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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate it when people invite extra people on a night out?

74 replies

YourFinestPantaloons · 19/09/2021 16:22

Looking forward to a very much missed (due to COVID) get together with friends next weekend. Meal and nightclub, we are pushing boat out as it's been nearly 2 years since we all were together at once - we used to have a meal and night out maybe 4-5 times a year.

One of my friends has, without checking with anyone else, invited two other people, who we all do kind-of know as we met them on her hen do, they're her colleagues. They're ok (I find one woman completely stuck up though), but they aren't part of our tight knit group and it will completely change the dynamic.

WIBU to ask friend just to keep it to the group?

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 19/09/2021 17:12

I really hate when people do this, it really does change the dynamic. I make it clear to my friends that I don't want other people invited when we go out.

Thatsplentyjack · 19/09/2021 17:13

Na this kind of thing really doesn't bother me. I like meeting new people.

flibberyjibbery8 · 19/09/2021 17:15

yanbu. I also hate it when my friends invite their mums to our coffee meets, meaning I can't talk openly or swear.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 19/09/2021 17:23

I get how you feel, I too have a friend who is a " the more the merrier" type, she has invited others to join a hobby group we are all part of when I liked the group just as it is.

However I thought it was a bit churlish to say so went with the flow, as a result I have made another couple of good friends, sometimes it can work out.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 19/09/2021 17:26

Yeah I’d hate this too. Mainly because I’m quite shy and get left out when the group gets bigger. I wouldn’t have the courage to ask her to uninvite them though, especially if I thought she might tell them it was me that objected!

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 19/09/2021 17:28

A. How many in the tight-knit group? If it's a fairly large group anyway (say, 10 or more) the extras won't make too much impact on the dynamic.

B. How do the others in your tight-knit group feel about it?

C. If you tell this friend her colleagues aren't welcome, the only way she can reasonably stop them coming (having already invited them) would be to drop out herself. Would you rather that, or have her bring them?

earthyfire · 19/09/2021 17:30

If it's a one on one catch up/night out then I dislike it if someone else is invited that I don't know. However, if it's a large group meet-up then I don't mind and just think more the merrier.

AFuturisticalSound · 19/09/2021 17:30

@Thatsplentyjack

Na this kind of thing really doesn't bother me. I like meeting new people.
You can like meeting new people but also want meet to up with a specific group of long standing friends post covid restrictions

They aren't mutually exclusive and the OP is NBU to want to do the latter. If I really didn't want to spend time with the randoms I'd tell the friend that I was looking forward to seeing the original group and would sit this one out and catch up next time

TheMarzipanDildo · 19/09/2021 17:35

I love it when people do this but can see why it might irritate others.

HouchinBawbags · 19/09/2021 17:38

Hate it.

I cancelled my hen do in a big city I'd never been to before because a guest kept inviting extra people. First it was her cousin, then the girls from her work and finally her sister. I knew none of them. She regularly went out to that city and decided to squeeze in her regular nights out with her workmates and sister etc into my hen do. She'd already invited everyone by the time I found out and when I said I wasn't comfortable with that she just shrugged it off and told me not to worry, that they were a great laugh and it would be brilliant!

I'm quite shy and the thought of having people I didn't know at my own event made me uncomfortable so I changed it to a nice dinner with the excuse that my sister and mum couldn't do the city and cocktails night.

Legoninjago1 · 19/09/2021 17:43

Yanbu. I'm really funny about this too. I hate it even more if I'm invited out for dinner to someone's house and unexpected people are there. I think this is probably my problem tho!

Suetully · 19/09/2021 17:47

Yeah I’d ask her to keep it to just your group. I hate it too when people do this! Although it might put her in an awkward position for this night out

reminds me of when I and 3 other housemates were moving together and 1 of the gang asked somebody they knew to move with us. I wasn't so happy as it wasn't discussed but we couldn't turn around and say no and it ultimately changed the dynamics and nobody even like the person because he was a sociopath and it was awkward.

Another time I and 2 close friends were having a night in with drinks and having a catch-up over booze and they went and invited somebody they know but I wouldn't and it totally changed the atmosphere after that person arrived and I couldn't relax.

YANBU op, I totally get where you are coming from.

garlictwist · 19/09/2021 17:50

I don't see the issue? The more the merrier. If you don't like them that's one thing but it sounds like you could get to know them and gain new friends.

girlmom21 · 19/09/2021 17:53

Who actually instigated the meet up?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/09/2021 17:57

I’d probably be able to live with it, although I wouldn’t find it ideal.

