Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think it's better to have only one child given our finances and lifestyle

42 replies

Runnyrose · 19/09/2021 08:13

We have one amazing DD, 2 and have always planned to have another. We said we would start TTC now she's 2 but the more I think about it, the more I think it would be better to stick with one.
We both work full time. I work compressed hours so do 4 days and DH does 5 but has an hour's commute so currently we are both 'out of action' 10 hours a day. We both have weekends free and I have Wednesdays with DD which breaks the week up very nicely. She adores her nursery.
Childcare for 40 hours a week is an insane expense and for our area, we do have a particularly expensive nursery but as we are rural there are just not many alternatives and she's doing so well there I wouldn't want to change her anyway so we are just grinning and baring that; it's not forever. We both love our jobs and don't actually want to reduce our hours even if it was an option (which it isn't). We work very well as a team and honestly are a very happy family as we are. I've been dreading the idea of pregnancy and the first year with a newborn again anyway as that was not a good time for either of us but since I went back to work, this past year has honestly been so wonderful and I thoroughly enjoy being a Mummy. I'm a better parent to my daughter because I'm not with her 24/7.
I'm worried that having another child is actually only going to make things more stressful for us and take away from how good things are right now. We don't have huge amounts of time and money to spend on DD but we are able to enjoy a nice standard of living now and once the childcare 'mortgage' is finished we should be able to allow her to do activities and hobbies that she wants within reason. DH and I also have our own hobbies we enjoy and being just three of us, we allow each other the flexibility to continue enjoying these also in a reduced capacity compared to our pre-child days but still; we like having them there. The financial and time implications of a second child would definitely reduce that to practically impossible and of course both children would have less of our time and money to afford a few nice activities. Working full time also means it's very important to me to have quality time with DD when we can and I worry about how easily we can split that time with another child.
We earn okay money between us but only enough to be comfortable with some budgeting and careful planning; two children would require much stricter budgeting and money would be more of a stressor for sure. I'm a planner so I know we could afford it, but it would be tight for a long time.

If money and time was no object, I'd love a second child but I'm really wondering if it's better to just enjoy our life as it is now and just appreciate that our lifestyle and financial situation suits having one child much better than having two. Or is having a second always worth the extra challenges?

Thank you

OP posts:

Booknooks · 19/09/2021 08:28

We had one for similar reasons, I haven't regretted it. That said, if you really want a second you'll probably find a way to make it work!

Ginger1982 · 19/09/2021 08:33

You do not have to justify having only one child. Do what works and feels best for you. I have one who is 4 and he is just coming into his own, i work easily, we are comfortable, we sleep and have great times together. I was desperate for a second but I'm actually very happy now with the little unit we have.

Unicornsbumhole · 19/09/2021 08:33

When we were planning our family, my husband only ever wanted one, I come from a big family an wanted 3.
Now we have our DD and have begun the 30 hours free childcare, we both have stable jobs, can enjoy our hobbies and DD has everything she needs.
We are one and done! She will not miss a sibling she never had

HumunaHey · 19/09/2021 08:34

Imagine your lives in the future, about 3-4 years from now when the upheaval of having a second would be over. Do you feel you would be content with one child?

Consider how things will be in the long term,not just the short term. Would a second permanently make things more difficult? Maybe draw up a list of things to consider.

WoozySnoozy · 19/09/2021 08:37

It's entirely up to you. There's no point thinking about if money was no object IMO as it is.

MinnieMountain · 19/09/2021 08:39

Our only on purpose DS is nearly 8. We could have afforded a second but had all the other thoughts that you have mentioned and decided we were better off as we were.

It’s working well for us. DS is happy.

There’s nothing to say you have to have 2.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/09/2021 08:42

Sounds like you are happy with 1 so what’s the issue?!
Could you regret any decision in life, yes but if you remember the reasons why I’m sure it’s fine. It honestly doesn’t sound like you want another child

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 19/09/2021 08:51

I think when people really want another child they just get on with it and deal with the consequences as and when they happen.
There's no obligation to have more than one child and your family set up appears to work for you.
If it ain't broke and all that..

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/09/2021 08:57

I was desperate for a 2nd child but wasn't able to have another which took me ages to come to terms with. But being the 3 of us is amazing - house is always calm and we are able to give her whatever she needs (no she isn't spoilt) but mostly l have time to spend with her and don't have to spread myself too thinly. Wish l hadn't spent so long grieving for the 2nd child l never had because there are loads of advantages of just having one.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/09/2021 08:58

Also l don't think there is that stigma there used to be.

