really fully on board.

In our case, having DD made no difference to our relationship. We celebrated our ruby wedding anniversary earlier this year.

Hardbackwriter · 20/09/2021 07:37

I think we're happier than ever, and feel more than ever that we're against a team.

Recurrent miscarriage before we had children did really test our marriage, though. I think that often when people say that the relationship fell apart after kids it's because the hard work of little children was the first tough thing they'd faced as a couple. I think the first big, hard thing where you can't just be this fun, romantic couple all the time will always be a big test but having children is one of just a range of things that could test a relationship in that way, and actually there are much sharper shocks that are possible, such as bereavement or serious illness.

londonrach · 20/09/2021 07:38

I am way happier as is DH.

Hardbackwriter · 20/09/2021 07:39

Haha, perhaps a Freudian slip in my first sentence - I meant that we are a team, not that we're against one (it's not a team parent vs team children contest in my house, honest - apart from anything else the kids' team would win every time because they play dirty!)

londonrach · 20/09/2021 07:39

I appreciate DH alot more and love seeing how amazing a dad he is...DD is five but she changed us and made us a family. I feel settled and happy

QueenoftheKarens · 20/09/2021 07:39

Much happier with our DC. But we actually wanted kids so... 🤔

Sceptre86 · 20/09/2021 07:41

I'm happier definitely. I think my dh is too. It's relentless with two young kids and a newborn. The lack of sleep is difficult at the moment but our baby is otherwise easy enough and we have a good routine re our other kids and household chores. It's hard to be spontaneous with young children though so I miss that sometimes. We do make time for each other when the kids are asleep. We don't use babysitters yet or family help with the kids but that is just a part of life for us and I don't feel I need a break from my little ones unless I'm at work.

It's worse if you have an uneven share of chores, or if you have unrealistic expectations.

Comedycook · 20/09/2021 07:42

@QueenoftheKarens

Much happier with our DC. But we actually wanted kids so... 🤔
Pathetic
Ljc1985 · 20/09/2021 07:44

It's made us even happier! My DS is one and its made me love my DH even more 😊

Royalgalas · 20/09/2021 07:45

I agree with others here - children will put an enormous pressure on a relationship. The health of the relationship before children arrive is what decides whether a couple sink or swim.

I am so much more bonded to my partner since having children. Yes, it's been tough and we've both been guilty of variously overlooking and taking one another for granted at times. But we are an absolutely solid unit and our relationship has been fortified by having our babies. I love him so much more for seeing the unshakable father and partner he is now.