To think that having children will always change your relationship for the worse?

[SoDisillusioned]

Is anyone actually happier in their relationship/partnership/marriage after having children? Is this even possible?

Its different. DDs are 4 & 1 and little DD is a bit if a rubbish sleeper. We are tired and busy, and have very little time to ourselves. However, we feel like such a good team working together. We look after each other and I'm often sent down to sleep on the sofa so DH can do the night wakes with little DD.

Little time for romance etc but we are as close as we were pre children. We appreciate different things about each other now I think.

No, I don’t believe it is worse. Yes, our relationship changed but we both wanted children. We both wanted a family. It is tough and we don’t get as much time together as we did but we enjoy doing things together as a family.

It helps that we’re on the same page most of the time with parenting so we do feel like more of a team.

One of the things that some find hard imo is the change from freedom to routine.

Before Children you could be more spontaneous, chuck a bag in the car and bugger off for a weekend of drink and shagging in a dirty Motel of you wanted. Or even just go to the pub every night for a lock in till 2am.

After kids it's all routine routine routine. Popping to a motel is like a military operation. Organising bottles, bags, nappies, wipes, bibs ,spare clothes, play suits, sleep suits, etc. And no pub till 3am, got to get back for babys sleep.

I think that routine surprises people. Some take to it, some fight it, some end up bored in rut. Break ups and new partners fixes that.

I don't think @QueenoftheKarens remark is pathetic @Comedycook when you think about it. If both parents want a child the relationship after the baby is born is going to be more stable.

@RampantIvy

I don't think *@QueenoftheKarens remark is pathetic @Comedycook* when you think about it. If both parents want a child the relationship after the baby is born is going to be more stable.

It's really smug. Loads of couples both want children and still find it puts a strain on them

@RampantIvy

I don't think *@QueenoftheKarens remark is pathetic @Comedycook* when you think about it. If both parents want a child the relationship after the baby is born is going to be more stable.

It’s more likely to be more stable perhaps but certainly still very possible for it not to be. Plus people can “want” kids but be lazy, selfish, not want to pull their weight etc

Having children is hard.
You have two choices when you have children.
Be a team or don't be a team.
One of those results in a happy life and the other does not

It's not actually about the child. It's about how (or if) you work together when things are tough.

My Dh and I are happier than ever. Our DC cemented us and made us a stronger team

I agree with others that if there are cracks there before children then they will get bigger

I think it’s probably almost universal for marriages to decline in the years when children are very small and dependent. I can’t imagine how anyone’s relationship could be enhanced by sleep deprivation, lack of sex and endless domestic drudgery.

I think for many couples the marriage can recover strongly once the children are older and more sentient.

Our marriage is definitely better but I think that is probably after a dark period of long term trying to conceive where I know I wasn't a particularly nice spouse. Now we have the kids and both found our roles there happily and my working life fits around the kids nicely its a lot better.

@thepeopleversuswork

I think it’s probably almost universal for marriages to decline in the years when children are very small and dependent. I can’t imagine how anyone’s relationship could be enhanced by sleep deprivation, lack of sex and endless domestic drudgery.

I think for many couples the marriage can recover strongly once the children are older and more sentient.

I disagree. I think it's worse when they're teenagers and sit up all evening with you. When they were little, I'd put them to bed at 7 and we'd have a nice long childfree evening and a relaxing dinner together. Now they're older, they're up till 10pm

@Comedycook

I haven’t yet got to the teenage stage and I am a single parent so I am sure you’re right I just haven’t experienced it yet.

I do think the years of having very small kids are pretty horrific for adult relationships though. Absolutely everything is seen through the lens of what the baby/toddler needs and there is no joy or independence. At least with teenagers adults can step away from it.

I always say that life has different eras or phases. There was the era of us being together without kids and staying in bed all weekend now is the era of kids waking us up early. Both eras are happy! In different ways!

Not for us. I didn't think I could love DH more but seeing how he absolutely doted on our DDs was just magical to see. He's a big, gruff bloke but with them he's always been an absolute teddy bear.

I had PND after DD1 was born and he was my rock, he did all her night feeds for weeks so that I could get proper rest, and it made a huge difference to my wellbeing.

Arguably yes, but mostly because it makes it very difficult to leave. We’d have split by now if not for the kids to tie us together