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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about needy husband

62 replies

Redsportsmixture · 19/09/2021 15:38

So not posting in relationships as not after advice, just wondered if anyone would feel the same.

DH is so needy, it drives me mad. Always wants to hold hands, have his arm round me, kissing my cheek, stroking my hair. It gets a bit suffocating. A lot of the time it’s a pain too. We have young kids and I have a pushchair to manage so have him grabbing my hand on one side and I end up feeling like I’m being led about like a six year old.

I suspect lots of people would love it so am I just being grumpy?

OP posts:
Lorw · 19/09/2021 16:41

Ahhh. You just have different love languages. Sit down and talk about it, give him ways to show you he loves you without it ending in you feeling suffocated. All about compromise 😁

My husbands like this, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t, I do like holding his hand and that but cuddles make me feel suffocated so we compromise on him holding my hand and not showering me in cuddles 24/7.

billy1966 · 19/09/2021 16:46

@Aquamarine1029

This is not normal, not healthy, and it would drive me absolutely insane. Have you told him, very clearly, that this must stop? It's very controlling, possessive behaviour on his part. Ick.
This.

It would make my skin crawl.

It certainly wouldn't feel like affection to me, to be mauled.

Have you asked him to get off you?

Hoe does he not know?

Is he just ignoring your signals?

If so he is a twat and i could well imagine getting a permanent irreversible ICK.

Pikamoo · 19/09/2021 16:51

Nope, not for me. I like a kiss goodbye and when DH gets home from work and cuddles on the sofa/in bed but since having kids I'm way less touchy feely. I spend all day being available for pats and cuddles from my daughter, I like my own space once she's gone to bed.

diddl · 19/09/2021 16:52

@Redsportsmixture

Just wondering how others would feel about it. I wouldn’t post on AIBU for advice, tbh. It’s more a place to gauge views, surely?
Well really it doesn't matter how others would feel does it?

I guess you're asking if it's OK to not like it & tell him so?

Of course it is!

diddl · 19/09/2021 16:53

Somehow it smacks of ownership to me.

LastGirlSanding · 19/09/2021 16:54

Well it would drive me nuts, yes. What would be worse is if i’d asked for it to stop and my boundary was ignored - then i’d be very angry and i would not want to be with someone who did that. It’s my body, if I say I don’t want to be used as a human comfort blanket, I mean it! Feel bad for you, sounds horrible.

JustWorriedSick · 19/09/2021 16:57

I'm happy to hold hands outside but I don't have young DC that need my attention more

Josette77 · 19/09/2021 17:02

I an very touchy-feely. I love this.

DixonD · 19/09/2021 17:02

I would hate this OP. I need my space. I hate holding hands; it feels so juvenile. Urgh.

Luckily my DH is not affectionate in the slightest. We’re well matched thankfully.

Holskey · 19/09/2021 17:09

Has this not been an issue before? You're married but find his behaviour suffocating? I broke up with someone otherwise wonderful because I found him suffocating. I don't think anyone who suffocated me can be right for me.

Pffffft · 19/09/2021 17:10

@Aquamarine1029

This is not normal, not healthy, and it would drive me absolutely insane. Have you told him, very clearly, that this must stop? It's very controlling, possessive behaviour on his part. Ick.
Not normal for you - fine. Not healthy? Please tell me where you received your psychology degree to make such a sweeping statement like that. Christ, not every man is out there to control women. He is clearly an affectionate person and if OP doesn’t like it then that’s fine but you have no right in declaring it isn’t healthy because of your own issues.
ftw163532 · 19/09/2021 17:12

Well it's a pretty sad way to spend a life - whingeing endlessly about something you could actually change but doing fuck all to try and change it.

TheAverageUser · 19/09/2021 17:13

This wouldn't bother me and I don't see it as controlling?! I like holding hands with my DH.

DillonPanthersTexas · 19/09/2021 17:14

This is not normal, not healthy, and it would drive me absolutely insane. Have you told him, very clearly, that this must stop? It's very controlling, possessive behaviour on his part. Ick.

And we're off.

pickingdaisies · 19/09/2021 17:16

Pointless people telling OP to enjoy it. She does not enjoy it, that's the point. OP, where my kids were small I felt the same as you. I'm still not very touchy feely, but with small children, I really couldn't take any extra physical contact when I was just doing my own thing. Can't stand head massages at the hairdressers either.

MadamMalkin · 19/09/2021 17:16

I'm touchy feely myself and like hand holding/an arm around me, but I can see how it would give you the ick if you didn't like it but they kept doing it.

Creamsoda77 · 19/09/2021 17:19

Id hate that too, would drive me insane, he does sound needy

Quickchangeartiste · 19/09/2021 17:23

Op I was thinking the same thing today. DH took my hand while we were out and sort of caressed it - but I have eczema from all the sanitiser etc and and just getting it back under control and this was si bloody irritating I wanted to scream and now I realise that by not screaming it has stayed with me and now I feel like stabbing something 😡😡😡

Thanks - got thar off my chest 😁

DamnUserName21 · 19/09/2021 17:28

@Aquamarine1029

This is not normal, not healthy, and it would drive me absolutely insane. Have you told him, very clearly, that this must stop? It's very controlling, possessive behaviour on his part. Ick.
Not normal?? What is? Some people are just more physically affectionate than others.

OP, have you always found it irritating?

Movingsoon21 · 19/09/2021 17:32

This would drive me nuts too!

Has he only just started doing it? If not, why did you marry him knowing that you had such different approaches to physical affection?

Have you told him directly that you don’t like it? If you have and he’s carrying on then it’s more than annoying - it’s creepy and crossing boundaries.

Sundancerintherain · 19/09/2021 17:40

I'm dog sitting for a friend for a few weeks. Dog is very sweet and wants to be with me all the time - ALL THE TIME. She also needs to be sitting on me/ leaning on me/ sleeping on me . Constant reassurance that I'm not going to leave her too. Your description of your DH sounds just like her.

Looubylou · 19/09/2021 17:40

Have you always not liked it OP? Or has he just suddenly become irritating?

LouLou789 · 19/09/2021 18:03

I have a similar situation, OP. We’ve been together over 17 years and over time it has (thankfully) become less frequent but it’s a case of different love languages, we have compromised to a certain extent and all is ok. I know you don’t want advice, just to see whether anyone else would find your OH’s behaviour too much and for me the answer is yes.

lap90 · 19/09/2021 18:04

Was he not like this before you got married?

WhatsAppening · 19/09/2021 18:08

Who are you and why are you married to my husband?

Just tell him to get off you, that’s what I do. Or I shout PERSONAL SPACE at him.