MintyGreenDream · 19/09/2021 09:00

It's great having an only,our ds is 7.We have a comfortable life ds has plenty of friends and all our attention.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/09/2021 09:04

I think when people really want another child they just get on with it and deal with the consequences as and when they happen.

I agree - if you really wanted a second child right now, you would just do it. And you may want one in a couple of years, or you may not - either way it's totally fine. I have an only DS(6) and it works great for us!

I notice that one thing putting you off is that you had a difficult first year with your existing DC. From observing my friends, you would probably have a much easier time with a second baby - only relevant if you want a second of course.

Mamamia35 · 19/09/2021 09:08

There are other ways to think about this. I'm in my 50s so way ahead of you in lifecycle, I guess. These are scenarios that never occurred to me.

What about your old age and having one child to suffer the burden of that decision making. I am the parent of a single child and am witnessing the heartache/stress of colleagues/friends dealing with elderly parents alone. You don't think about this when you're young.

Also what if something happened to you/your husband and your child had to deal with that without sibling support. Again I hadn't thought about that. These were perspectives that didn't occur to me when I was pregnant/dealing with financial burden of early childcare.

Just another way of thinking about this. Im not saying there is a right or wrong answer, but just other things to add to the equation that you may not have considered.

mdh2020 · 19/09/2021 09:18

There is nothing wrong with having just one child. I have known many singletons and they are all happy and well adjusted. Friends and cousins can be just as supportive, if not more so, as siblings and there is no guarantee that all your children would be supportive of you and your husband. In a sense we all make choices about how many children we have / can afford. We both wanted four but stopped at two.

Briony123 · 19/09/2021 09:25

There are many very happy families of 3 out there.
If you really want a second then plan it so after 6/9 months maternity your daughter is old enough for either school or at least the 15 hours free childcare.
Don't worry about having to split your time, it ends up all being shared time - the 2nd one just fits in.

GoWalkabout · 19/09/2021 09:37

The only thing I would say, which is off point, is how are things going to work when your little one starts school? This is often the most stressful part for full time working parents because the multiple transitions between home, childcare and school take their toll on everyone. So I kind of agree with you that throwing a second into the mix might break you! But otoh things as they are are going to change anyway and that second maternity leave often comes at a useful time to have more time for the eldest too.

Animallover87 · 19/09/2021 09:37

This is exactly why I only want to have one. I'm an only child and haven't ever felt like I needed a sibling. Sounds like you have a lovely life the way it is.

simkin38 · 19/09/2021 09:37

Personally I think the first two years are hard and a bit of a gamble as to what the baby is like, but really it's only 2y out of 18y of the child, so that's why most people suck it up

I feel sorry for only children alone so much, the ones I know have 2 play dates a week but so manny things are different alone as a child

The 3 adults I know who were only children wll said never have an only child due to loneliness.

This phase you're in will end soon anyway when child starts school, at school only children are harder to manage as they then realise they're alone and you have to start bringing friends on holiday, to meals, etc all the time as child doesn't have much fun on their own

queenatom · 19/09/2021 09:39

@Mamamia35

There are other ways to think about this. I'm in my 50s so way ahead of you in lifecycle, I guess. These are scenarios that never occurred to me.

Just another way of thinking about this. Im not saying there is a right or wrong answer, but just other things to add to the equation that you may not have considered.

@Mamamia35 Although of course having a sibling isn’t guaranteed to make any of this easier. My husband’s sister is non-contact with the rest of the family so won’t be of any support when the time comes for his parents; meanwhile my MIL and her sisters are in constant conflict about how best to deal with their aging and infirm parents (her sisters won’t offer any help but have a lot of opinions and criticism to offer about how MIL is ‘doing it wrong’).

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/09/2021 09:47

@Mamamia35 and @queenatom my DH is in a similar position with his sister. I think they last saw each other 6 years ago, when their mum died. Both are now coping with their dad's deterioration in health - effectively as only children.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 19/09/2021 09:48

There is too much social pressure to have more than one child and nonsense about only children being harder to manage and lonely doesn't help.
One child families are on the increase for lots of very good reasons.

Mybalconyiscracking · 19/09/2021 09:51

The only real good reason to have a second child is because you want a second child. Financially and logistically they are tricky, but if the emotional and biological imperative is there then you make it work.

MiddleOfThePack · 19/09/2021 09:53

Whatever you decide there will always be a nagging doubt. I have 3 DSs (all adults now) and often wonder how things would have turned out if...

You make the decision you need to now. You can change your mind later if you want to but don't pressurise yourself.

LemonTT · 19/09/2021 09:55

Italians seem to manage with one child and they love children.

Mary46 · 19/09/2021 09:55

Def more juggling with 2. I have 2. I have siblings we not close. Do what you happy with op.

Flip

1 2