However it is perfectly reasonable and normal for people not to be ok with it, and it’s very rude of her to invite them without checking with you.

Movingsoon21 · 19/09/2021 17:59

OP YANBU. I love meeting new people but when you haven’t seen close friends for ages you just want to have a proper catch up with them and be able to be totally open with them, not having to watch what you say or explain background to new people who you barely know. Very rude for her to not check with you all before inviting the others.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/09/2021 17:59

@Annoyedanddissapointed

I love how this is already on a way to turn into epic extreme vs extreme of never mingle with others to always invite randoms and NOTHING inbetween (like, sometimes the more the merrier, somethines just the small private group) because that would be too reasonable and that's not what MN is ready for😂
I know right im laughing so hard If I'm having a huge part with 10 people or a regular night out sure If I've invited 3 people for a catch-up that's what it is - a catch-up It's actually rude to the new person who wouldn't know all the in-jokes etc and I don't want to discuss my private feelings about my mum/partner/other friends in front of a stranger. Equally they wouldn't be interested

The really rude bit though is not asking! a simple way to resolve doubts

withgraceinmyheart · 19/09/2021 18:06

So rude. I would definitely say something.

Suetully · 19/09/2021 19:23

I love meeting new people but when you haven’t seen close friends for ages you just want to have a proper catch up with them and be able to be totally open with them, not having to watch what you say or explain background to new people who you barely know

yep, this with bells on. Sometimes meeting friends is good as you get to relax and be open, when strangers or acquaintances turn up it hinders this.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 19/09/2021 19:25

That’s not on. She should have asked.

Thatsplentyjack · 19/09/2021 19:27

*You can like meeting new people but also want meet to up with a specific group of long standing friends post covid restrictions

They aren't mutually exclusive and the OP is NBU to want to do the latter. If I really didn't want to spend time with the randoms I'd tell the friend that I was looking forward to seeing the original group and would sit this one out and catch up next time*

Oh, sorry, I was under the impression this was mumsnet, open to all opinions. I didn't realise mine was wrong. Thanks for the lecture Hmm

hithere5677 · 19/09/2021 19:55

The more the merrier? Just be a nice person and join them in the conversations and get pally with them. This has 'you can't sit with us' vibes... never understood people like yourself or those who are saying yanbu.

Christinatherabbit · 19/09/2021 20:08

@hithere5677

The more the merrier? Just be a nice person and join them in the conversations and get pally with them. This has 'you can't sit with us' vibes... never understood people like yourself or those who are saying yanbu.
I get quite bad social anxieties. This is my idea of a nightmare not because I'm a bitch but because I get uncomfortable with people I don't know very well and then feel like I try too hard to make conversation and then get paranoid people are noticing I'm acting a bit weird (which makes it worse) I find it exhausting. Sometimes I can cope but if I was looking forward to a long awaited night out with people I feel comfortable with and then found out they had invited others I would hate it.
Original poster
YourFinestPantaloons · 19/09/2021 21:36

@Crimeismymiddlename

I hate this too, it’s not as bad at the people inviting male partners on girls nights out, but it changes the vibe completely.
YY!

Although my best friend many years ago used to invite her OH on our nights out and the rest of us would complain to each other about it.

Turns out she was a victim of domestic violence Sad and we were too busy complaining to think about that. Thankfully she got out!

OP posts:
Harford · 19/09/2021 22:31

This has 'you can't sit with us' vibes... never understood people like yourself or those who are saying yanbu

If they saw each other every day or every weekend or frequently I'd see your point but it's the fact they rarely see each other and it's a catch up makes taking new people inappropriate and it just ruins the vibe.

It diminishes the point of the reunion as it's for sharing old stories and having the chance to be open and talk about mutual people/experiences etc. With new people there it changes the whole dynamic and it becomes too formal.

I recall going to meet a close friend I hadn't seen in a year and I only had an hour or so to catch up. We met for coffee but her other friend who I didn't know was there as they were going to some event in the city. The whole catch-up was just ruined as I couldn't relax with a stranger there or start talking about the old days and people we knew.

Why the friend didn't go off on her own shopping or something and let us catch up bummed me as I'd have done that in the situation. Instead she sat there like a spare part.

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